Head Bonking

(that Dun dun DUN is supposed to be ominous music, by the way)

I went to see the orthodontist yesterday about fixing my jaw so I can bite down on the right side of my mouth. He laughed when I told him my typical chewing process. Chew on the right side first until I can't chew anymore, then move the food to the left side to finish chewing. Swallow and repeat with the next bit of food.

The face surgeon told me that I had more problems with my mouth than was caused by the fracture to my jaw and that I'd benefit from orthodontics anyway. I always knew that I looked kind of like a bulldog from the side when I'd shut my teeth, but had no idea that it was because I have a severe overbite. I didn't know that you can't have an overbite without looking like "buck-toothed beaver" (as we kids used to say in elementary school.) My bottom teeth are being worn down to the nubbins in front due to the scraping from my top teeth every time I shut my teeth together.

I never noticed that it's not normal to have your top teeth completely cover your bottom teeth when you close your mouth. It was fascinating to see my teeth from the inside of my mouth (they use mirrors and a camera for this.) I could clearly see everything that the orthodontist was explaining to me.

Bottom line- if I want to keep my teeth the rest of my life, then I'll need braces for at least two years. Additionally, I'll probably need surgery on my jaw which is a hospital procedure- paid by medical insurance, thank goodness- because our dental insurance is hardly worth the paper it's written on.

So I have some decisions to make. He's referred me to a surgeon that specializes in jaw surgery and I'm going to wait to make my decision until then, although I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to do (or not going to do, as the case may be...)

Let's face it. I'll be the big five-oh in January and this is a huge dollar investment (just over 10k, none of which is covered by insurance), and a huge time investment (we all know how much I hate going to the doctor and this would feel the same way), and two years out of my life wearing METAL ON MY TEETH. I'm already freaking out about turkey neck and little wrinkles that are starting to pop up. I'm starting to freak out a little bit about looking old.

Yes- I'm VAIN. There. Now we all know.

At the rate I'm going, I don't see myself living until I'm 100. Or even 80 for that matter. Here's a little secret that I can finally share because apparently it's not true. Ever since I was a young teen, I had a very strong feeling that I was going to die in my late 40's. I've only two more months, then I'm home free of that little prediction. Still, looking at my health history, I don't see myself living to an old age.

I know, this is really morbid thinking- but here's where I dump all of my thoughts, right?

So, it's not about the money- though that's a lot of dough, it's about the investment in time. I see my youth rushing past me at light speed and I don't want to spend any of that time that I'm still fairly good looking being a metal mouth. I'm to the point where I could wear braces and the day after I get them off, I could fall down and bonk my head and say syonara to life as I know it. I realize that the next time I bonk my head, it could be the big bonk. I watch CSI, I know how head bonks can kill a person.

Again with the morbid, I know. I live with these thoughts every.single.day, but now they have a little more context about them. If tomorrow is my last day, do I want to spend it like this? So far, I can say emphatically YES. My life is exactly perfect. Would wearing braces change that for me? YES.

So, I guess in writing all of this out, I can see where my head is. Besides being in "crazy world" with the morbid thoughts, I think I have a clear answer to the idea of braces. I'll wait to give the definite answer until I talk with the jaw surgeon, but I can't see anything changing my mind at this point.

I had my appointment with the maxillofacial surgeon today, expecting to set an appointment for surgery number two. I was wrong. Good? Maybe.

I'm thrilled with the success of the previous surgery. I'm able to open my mouth all the way, which is fabulous. However.... now that I'm able to chew, I've noticed that my teeth do not touch on the right side of my mouth. He looked in my mouth and said that it looks like my jaw is misaligned due to the fractures not healing properly. Two choices:

1. Re-break my jaw and realign
2. Orthodontics

He highly suggested orthodontics, rather than re-breaking my jaw and gave me a referral to an orthodontist. As in braces.

He said that surgery number two has a less than 25% chance of fixing things so I'm not in pain. Not worth it. I agree with him.

I've decided to go ahead and see the orthodontist and ask if only chewing on one side of my face will cause long-term problems. If not, then I'm just going to let it go. If so, then I have no choice, but to wear braces for however long. Bleh.

As for the pain? I'm out of luck. I don't expect this surgeon to be my 'drug dealer' since he's done with me. He's suggesting a new non-narcotic drug, but I need to run it by my neurologist first. I can't get in to see her until December 2nd. Like I said, out of luck.

I'll be honest..... I'm feeling depressed about the idea of leaving my face the way it is and being in pain. I'm more angry than depressed. I really hate this phrase but, IT'S NOT FAIR.

:: stomps my feet ::

Being in pain every day is hard to deal with. Even for Pollyanna.

I wake up every morning wondering if this will be the day I see *my* face staring back at me in the mirror. I realize that it's only been eight days since the surgery, but I'm still so swollen on the inside and outside of my mouth. I talk with a lisp because my tongue is displaced from all of the swelling inside of my mouth. What lesson is this about? Vanity? OK, I'll admit it. I'm vain about how I look.

While my face isn't horrific to look at, it's not MY face. I liked my face just as it was (well, coulda used a few less wrinkles and we won't even go there about the turkey neck). I'm not going to scare little children by being out in public, but I'm not able to even look people in the eye.

I went to the dog park with Einstein yesterday and I was unable to engage with people because I was so embarrassed. I was glad that dogs don't notice that sort of thing, and of course Einstein was just thrilled to have his mama take him to do the dog park after being gone a whole week. That made the embarrassment worth every minute.

I'm still in pain, but not like the first few days after surgery. I'm only taking one pain pill when I first wake up and then one before I go to bed. I can handle the pain the rest of the day because it's not much more than I was dealing with before surgery.

I'm already seeing an improvement in how much more my mouth opens. It hurts to do it, but before the surgery my mouth was frozen I couldn't open it more than about an inch even if I tried. I'm measuring by fingers and am now able to get two fingers plus a little between my teeth. It hurts to do it, but I can do it, and that's the point. So, this surgery was a success in that regard.

After this experience I'm not sure I want ANY more surgeries unless there was a guarantee that it will take away the pain. I'll just go to a pain management clinic and deal with it that way if this doesn't take care of the pain. Based on what the surgeon said, this surgery was the only one that was a guarantee to improve my life, in that I'd be able to open my mouth like a normal person.

I don't need any cosmetic procedures done because all of the damage is hidden thanks to a 'round' face. When I get older, the caved-in cheekbone and broken orbit area will probably be more obvious due to the natural process of aging. I hope by then that I'm less vain about how I look. Maybe I'll just wear really big funny purple hair so people look at that, instead of my face. Yeah- that's what I'll do.

Back to whining, because I'm sure that's why you read my blog.

The inside of my mouth is a nightmare. Have you ever bitten the inside of your cheek accidentally, and so after that you keep biting it because it's a little swollen? Take that times 10 <- not exaggerating! Plus I have all kinds of strings (stitches) hanging out which are just begging to be fiddled with. I can't close my teeth because the inside of my mouth is in the way.

OK, I think that about covers it in the whining department.

I see the surgeon again on Monday. He's so darned excited about the instant results after removing the tendon. I'm not kidding- he is like a giddy kid. I'm happy for him and am thankful that he was able to give me that gift.

Yay! I ended this post on a good note! I knew there was good in there somewhere if I kept writing long enough.

I got the results from the MRI. The "suspicious lesions" were the same size as six months ago, and no new growths. I was never worried about it, because I just didn't get that 'feeling', but it's good to have my feelings confirmed.

I'd like to thank each and every one of you for your comments here and the email I've received. I've saved all of it to look at and feel the support again when I start to spiral. I am putting all of my hopes into the surgery on the 14th. I feel like getting my face fixed is the last piece of this two year journey of 'yuck'. I shouldn't put all my eggs into that basket, but I feel that if this is fixed, we can close the lid of this 2 year journey and even put a bow on it. Now that we have figured out why I faint; the bottom-line issue, it feels like I'm getting a fresh start. Also, knowing that I'm as good as I'm going to get with the neurology issues, and it's something I can live with, enables me to focus my energy elsewhere. Feeling like this is a clean slate may only make sense to me, but it won't be the first time I've not made sense to other people. Heh.

I should be (and for the most part am) feeling gratitude for the life I'm able to live right now. I feel that I've a split personality of sorts. One side of me is feeling that dark, overwhelmed, hopeless stuff. But I have another side of me that looks at the wonderful gifts I've been given (in no specific order, I promise!):

• My loving and supportive (and VERY handsome) husband. I make sure he knows every.single.day how much I love and appreciate him. He's been such a gift.


• Owning my own business and having customers that like what I do. Shoot, I have the ability to work from home, and the hours I want (and I have a nap almost every day!) Who wouldn't love that?


• My sweet puppy, Einstein. The joy he's brought into my life, is indescribable. He's my little sweet pea.


• My family. Just wow- I never take for granted what a wonderful family I have. We all love each other and are not stingy with sharing how we feel. I don't know many families that can say that. Seeing my sons and their relationship being just as strong as the relationship my siblings have with each other. The women in my sons lives (who are very good friends with each other) are so very special, as is the grandson brought into my life when Casey married Jessica. The love just keeps on growing.


• My friends. Not just friends, but FRIENDS. I'm so, so blessed.


• Health insurance (yeah, REALLY grateful for that!)

I think gratitude is a good way to end my post. Include yourself in that list of things I'm grateful for. You know who you are.... Thank you for being there with me through thick and thin.

Here's to gratitude and a fresh start. ::clink::

I’m definitely in my anger phase with the broken face. I’m angry at the original physician that told me that “some people are just fainters” and sent me on my way to two more head injuries. It was her associate that sent me to the cardiologist when I went after the face bonk feeling like ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

BJ had surgery yesterday and it took three hours instead of two, on top of an alarm I heard while in the cafeteria "code red- second floor surgery". I didn't know what code red was, but I knew that's where my husband was, so I threw my lunch in the garbage and raced to the second floor. Turns out that code red is for fire- and it was a false alarm. BJ is fine, by the way. Very sore, but fine.

Yesterday was a really bad fainty day for me and I'm sure it was due to stress and the coffee (not decaf!) I had. Twice, if I'm being honest. I kept starting to black out several times and had to quickly sit down so I didn’t bonk my head in the hospital. Last night at home was particularly bad. I was continually starting to black out so much that it took me about five minutes before I could get up off the floor without fainting. Poor BJ was freaking out that I was going to hit my head and there would be nothing he could do about it. He shouldn't have to deal with that in his condition.

Where am I going with this? I’m a little bit angry at the cardiologist for giving me a 6 month wait and see after being on less stress (not right now! Have I mentioned my deadlines?) and no caffeine (not yesterday!) instead of putting me on medication. My bad for the caffiene, but I can't eliminate stress.

I saw my neurologist on Monday (she’s every 90 days), I told her about the tachycardia diagnosis. She asked if he put me on medication and she raised her eyebrows and said, “does he realize you’ve had THREE head injuries in the past two years?” So, now I feel stupid about not reminding the cardiologist about the head injuries. Maybe that was buried down in the file and he didn’t remember. I should have mentioned it.

I’m angry at the first facial surgeon who didn’t do the right thing in the first place- giving me 7 months of daily pain. I’m angry at her for not doing follow up CT scans when I went back to her telling her that things didn’t feel right.

I’m angry at myself for having white coat syndrome and not confronting these doctors when something was telling me that I was right and they were wrong. I'm angry that I'm not even 50 years old (OK, I'm close- shaddup) and I have all these issues going on. My neurologist confirmed with me that yes, at the two year mark- I shouldn't expect any more improvement than I have now. She said that I've been lucky that the last two head bonks didn't cause more brain damage and told me that it's very dangerous for me to hit my head.

Ummm yeah. I know.

Believe me when I say that I know it could be worse. I'm not dying, although there are days that I don't particularly enjoy being alive. Yup, I said it. Nope, I'm not suicidal. Just tired of living with this. All of this. I'm sick of doctors and sick of being in pain. And angry. Did I mention angry? Wow, I'm fun.

Maybe I'm just having an off day because I'm overwhelmed with lots of stuff.

Tomorrow is the six month follow up bi-lateral MRI to make sure the suspicious lesions were innocuous. I'm sure you ladies will know of which I speak, so we'll leave it at that. That better damn-well turn out fine. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I'd better get back to work, which is what I'm trying to do while BJ sleeps. He's not a bad patient, bless his heart, but I am at his beck and call. (what does beck stand for, anyway?)