Head Bonking

As of today, I'm now back down to my lowest weight- something I haven't seen since December 06. Unfortunately it's not something I had a lot of control over. I've not been able to keep anything down since Tuesday. I'm taking phenergan around the clock, but it's not doing a whole lot of good.

At first, I thought it was the flu, but now I think it's something else because even though I've lost a truckload of weight- I look like I'm pregnant and my abdomen is very tender. Plus? I've been sleeping about 13-14 hours a day.

Anyone want to guess? Come on... we've seen this before....

I'm calling my gastro as soon as the office is open to see if I can get in.

It would be no surprise that my liver is acting up, since I'm on so many meds, and almost all of them have doubled since the second head injury. I've never looked to see if any of them affect the liver, because I assumed my doctor took that into consideration. My bad.

Well, at least there's a plus side, eh? My pants are baggy again, in spite of the fact that two of those meds cause weight gain. And even better, I'm so darned happy that I have my brain back- that this little bit of yuck isn't getting me down like it would have before bonking my head. I've gained perspective.

The bad news is that once I get whatever this is 'fixed', I'll probably gain the weight again. Meh. I consider this a 'false' weight loss. It's not real.

I'm not sure I've mentioned it, but my deadline for the annual training I'm creating is next Tuesday. This REQUIRED training will roll out to 50,000 some people, so it's a pretty big deal.

I've known about this and have been piddling around with it since September. I've continually put it on the back burner for other projects that "have to be done yesterday". Two weeks ago, I drew the line in the sand and said that people had to leave me alone so I can get this training out.

It's been SO nice to not have to do other people's jobs. I'd forgotten what it was like to just do my own thing and not worry about someone else's deadlines.

People have tried now and again to pull me into something, but I've held firm. Probably because my arse would be grass if I didn't get this rolled out in time.

I have another big deliverable and think I might do the same thing. Maybe I'll give everyone a week to use me and abuse me, and then draw another line in the sand.

Oh, the power I have! ....in my dreams.

I'm thinking about talking to my manager about the parts of my job that I'm uncomfortable with and didn't sign up for. I'm not a marketing guru and I certainly don't know enough about this particular line of business to write award winning articles. That wasn't part of the job that I applied for and every time I think about it, I become panicked.

On the other hand, now that I feel back to 100% brain power, maybe I can take on this new stuff. I've always said that the things that scare me the most are the things I'm most proud of in the end.

On the other hand (oh- that makes three hands, doesn't it? )

On the other foot... what if I revert back to 'dumb' Lori? That fear is always going to be in the back of my head. Especially since I made the mistake of going through some old posts. I'd forgotten how often in the past I was SURE this time I was 'healed' for good. There's no way I could handle that new stuff if I didn't have a full tank.

Mantra for the day lifetime:
Live in the present.

Speaking of which... remember those life rules I refer to every now and then? I've mentioned a time or two that I keep them right in front of my face at my desk. This one popped out at me the other day and I just had to go hmmmmmnnnnn....

Rule Eight - What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. Take responsibility for yourself. Learn to let go when you cannot change things. Don't get angry about things - bitter memories clutter your mind. Courage resides in all of us - use it when you need to do what's right for you. We all possess a strong natural power and adventurous spirit, which you should draw on to embrace what lies ahead.

It's amazing to me how various rules in this list really pop out to me at certain times. Cherie Carter-Scott is so wise. I may have to write to her one day and tell her how much these rules have meant to me since I've found them.

On days that I telecommute, I generally don't pay much attention to my appearance until around noon. That's when I shower and comb my hair.

Why do you need to know this? It's so you know why I haven't looked in the mirror yet.

I'm on a conference call right now, and sometimes my mind tends to wander when the speaker is not particularly engaging.

With that said, my mind wandered to a dream/sleep walking incident last night. I remembered having a dream that I was plucking my eyebrows- only this dream seemed real, very much like the dream I had about smoking a cigarette.

As soon as I had that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeling that it wasn't a dream, I literally RAN to the bathroom to check the mirror. It couldn't have taken more than two seconds to get to the bathroom, but in that amount of time I had all kinds of horrible images run through my head.

I was happy to see that I did NOT pluck all of my eyebrows off, nor did I come up with some funky eyebrow design.

I DID pluck my eyebrows though, and I did a very fine job actually.

I have a feeling my life is going to be very interesting (and suspenseful) until I get this sleepwalking/salad making/cigarette smoking/eyebrow plucking thing worked out.

Egads. Can you imagine the possibilities?

It's a good thing I have an EXCELLENT sense of humor.

PS- I told the bearded eye-roller that I wanted him to be forceful with me if I ever try to smoke one if his cigarettes again. Being forceful also applies to running down the streets naked, just in case that comes up.

My in real life friends have already heard this story because, dang- it's too funny to keep to myself. Since I'm now caught up with most everyone, I'll take the time to share with you the new stuff I've been doing since the second head bonk.

You may (or may not) recall that after hitting my head the first time, I was grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw 24/7. It was horrible because it made my jaw ache and gave me headaches. Not to mention the issues with my teeth. If you look closely to my bottom front teeth, you can see where I've totally sheered (is that a correct word?) them. I also broke a tooth in the process- the one that seemed to be my favorite to grind. Oh, and I've loosened one of my front teeth so badly that I'm going to have to have it removed and a bridge placed.

I mention this because after I hit my head the second time- the grinding and clenching completely stopped. It's almost like hitting my head made that part of my brain right again. Weird, but true.

Another affect from the second bonk was that the seroquel quit working. I was walking, talking and doing all kinds of crazy things in my sleep, and I'd wake myself up all night long. So my neurologist upped the dose to 75 mg which did nothing, and then to 100 mg, which seemed to do the trick.

EXCEPT..... it acts like a roofie (as I understand roofies) if I'm not safely tucked in bed by the time it hits. Basically, I can function fairly normally, but my subconscious is completely shut off.

Case in point.....

Last Tuesday was a very bad day for me at work. I was in tears toward the end of the day because someone I admired a lot was saying that something I worked on was a "piece of crap" and more ugliness. What I didn't know at the time was that he wasn't referring to my piece of the project.

I just wanted to go to sleep so I would quit crying and obsessing about it, so I took the seroquel while BER was outside cooking chicken on the grill. Chicken takes a long time to cook on the grill, so by the time it was done- I was in La-La zone.

The next morning, BER drove me to the train station because the roads were really icy and I was a chicken. I noticed that he looked pretty haggard and asked him if he had a rough night or something. Here's how the rest of the conversation went.

BER: Honey, don't you remember that we were up until after midnight last night?
Me: We were? Why were we up so late? I don't remember anything about last night.
BER: You wouldn't go to bed. You were arguing with me, saying that you liked the couch just fine. There was no way I was going to leave you alone.
Me: Come to think of it, I don't remember eating dinner last night. Did we eat dinner?
BER: Yes, we ate dinner and you even made the salad. You don't remember this?
Me: I don't remember any of this. Did I clean the kitchen?
BER: Yes, you cleaned the kitchen. There's something else....
Me: Waaaiiittt a minute- I recall having a dream that I was smoking. Was that real?
BER: Yes. I was outside having a cigarette and you insisted that you wanted to smoke. I tried to tell you no, but you were getting angry about it.

Note- I don't smoke

So, there you have it. Apparently, my subconscious is a bratty rebellious teenager. I think this whole thing is hilarious and quite fascinating. BER said that he could tell that it wasn't 'me' he was talking to because I seemed a little out of it- but still was able to function pretty normally.

Isn't that the most bizarre thing you've ever heard? Poor BER, he deserves a medal for putting up with me and all this craziness.

He doesn't believe in heaven. Won't he be surprised to find himself there for being such a sweet man.

Here's my to-do list for the week
Step 1- Thank everyone
Step 2- Update my blog
Step 3- Visit everyone else

I can't thank you ALL enough for the email, cards, letters, tokens of love (AG- I'll treasure that), thoughts and prayers. Throughout this journey, I've never once felt alone. Not even for a minute. If what they say about you being a reflection of the friends you have- WOW- I'm just fabulous. (tee hee).

I've had 7 good brain days in a row at work. (I'm not counting weekends, because I tend to give my brain a rest- doesn't everyone?) It's been truly amazing and wonderful. I've told a few friends that I will never take my brain for granted again. I'm afraid to get too excited about this because I've reverted a couple of times after feeling this great, but something tells me that I'm truly on the mend this time.

!!Warning to the world: If I do revert back, I guarantee you that I'm NOT going to be a happy camper. Just sayin'.!!

I'm still jerking at the end of the day if I don't take the klonopin, and am not sure if that will ever go away. I'm also having the sleep-walking (and other weird things in my sleep) issues. I'm A-OK with both of those things as long as I have my precious mind and personality back. I've missed me. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to be me and now that I see a bit of me back, I wouldn't want to be anybody else. I like the 'real' me.

Yeah, I know, this sounds awfully pretentious- but losing oneself so suddenly is very traumatic. Finding oneself again is a very interesting (and wonderful, unless you're a murderer or something) experience.

I have stories to tell, but I don't want this to get too long. Trust me, the stories are hilarious. At least one of them is. I'll give you a hint..

Have you ever made a salad in your sleep?

No?

Well, I have.

With that, I bid you adieu and look forward to catching up on YOUR lives. I have just over 1000 feeds to read in my feedreader, so it's gonna take a while to catch up. I see a nice quiet weekend coming up in my future.