Head Bonking

Brain: Bad. My neuro put me on a different version of the drugs that help me to not jerk around when I saw her last week. It is a long-acting version, and twice the strength. Go figure, but I've been violently jerking for the past week. She's decided to take me off of that and put me back on the other stuff just in case that's the problem. Of course, it could be that evil S word causing the problem (the word of the day is: STRESS). I've also been having problems with my speech and running into walls (I have to admit, that part is kind of comical). I've worked from home all week this week, mainly out of vanity. I just really don't like people seeing me jerking like that and walking and talking like I've had one too many. It even makes BJ uncomfortable, so I can just imagine how a perfect stranger (or co-worker for that matter) might react. I've already noticed today that I'm jerking less, so either I'm less stressed because I'm working from home, or it was the meds. Either way, yay. I'm sure my manager thinks I've checked out, but truly I haven't. (I'm feeling guilty about working home all week)

Speaking of which- my job status.... who knows? I'm still keeping my head in the game because that's all I can really do. I'm glad I volunteered to be on the transition team because it gives me some sense of being in the know- even though I'm not really. I have NO idea at this point what will happen to my employment, and probably won't know until December. I hope my brain doesn't implode by then. Good Lord, I'd like to take a nice long nap and wake up when this is all over. Seriously.

BJ says that I'm not acting myself these days. Hmmmm.... I wonder why? I haven't been very social with him and I hope that he never takes it personally. He says he doesn't, but I know that I get tired of being around myself when I'm like this. Don't you wish you could hang with me 24/7 right now? What? Nobody? Hmmmph.

I haven't been around the blogosphere since last weekend. I think that might be my norm for a while. Let it all pile up and catch up on the weekend. Deal?

There's more if you're logged in and want to be grossed out. Boys? I suggest you stay out. Trust that.

• I decided to take a vacation day today. I love it that I can do that. Of course, I'm still kind of working- just not as hard.


• Today is Heidi's birthday. I'm such a bad- bad- bad sister. With all that's been going on, I kept forgetting to get her a card. Now she'll get one of those "sorry I'm late, but really I was thinking about you" cards. Happy birthday sis- I love you more than you could ever imagine.


• Still no news on the job front. I'm pretty sure that I'll either be a transitional employee or kept on by the new company. While speaking my mind about wanting to be a transitional employee, I was kindly reminded that this was not politically correct, we need to play by the rules, and that I'd make a great [new company] employee. Meh. He was right though. I am where I am because I play by the rules. and then some...


• I sold my latest toy and bought a new one. It's the cat's meow and is a keeper. I'll blog about it for product review Sunday.


• Speaking of cat's meow- BJ and I have been hating on our mattress. We've only had it for two years and it's a piece of junk. We both have been waking up with aches and pains every morning and refused to believe it was because we're getting old. We bought a sleep numbers mattress over the weekend and I have to say that I've had two nights in a row with NO shoulder pain in the morning. It'd become a part of my life for the last 6 months or so, and it's nice to see that behind me. If you need a mattress and have lots of money to burn (we really don't-but it was worth it), buy it. I'll give the sleep numbers a three thumbs up after I have an extra thumb surgically implanted.


• My brain is hanging in there- but I'm starting to see the effects of the stress I've been under the past month. A couple of days ago, I starting to jerk again, walk like a drunk, and been having a hard time finding words when I'm talking. I'll either say the wrong word or keep repeating the same word over and over again. I told FCW yesterday to just call me Rainman. The good news is that I know now that this will pass once the stress is over. I've had a really good roll of great brain months. I see my neurologist on Monday for my regular check in and will see if we can up my meds while I'm under the stress. If not, that's OK- it's doable. I'm just happy that I now see the pattern and it doesn't depress me because I know that it WILL get better once the stress subsides. I have some great people at work looking out for me and are being as protective as they can in not passing too much over the fence to me right now. They're also very understanding when the cold engine won't start because I've been honest about why I'm suddenly stupid. I'm glad that I have really supportive co-workers. How lucky am I?


• We're not going to talk about what's going on with my liver right now because ya know? I really want that elephant in the room to go back to the zoo. This too, shall pass. Yay for nausea and pain meds! Oh, and a four day weekend to sleep it off.


• Thanks for all your support, kids. I'm really lucky and I know everything will be fine eventually. I guess that's what counts, eh?

Enjoy your Friday. I've decided to slow down and not use my super espresso maker. I'm using the stovetop expresso maker that Cameron and Kathy gave me for my birthday, and drinking out of one of my special espresso cups. I fell in love with espresso made that way when we went to Italy and it's a special treat for me when I make it this way at home. Sure it takes longer and is more muss and fuss then the automatic, but gosh darn it, I deserve the fuss.

I kept my poor husband up all night last night, poor guy. I was apparently having a very active night last night, and I blame that on gardening. I had a feeling it would be a bad night because the jerking around got pretty severe while we were watching TV. I can't begin to tell you how annoying that is.

It seems that any time I stress my self (body or mind) my body or mind pays for it. I gardened yesterday, and I guess that was enough to make me jerk pretty bad all night. I guess that all the jerking also woke me up enough to do some wandering around the bedroom. I was completely unaware of it, of course, which is bad.

Apparently BJ tried to head me off at the pass a few times, by sitting at the stairs; blocking me so I couldn't go downstairs. He didn't want to wake me up unless I started heading down the stairs. Sometimes my wandering around would take a long time, so he laid down in the guest bedroom closest to the stairs hoping he'd hear me if I headed toward the stairs.

I feel so bad for him when I do this, because he really needs his sleep and I'm keeping him from it. I finally was awake enough at 4am where I knew what I was doing, so he let me go downstairs by myself so he could get to sleep.

We decided that tonight, we're going to sleep with the bedroom door closed because it makes a lot of noise when you open it. I'm thinking that maybe we should put a bell or something on the door too. That way, I can wander around the bedroom and bathroom all I want and never wake up BJ unless he hears the bell.

How completely LAME is that? Oh well, I know that it could be a LOT worse, and that's what I keep in mind.

I've had REALLY sore biceps the past two days and now I know why. BJ caught me doing something like push ups, in addition to the 'fake tv watching'. He also caught me laying on my back with my arms straight up in the air, like I was reaching out for something.

I'm just weird. I hope that at the very least, I get some good muscle definition out of this.

Oh hey- I just remembered that it's weigh day. Hang on, I'll be right back....

Alrighty then... I'm down exactly 5 lbs since last Monday, but I lost the first four in the first three days. I'll take it.

I'm just noting stuff here for my records. You can move along if you'd like.

Today was one of my regular 90-day follow-up visits with the neurologist. I whined about how I'm a year out and it is so depressing that I go backward and forward because when I start going backward after feeling good, it seems like the mountain just keeps getting higher and I have less desire to climb it. I had a bad BAD week last week and I was truly down in the dumps and sometimes when I go to 'that place', it seems like I'm never going to see sunlight again.

No worries- I'm not saying that I don't have a desire to live... I'm just saying that every time I go backward I think about changing jobs or SOMETHING so the stress is eliminated. I told this to my neurologist and she confirmed that getting rid of stress and/or always getting enough rest is about the only way I'm going to alleviate the symptoms, however not having a job would be very bad too. I need to continue to do things to push myself- just not so much. She also confirmed that it's not the symptoms making me tired- it's being tired that makes my symptoms worse. This is something that I've been wondering because the two go hand-in-hand. I shall keep this in the back of my mind whenever I'm tempted to say yes to something when I really need to say no. I need to be more kind to myself. (And yes, I know that this is a lesson that keeps presenting itself to me.)

She has told me all along that one of the things about head injuries like mine is the inability to handle stress the way you're used to. This time she gave me a better mental image. She said to think of it like this; all my life I've walked on a balance beam about a foot wide. Now that balance beam is less than 6 inches wide and it takes much less to topple me over- physically and mentally.

Good visual.

I asked her about the pain in my head where I hit it in January and she said that it could be a couple of things; my nerves could be growing around the scar tissue and/or I might have a seroma (I had to look that one up.) She said either one of those things may or may not go away. Thankfully, it's not daily and it doesn't last for hours. It's more like someone is stabbing me in the head over and over again for several minutes and then it goes away for a while and comes back. No rhyme or reason that I can think of except it almost always happens if I bend my head over.

So, I've stopped doing that.

I told her about going cold turkey off the drugs for the 3 day weekend. She made me feel like a superhero for not calling her to get an emergency supply. She said that it must have been really rough. I told her that I just decided to deal with it, and if nothing else- it proved that the drugs really are doing something for me. She said to call her next time because the drugs I'm on are all bad to quit cold turkey and I shouldn't have to go through that.

I told her that the requip has helped, but I've found that it makes the jerking worse during the day. It's as if it keeps me from jerking and my body is storing up jerks or something and then lets loose once the requip wears off. She told me that in about 3 months, a long-acting version is coming out and we'll try that, rather than add more during the day. She said that I'm on enough sedatives as it is.

So, I see her in another 90 days.

I'm starting to re-think the training -vs- staying in the business possibility (the meeting is in 3 days...). I *think* moving over to training might be less stress- and right now, that needs to be my primary concern. I need to quit thinking about "what will be better for my after-retirement career" or "which department provides the most stability". None of it matters if I'm unable to enjoy my life.

Some day, I will get it into my thick skull that stress is not my friend. I hope that's sooner, rather than later.

Since BJ has a new job, he won't have as much vacation time as me for a while (if ever), so I don't feel bad about taking a week off. I decided to do it while BJ is on a business trip so I can truly just do my own thing and keep to my own schedule. So far, it's been FABulous. I'd venture so far as to say pure bliss, even. Don't get me wrong, I love BJ and miss him when he's gone but..... being by myself for days on end is a real treat for me.

Yesterday I went to the garden center and bought some plants, then spent a few hours in my yard. It was actually sunny yesterday. Today? Not so much. I hope the sun comes back because I have barely touched the surface of what needs to get done. I think I've had six weekends in a row where I couldn't get to my garden because it was either raining or we were on a trip. Six weeks is a long time to let a garden do its own thing.

If it's raining tomorrow, I think I'll make the rounds in the blogosphere and see what y'all have been up to.

I went to the doctor today for something I'll share with you in a couple of weeks (NO! I'm not pregnant), and since I was in there I decided to ask her what this head pain I've been having is about. It seems weird that six months would go by before I'd start feeling pain where I bonked my head. It has been getting progressively more tender (not unbearable and not constant, thankfully), and now I get stabbing pains in that spot. Seems to get worse if I'm tilting my head downward (like to work in my garden, read a book, etc.), or if I've been on my feet for a long time.

She took a look and said that she couldn't see anything externally that might be causing the problem, then said that it sounds like maybe scar tissue might be pressing against a nerve in my head. Since I have an appointment in 2 weeks with my neurologist, she said to bring it up to see what her thoughts are. I said that the scar tissue theory didn't sound particularly scary, and she replied, "well- it's not scary, but if that's what it is, the only way to get rid of it is with surgery."

Good grief. This will have to get a lot worse (knock wood) before I'd even consider that option.

In other news.... I highly recommend my friend as a house guest. Normally I'm ready to have the house back to myself after just one overnight, but I honestly didn't feel that way with her. She was here Thursday through this morning and we had a great time. We went on three hikes on Saturday...

...OK, we started three hikes. We'd go a few dozen feet and then round a corner and find knee-deep snow. We ended up hiking at the outlet mall that day.

The next day, we went to the Japanese Gardens and a few other places. Sunday showed us much better success with the outdoor activities.

I introduced her to Lancelot Link, Secret Agent Chimp (of which I own every episode, thank you very much.). Finally! Someone who appreciates monkeys dressed in human clothes as much as I do.


BJ was truly frightened to learn that there are more people in the world that enjoy the same humor that I enjoy. Poor guy- it was a real eye opener for him.

I'm going to shut off my trusty laptop and enjoy some chick flicks. I'll be by tomorrow to visit my pals in the 'hood, if today's weather is any indication of tomorrow. In the meantime, I leave you with cuteness. Our new little fawn: