Public Transportation

This morning my nose was ASSAULTED in more ways that I would have liked. OK, I guess I never want my nose to be assaulted, but that's beside the point.

This guy sat next to me on the train wearing SO MUCH cologne that it made me nauseated. Seriously! I'm not one of those that can't handle perfumes and colognes. In fact, I like a nice smelling man- but this guy wore way too much. I honestly thought I was going to lose it.

But then? He passed gas.

That smell dissipated quickly and I was once again overwhelmed with the cologne.

And then? He passed gas again.

Here's where you'll agree that my mind is a scary place. I was actually having an argument in my head about which 'scent' bothered me less.

Me: Which smell is less offensive?
Me: I think it's the gas
Me 2: Are you sure? Wait a minute then decide
Me: No, you're right- it's the cologne
Me 2: Ewwww, here's your chance to compare again
Me: Nope, I changed my mind. It's the gas

...and so on.

See? I'm just downright S.C.A.R.Y.

To get to work, I take the train to the city and then pick up a bus to my office- and then I do the opposite coming home. That's four opportunities for stories every time I go to the office.

Remember this lady? I use the term lady very loosely, by the way. She's a very rude woman.

She has always been very LOUD and wants to make sure that everyone in the area is paying complete attention to her. I don't have a big problem with that, because I can ignore most anything. I only have a problem with her when she's rude to people. I haven't ridden on that particular train in quite some time, and it seems that things have changed a bit.

There's a new loudmouth in town. The psychological study potential was enormous, and I was very sad that I left my clipboard at home.

There are four train stations between where I get on and the final destination, and lots of people start lining up to get off the train anywhere from 5-10 minutes before their stop. If the old loudmouth saw people in line looking toward the new loudmouth, showing even a hint of amusement if he said something funny, she actually said to them, "don't encourage him".

It happened time and time again. What a nut.

My next trip was on a bus from the train station to the office. I'm usually on the bus at about 6:45 a.m., so (not to sound judgmental, but...) it's a wee bit early for happy hour. I sat down and then very quickly, a VERY inebriated ::ahem:: gentleman got up from his seat and sat next to me (why? why do I attract the weirdos?). Thankfully, he didn't try to talk to me because his breath was AWFUL and it seemed that he had alcohol coming out of every pore. Blech.

After work, I hopped on the bus to get to the train station. There are several buses that go that way, and I sometimes forget the bus that I should avoid. That would be the one that goes to the airport, because it is very crowded. Yesterday, made the mistake of getting on that bus. I found a seat, but quickly the aisle filled up with people. It's important to note here that when you are sitting, your face is almost exactly the same height as the person's butt that is standing next to you in the aisle. To make that even worse, the man that was standing next to me kept bending over to get newspapers or something out of his briefcase, so I was continually getting a face full of his butt.

Yes, I turned away after the first time, but he still got me on the side of my face after that. YECH.

My last ride was on the train going home.

There are overhead metal shelves above the seats, so you can store things above your head. I can't tell you how many times I've bonked my head on those things, even though there is a message over the loudspeaker before each stop, "watch for the bins over your head when getting out of your seat" or some such nonsense. That didn't happen yesterday. Instead, about half way through the ride, my umbrella fell between the slats and bopped me in the head. It made a huge racket and everyone around me asked me if I was OK.

"Nothing hurt except my pride, people- so please go on about your business. Thank you very much".

As I write this, I wonder if that loudmouth lady was on that car if she would have told people to ignore me. After all, I did get a lot of attention over being nearly killed with my umbrella (said for dramatic effect...).

Yesterday, while waiting for the bus that takes me to the train station, some guy tried to pick up on me.

Now, I'm one of those types that's VERY PRICKLY to men that I don't know. I do not flirt, do not make eye-contact, and I do not invite any sort of attention. Now if I know them? All bets are off. HA! I kid....

So, there I was, minding my own business, watching for a bus that goes to the train station and some guy comes and stands right next to me and says, "Would you like to have a conversation?"

OK- well, I have to give him props- he was at least polite.

The rest of the conversation went like this:

Me: No, thank you.
Him: You don't want to talk to me?
Me: Uh-uh (looking at the ground now...)
Him: Is it because you don't like younger guys?
Me: (thinking- now why did he have to bring THAT up? Is it that obvious that I'm an ol' lady?)
Me: Nope
Him: Oh, are you married?
Me: Yep
Him: All the good ones are taken
Me: Damn straight. OK, I didn't say that. I just ignored him
Him: Well, you're very pretty and your eyes are beautiful.
Me: Thank you
Him: Do you have kids?
Me: (thinking- I thought we'd already established that I don't want to talk) Yes
Him: Well, I bet they have beautiful eyes too
Me: Yes they do, thank you.
Him: My name is RICO, what's your name?
Me: (wishing I'd of told him my name was Lola- if you don't know the song, then this will make NO sense to you!) Lori, nice to meet you Rico.

And then? I shook his hand. I'm such a dork. I told him my name and I shook his hand. Huh?

I hopped on the next bus that stopped at that bus stop. I just wanted him to leave me the hell alone. But guess what? He got on the bus too! So, I found a seat next to someone so at least he wouldn't sit next to me. He left me alone after that.

But Barry Manilow? Nope, Barry stayed with me the rest of the day- because I had Copa Cabana stuck in my head all night and it's still stuck in my head this morning.

And now? I bet YOU Have that song stuck in your head!

You can thank my new friend Rico for that.

Inspired by Get Stewed

Seen on train today
Homeland Security folk
I must wonder why

I noticed the last time I rode the train that the 'quiet car' was no longer dimly lit, and there were people talking (albeit quietly). I even thought I'd heard whisperings that there was no longer a quiet car.

That made me very sad because I thought my source of free entertainment was gone.

Much to my delight, I found out that indeed there is no quiet car, but the quiet car Nazis are out in their FULL glory today! You see- they believe people should still be quiet for the simple fact that it used to be the quiet car. And now the not so quiet people are getting their revenge.

Oh boy!

The train hadn't even left the station when the bru-ha-ha started. There were a couple of women talking- not even loudly- when the man sitting across from me started getting visually agitated. Then he started trying to get other people around him to join him in his hissy fit.

He ended up SHOUTING at the women from his seat about the fact that he didn't want to hear their conversation and other ridiculous things. That turned into a bit of a confrontation (some passengers reminding others that this was NOT the quiet car- and others saying people should still be quiet). One of the women said, "excuse me sir? I didn't hear you".

Me: Giggle giggle giggle. Of course I was keeping my head down the whole time trying to stifle the giggling. It was tough- let me tell you!

He got up and marched over to them and gave him his .02, then came and sat down in a huff.

Then the QCN walked up the aisle toward the women who had been talking, patted irate man on the shoulder and thanked him (with a very annoying smug look on her face, I might add). She continued her trek toward the women and talked to them presumably about how even though this is no longer the quiet car- they should be quiet.

But we weren't done yet. There was more entertainment to be had!

Two women, who were sitting across the aisle and one row over from me were talking with each other. Again, it wasn't loud. A woman in the row behind me (we'll call her Reichsleiter) told them to be quiet. They said that they weren't talking very loud and a person sitting in their row confirmed it. Reichsleiter said that they were bothering her and if they wanted to talk, they needed to go to another car. One of the talking women then uttered my favorite line of the day; "Lady- you need to get some Prozac".

I was about to fall on the floor in fits of laughter at that point, but quickly straightened up because the train conductor was walking my way. I guess he heard about the commotion and was coming to our car to check it out. Reichsleiter immediately called to him saying that the women on the other side of her aisle were bothering her because they were talking. The conversation went something like this:

Conductor: This is no longer the quiet car. People are allowed to talk while riding public transportation
Reichsleiter: I read the memo about the quiet car, but it also said that people should talk quietly
Conductor (looking around the car): Were these women disturbing anyone?
Surrounding riders (not including me- I had to keep my head down because I was clearly laughing my arse off) piped up with different responses depending on whether they were part of the Third Reich or not (i.e. NORMAL people who don't need Prozac). Reichsleiter mentioned again that they were bothering HER.
Conductor: I'm sorry, but this is PUBLIC (he enunciated the word) transportation. People have a right to talk with each other. If you don't stop this, I'm going to have you escorted off the train at the next stop.
Reichsleiter: That would be a lot better than to listen to those two.

Then Reichsleiter looked at the conductor and said, "just get out of my face and leave me alone."

Me:

The conductor then got on his walki-talkie to the security guard and said, "I need you to come to the FORMER (again enunciating the word) quiet car and help me with a situation."

Then the conductor walked toward the original two women. I was still giggling at this point, but I think they called him over to ask him about the quiet car. As he was explaining the fact that this wasn't a quiet car, the irate man sitting across from me literally JUMPS out of his chair and marched over to the conductor and GRABBED HIS ARM!

I thought for sure there would be a fight, but the conductor held his cool. Irate man had another tirade (albeit smaller than the one before) about how people shouldn't talk on the train, etc., to which the conductor again reminded him that this was no longer the quiet car.

The security guard showed up and the conductor told him that if ANYONE caused any sort of commotion, he was to escort them off the train.

It was pretty quiet after that.

I wrote a note to the original two women letting them know that I was conducting QCN studies and this would CERTAINLY be on my blog and offered them my web address. When I walked up to them, I could tell that they thought I was another Nazi, but once they started reading the note they laughed. I was back in my seat by the time they finished with the note.

I could NOT wait to get home last night to blog about this, but I was POOPED out from all of the things that had happened during the day. Let's just say that the dead body in the morning and the ruckus in the evening was just the bread of the day's sandwich. The meat of the day (work- the thing I was originally dreading) was enough to make me want to come home and put the covers over my head.

So, I didn't blog last night. But one of the women did come to my blog and wrote this comment on my last QCN update. I *LOVED* it:

All I can say is THANK YOU! When you first walked up to me on the train....I thought..."Oh, My, God!" Not another one!! Today was my first and LAST trip on what was supposedly the last heaving breath of the "QC" I have NEVER experienced anything quite like that and hope I never do again! I was too shocked to really react to what was happening around me. My co-worker and I were just blown away! I can only hope that you got pictures of what proved to be the most bizarre train ride of my life (So Far) I didn't even notice that the QCN was who she was until I read your blog...and true to form...there she was...sittin' on the floor, near the door...

I just hope that they don't ever blow my cover. Riding in this car is WAY too entertaining to give up, as long as I keep flying under the Nazi radar...

Just as funny as the rest of the entertainment was the announcement I heard over the loud speakers on the train; "Please keep your shoes and socks on your feet while riding the train... blah blah blah (I don't remember the rest because this time I was laughing OUT LOUD- Nazi's be damned!).

Come on, people? Does the conductor have to tell you not to take off your shoes and socks?

Ahhhhh, public transportation. Free entertainment for everyone.