Searching for Roots

I've pre-posted my vacation log so it runs thru tomorrow (Friday) and am glad that I've given myself the gift of catching my breath after this wonderful experience.

I wasn't planning on starting up the daily blog again until this weekend, but I was sitting here watching Dr. Phil (shut it- I *LOVE* Dr. Phil). The bearded eye-roller is on a business trip and returns tomorrow, which explains why I'm watching Dr. Phil at 9pm. I have a list of things I do when BER travels:

• Watch the shows I save for the weekend (Dr. Phil, Oprah, American Idol (yay- Jordon!), and Dancing With the Stars (thanks to Kathy Howe for turning me on to this show... I must kill you NOW) and The Bachelor (shut it! I cry at the finale every.stinkin'.time. and this time was no different.)


• Have my Vietnamese Hot Chili Garlic Sauce (stinky breath that I wouldn't subject on BER , but yum!)


• Stay in my jammies all day on my telecommute days with no makeup

OK, that's neither here nor there, but I was positive you'd be interested in what I do while BER was traveling.

Anyhoo.... What a great day.

It started with lunch with one of my favorite people in the world who shares the same middle name as me. I've told her this many times... when we get together it fills my soul. There's just something about her that I connect with more than just about anyone else. Plus? She gives the best hugs ever.

Maybe I should have lunch with her every day.

Girlfriends are the best. I only have a handful of 'true' real-life girlfriends, but I treasure them SO MUCH even if I don't see them often.

If you're in my "real" life and I've given you my blog address- you are one of the people I count as my 'true' girlfriends- be assured of that. I don't trust very many people in my 'real' life to give this blog address to.

I drove to work because I had a doctors appointment after work. On my way home, I listened to one of my favorite CDs- Don Henley's Inside Job. Whenever I hear the lyrics from the song Annabel, I *always* think about my sons and it brings tears to my eyes.

I watch you sleeping
My weary heart rises up on wings
I hear your laughter
Something deep down inside me sings

Oh child, I cannot tell you how the time just flies
But I have had my days of glory under sunny skies
These days, your bright dreams are all I want to see
Sleep tight, Annabel
You can always count on me

In this cold world, folks will judge you
Though they don't know you at all
And I may not be there to catch you
Anytime that you might fall

But, you got my hard head
And your mother's grace
All the likeness of the loved ones right there in your face ( ::chills:: )
And I know in the end you'll be who you will be (something I've always encouaged to my sons)

So sleep tight, Annabel
You can always count on me

Then I topped it off with a song that I relate to in ways that boggle my mind- My Thanksgiving. I'm only pasting the words that ring true to me:

Now the trouble with you and me, my friend
Is the trouble with this nation
Too many blessings, too little appreciation


I've got great expectations
I've got family and friends
I've got satisfying work
I've got a back that bends

For every breath, for every day of living
This is my Thanksgiving

Have you noticed that an angry man
Can only get so far
Until he reconciles the way he thinks things ought to be
With the way things are

Here in this fragmented world, I still believe
In learning how to give love, and how to receive it
And I would not be among those who abuse this privilege
Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge

And I don't mind saying that I still love it all
I wallowed in the springtime
Now I'm welcoming the fall

For every moment of joy
Every hour of fear
For every winding road that brought me here
For every breath, for every day of living
This is my Thanksgiving

For everyone who helped me start
And for everything that broke my heart
For every breath, for every day of living
This is my Thanksgiving

Amen brother Don, that song just says it all.

When I got home, I found a letter from my sweet grandmother in my mailbox. I have a little file folder in my filing cabinet with a heart on it. Her letters are in that file. She tells me how much she loves getting letters from me and I can totally relate because it could be the worst day ever, but when I see her writing on an envelope, suddenly my world becomes a million times brighter.

Since BER was out of town, I thought it would be a great night to give her a call. I'm still smiling from that conversation.

I lived for 46 years without my grandmother in my life, and am so grateful that I met her, even though it took 46 years. I'm so grateful that have the opportunity to get to know her. She's in her 90's, and what are the chances that she'd live this long- long enough to allow me to connect with her?

I'll tell you this- you'd never guess her age, so I'm hoping that I have as much time as possible with her. We have a lot of time to make up.

That brings me back to Dr. Phil. The show was about people who grew up not knowing anything about one or both of their parents. As I listened to their stories, I hoped for them that they will eventually find the missing piece to the puzzle, like I have. Because I have a wonderful dad- the man who raised me, it was so easy all of these years to pretend that finding this side of my heritage didn't matter- but now that I have it? It DOES matter. I feel so enriched and fulfilled now that the missing pieces are together, and I feel so blessed.

The evening was topped off with a call from the bearded eye-roller . I never thought it would be possible for me to miss someone so much after just one day- but this house feels so empty without his presence. Who knew that I'd be so happy that I would miss someone so much? I sure didn't. I am not exaggerating when I say that I'm thankful EVERY DAY that I've found someone that makes me feel this way.

Yep, it's been a great day.

Tomorrow, 12/31 is your birthday. It seems odd to me that I never knew when your birthday was until after you died. From now on, though, I will think about you and reflect on your life on this day.

I often wonder what it would be like if you were alive when I finally 'found' you. I wonder about the conversations we would have had. I'd like to think that you would have recognized in me the traits that are so like yours.


It's obvious that most of my physical traits come from you, as is evidenced by our picture at the same age. As I've gotten to know you better through your family- I am also so amazed at the similarities in personality.

I see us both as being huge risk takers, and I know exactly why we do it. We both have high IQs which enables us to figure out the things we need to do, to get from start to finish. So, armed with this knowledge, I know that there is not one thing I can't do, if I set my mind to it. It may not happen exactly as planned, and I might have to go back to the drawing board a few times, but the end result is that I've achieved what I wanted to achieve. I've proven it to myself over and over again, and when things don't work out right away it makes me work even harder. This side of my personality has served me well in my career, however there have been times that I couldn't see the light at the end of the path I'd set out for myself. I knew the light was there, somewhere, I just couldn't see it. I had to rely on faith in myself to keep going sometimes, even though that faith was just a shred.

I wonder if this trait we share, is the one that caused you to take that final step. Because I've painted myself into corners, due to my need prove I can do ANYTHING, I have to admit that I understand, almost too well, the emotional place that ended your journey here.

I think of all of the traits that we share, this is the one that is both a blessing and a curse. I will do my best to honor you by focusing on the positive and learn from you what could happen if I am not careful.

If he could, I'm sure that Casey would like to thank you for his hair. He thinks his hair is 'all that and a bag of chips', and it is obvious from looking at pictures that it came from you.


I think we can probably 'thank' you for the wiseacre side of Cameron's personality. OK, to be honest- that trait didn't skip a generation. I have it too.

I remember when I received this picture, how blown away I was at how much Cameron looks like you.


As I've received other pictures throughout the past 18 months, I see how much Casey looks like you too. The way you looked varied from picture to picture, so the similarities switch back and forth. One thing is for sure- you certainly had a strong set of genes.

This may sound strange, but I was really glad to hear that you were a good father to my half-sisters. I was told by my mother that you weren't in my life because you didn't like children, and I believed it. It was nice to hear that this wasn't the case at all. It was merely a set of circumstances that kept us from having a relationship.

I want you to know that I do not harbor any resentment about the fact that you were not in my life. I used to, just a little, before I understood the grand scheme of things. There is no doubt in my mind that everything happened the way it was supposed to.

My dad is, and always has been, an awesome dad to me. He's been my dad since I was five, but I honestly believe that he was ALWAYS meant to be my dad in the family lottery.

I cannot imagine, even for a minute, being in this world without my sister and my brother . If things would have worked out between you and my mother, I would have missed out on two people that have brought me a lot of joy and a sense of belonging. I know without a doubt that they were meant to be my siblings.

I have been blessed with all of this, and now I am blessed to have your family in my life. I've said it many times, but I need to say it again. It's as if I've always been a part of your family, and it boggles my mind that I've only known them less than two years.

Your mother, my grandmother, fills the one void that I've felt all of my life. Think about the odds that I'd meet your mother at the ripe old age of 92. It's pretty amazing, isn't it? The relationship I have with her is very special to me and I'd like to think that you're somewhere out there smiling about the joy both of us feel when we are on the phone together.

On your birthday, I can think of no better gift than to tell you that I am proud of the man that I've come to know through your family. I am proud of the fact that you are my father. I am proud that you were such a kind and gentle man, and seemed to want to take care of everyone around you. I think you'd be proud to know that these traits are things that my sons and I share as well. You've given the three of us many gifts- even though we've never met. Isn't that amazing? I sure think so.

Tomorrow night, I will step away from the guests, light a candle in your honor, and think about you for a while. I hope that somehow, wherever you are, you'll feel and understand the things I've been thinking. I just wish I could say them to you in person.

There are days that I look back on all that has happened in my life and if I weren't the one living it, I'd have a difficult time believing all of it happened to one person. Some of it very, very good and some of it very, very bad. I chose not to write here about the very, very bad because it's now just a part of my history and what has made me the person I am today.

One thing is certain; I wouldn't dream of trading my life with anyone.

August 28th marked the one-year anniversary of meeting my grandmother for the first time. I've been thinking a lot about this anniversary, and can scarcely believe that it was only one year ago. We talk so familiarly with each other now, you'd think I'd grown up knowing her.

I called her today, to wish her a happy anniversary and also simply to hear her sweet voice. I mentioned that she sounded tired and she said, "well, honey, it's all part of getting old" (she's 93) and then went on to tell me that one of her friends sent her a book about living to be 100. I told her that I hoped she lived to be at least 100 years old, as long as she feels good, because I'm not ready to give her up for a long time.

There are times that I feel jilted because it took so long for me to find my family. To be true to my belief system, I'd have to acknowledge that there was a reason for it. I can't imagine what that reason would be, but it's neither here nor there.

Over the past year, we've done a lot of catching up through letters and phone calls. I don't call her as often as I should, but on average we talk on the phone about twice a month and supplement that with letters.

Her letters are so precious to me, because I know how difficult it is for her to write after she broke her shoulder last year. She apologizes for her handwriting, but I assure her that the fact that it takes so much effort for her to write to me, makes me cherish her letters even more. I have a special folder, with a heart on it, where I keep every little thing she has sent me.

It was a year ago that I found out about my paternal Scottish heritage, and interestingly enough the clan crest plaque that I ordered several months ago arrived on 'our' anniversary. I also ordered one for the Scottish clan on my mother's side (och aye, I have a wee bit o' Scot in me) and they now hang one over the other in our sun room. Pretty cool, huh?


I have definitely found a new sense of 'me' since coming to know my father's family- my family. That tired old line of "you complete me" has a whole new meaning to me now, and as trite as it may sound- I really do feel complete.

I never thought I'd have the opportunity to get to know, and even better- love my grandmother. I never thought that at the age of 46, I'd be asking my grandmother the question I asked her today; "what is your favorite color?"

In case you're wondering; it's blue. Just like her eyes.

Soon after I wrote the post about needing to make a decision about my Hospice organization, I sent an email to the Hospice counselor I was working with. I shared everything with her; the reasons I was thinking about moving to another Hospice and the fact that I still hadn't felt any sort of answer either way.

I believe that cleared my conscious enough to keep an open mind when I went to a grief training session at the new Hospice organization.

I got to see another side of the person I'd interviewed last Friday, and it was a good one. She has a WONDERFUL sense of humor (yeah, I know- seems weird to think that there can be humor when death and grief is the topic...). Within four hours, my decision was made.

I completed the background check paperwork and turned it in. As long as they don't find out my past as a hardened criminal ( ) I'll start working with them in a couple of weeks.

I like the way they do things there. They first send a packet of information to the families, and also include the phone number that they'll be using to call them. This lets them know to give us another number if ours is their cell number and they do not wish to be contacted via cellphone. Calling people's cell phone numbers ALWAYS made me nervous.

They call them in the first month, but then they also call them about three months later. I *LOVE* that, because as I wrote in my blog, my experiences with the newly grieving are vastly different than those three months down the road.

I'm extremely comfortable with this decision, so I know it's the right one. I've sent an email to my former volunteer coordinator as well as the counselor I worked with.

During training on Saturday, we had a really interesting exercise that I thought I'd share. This is the third "new volunteer" training that I've taken and I've learned something different from each one. It's amazing how much there is to learn about grief, but even more- about myself.

The trainer is the grief and bereavement counselor for that Hospice organization and she uses this exercise in her grief groups.

There was a large table in the room that contained about 100 magazines going back almost 10 years. I'm sure they'll be returned to the doctor's office soon. We were asked to think about someone who most recently died that was significant to us and then cut out pictures from magazines to represent that person or how you feel about that person.

I was surprised at my immediate reaction, because I thought of my father. Interestingly enough, he died over 10 years ago, but I didn't find out until February of last year. So, to me- he died last year.

Instead of shooing off that thought, I decided to go with it and see where those magazines took me.

As I rummaged through the assortment of magazines, my hands started shaking and I could feel that something was bubbling under the surface, but what was it? It's amazing to me how I'm able to really *feel* other people's emotions and understand what those feelings represent. But my own? It takes a lot of work for me to figure out what I'm feeling; which is a large part of why I blog.

Eventually, I came up with the collage at the bottom of this post.

Everyone else had mostly pictures in their collage- mine were words. Maybe it's because that's how I think of my father- I don't have clear pictures (memories?) of him- although I know what he looked like- but I have a lot of stories.

When we finished our collage, we were asked to explain what it all meant. I felt a little embarrassed that I made mine about someone that I don't even know, when other people were making theirs about people that they were obviously very close to. To me, it felt like it might appear that I was making light of this exercise. But I wasn't.

This exercise showed me that there is more under the surface that I need to process. Not because of the words on the collage, but the feelings that kept bubbling to the surface, but never quite get there. Not necessarily of his death, but everything.

Of course, the most important thing is the happiness I've found in the family that he left behind.

(put your cursor over the words to see what each one indicated to me):

I’ve been wanting to write about the trip to visit my grandmother since we got back, but life has gotten in the way; all of it really good. We’ve been picking out carpet for the new house, getting rid of things in the old house, and making plans for all of the fun things we plan to do after we move. The biggest news this week is that we signed our closing documents on Thursday and should have the keys in our hot little hands on Tuesday.

In addition to the fun stuff, we’ve experienced WIND STORM 06 in my little town, making the electricity go in and out and internet completely out. Does Mother Nature not understand that I get a little woozy when I’m without Internet connection for extended periods of time? I can’t even use my cell phone here to connect because I do not get reception here (but will have lovely reception at the new house!) I’m writing this post with no internet connection, intending to upload it once I get connectivity.

So, on to the purpose of this post.

The trip to visit my family was everything that I could have imagined. It’s hard to believe that a year ago I didn’t know these people, yet now they are family. In addition to the purpose of the trip, it was so nice to spend so much time with my sons. I enjoy their personalities so much and wish I could see them more often. They couldn’t be any more different, yet they both have the same gentle spirit underneath their distinguishable personality traits. This mama couldn’t be more proud of her sons and I was so excited to introduce them to this family that I’ve come to love.

As pulled up to my grandmother’s house I was almost overwhelmed with emotion because of what was about to happen. I was the first to walk in the door and immediately hugged and kissed my grandmother and then my aunt. Then the moment came where I was able to introduce my sons. I briefly looked at my oldest son and saw tears in his eyes, which told me that he too saw this for the monumental event that it was. It was hard to not become extremely emotional after witnessing this, but I put my Hospice skills at work and maintained my composure. Well, mostly anyway...

We brought our wedding video to share and I also remembered to bring the wedding album between my birth father and mother. My grandmother and aunt poured over every page, sharing their memories of the event as they turned the pages.

My aunt left the room briefly and came back with a gift for me from my grandmother. She gave me her wool scarf made from the family Tartan. My composure skills went down the drain at that point. Later, my aunt gave me something of my father’s. It was very surreal to hold something in my hands that belonged to my father. It’s strange, but he becomes more real to me with every picture and every story- and now I have something that belonged to him.

Later that evening the rest of the family met us at a restaurant to celebrate my grandmother’s 93rd birthday. Everyone was making comparisons of the boys to my father; in both personality and physical traits. I’m sure they were analyzing my sons just as much as my sons were analyzing them. As for me, I was just enjoying watching my sons find the same familiarity that I had found with this family. There was so much laughter at that table. They truly are like us.

The boys both have since told me that it feels as if we’ve always been a part of that family. I know I feel that way and I suspect we’re not alone in thinking this.

On the way home, I had a few moments alone with my oldest son. He told me how strange it was to see his physical traits on these people who, up until now, have been strangers. I told him that it was so cool for me to have someone who now completely relates to everything that I’ve been feeling. My sister relates to some parts of this because she recently met her birth mother, but she didn’t have the same “I look and act JUST like these people” experience that I have had. BJ relates to none of this, but that doesn’t make him any less supportive and enthusiastic about all of it. Now there are two people in this world, who happen to be my sons, that completely ‘get’ what I’m feeling. I don’t know why that’s so important to me, but for it to be my sons makes it even better.

I believe that this whole experience gives my sons and me just a bit more of a bond than we already had. We’ve been able to share something that most people in this world could never imagine experiencing. I’d like to think that this experience gives them something else to add to their ability to understand the big picture of life, and how everything happens as it should.

This certainly will be a story that they will share many times, just as I have. And, like me, they’re hoping to add more stories as we continue to visit and get to know our ‘new’ family.