Searching for Roots

I'm one of those action oriented types. Give me a problem and watch me go! Don't make me plan it out. I don't need "no stinkin' plan" to get from point A to point B.

Yesterday I ordered my b-father's death certificate and I'm trying to locate his obituary. Since my original intent to find him not only about finding him, but also finding his family, the fact that he's no longer alive shouldn't stop my search.

His death certificate will give me information about how he died. It's not morbid curiosity, it's because of it being potentially due to complications from the same disorder I have. I'm hoping to see the words, "auto accident" on the death certificate, quite frankly. Sixty is awfully young.

I got one dead end on the obituary, but the county librarian said she'd research other papers for the week before and after the date of death, in case the information I have is wrong. The obituary is where I hope to find information about my b-siblings.

Since my father had such strong genes (I look just like him) I wonder what my sisters look like. I've always wondered what "me" looks like. There's also that whole debate about environment -vs- genes. Are they like me? My cousin, who I've just reunited with (shout out to kruzerone!) knew my father. My cousin is MUCH (snicker) older than me. He told me that my father was a very smart and determined type of man. His description of his personality sounds an awful lot like mine in regard to my business side. I don't know what kind of human being he was though. He sounded very passionate, but was he kind?

Here is a picture of my b-father and my mother on their wedding day. There is no denying I look like him. My oldest son has his identical face from the nose up. Same identical nose. It's kind of freaky actually, because I don't have that nose. I have his eyes, cheekbones, lips (or lack thereof) and I used to have those eyebrows. Ugggh.


I did briefly tell hubby about it, but played down how I felt about it. It was maybe a five minute conversation. That's very short considering all of the hours I've been thinking about it in the last two days. Really, after I figured out what it was that made me sad, it all made a whole lot more sense.

It's all about closure. Things I can no longer ask. I can't say that I loved this man, because I didn't even know him. I was curious about him, and very curious about his actions; or rather, lack of actions. I was curious as to whether what my mother has told me all along was true. Did he REALLY leave her when she became pregnant with me because he didn't want children? That would explain why he never made an effort to contact me. But it wouldn't explain why I have siblings.

So now I can only hope to find out these answers from any family that he may have left. Even if it is true, I don't think that finding out for sure is going to take any more of an emotional toll on me than it has over the past 45 years. It's something I've learned to believe. It would be really cool to find out that what I was lead to believe all these years was wrong. If not, well, no harm done.

There is family out there and I intend to find them. If they don't have the answers, that's fine. That's not why I'm searching.

Stay tuned...

I have been searching for my biological father off and on throughout my entire adult life. It wasn't because I needed a father, I already have a truly wonderful father. He's my Dad. It's easy to be a father, but I believe that being a dad is something special.

I think part of my reason of wanting to locate my father was out of curiosity, part of it was wanting to know the "real" story, not just my mother's side, and part of it was to track down my biological siblings and any surviving members of his family. I can tell by looking at pictures of my biological father that he has some pretty strong genes. I have several of his facial features, and his curly dark hair. I also recognize parts of him in both of my boys, which is rather strange since I've never met the man. I've only seen pictures. I'd like to see what the rest of "me" looks like. I am also curious about him. What was he like? Am I like him?

I've never hired a private investigator, but I've ordered plenty of those $80.00+ people searches that gave me lots of dead ends, so I'd give up for another year or so before trying again.

Last night, while BJ was out with da boys, I was bored and ran a google seach on my name just to see what's out there. I do that every once in a while because it cracks me up. My same-name counterparts are all very cool and successful people. One is a TV producer, one is a marathon runner, one is an attorney and one is married to someone with my brother's name. That was kind of weird to read. Yuck... love ya, bro, but yuck!

Last night's search lead me to a link to an adoption registry. My heart started pounding because I thought that maybe my father (or other family members) was looking for me. Turned out that it wasn't me, but I decided to go ahead and register there. Couldn't hurt.

Within two hours I got an email back from someone who does free records research. First of all, how cool is that? She looked up my information and told me lots of stuff about my mother and the marriage to my biological father. Then she told me that she found a death record that was the same name (first, middle and last) and the right age. I don't know his birthday, but it was the correct year. He died when he was 60, almost 13 years ago. I'm willing to bet that he died of the same disorder that I have, since it's genetic.

I don't know this man, yet I was overwhelmed with sadness when I read that email. I'm still sad, but the sadness is being trumped by curiosity about WHY I'm sad.

I wish this information had come at a different time, because I don't feel like it would be appropriate for me to be upset about this and share those feelings of sadness with my husband. He just lost his father; a man who he has known and was best friends with his entire life. To me, showing any grief over this person that I didn't know would seem to minimize what my husband is going through. Not to mention the fact that he died 13 years ago. I'm having a difficult time wrapping my mind around all of this.

I have a lot to mentally sort through and process. Why am I feeling this way about someone I didn't know? Where do I want to go from here? Do I just barge in on my siblings? I now know where he lived and when he died, so I could probably get an obituary giving me lots of information. What if they don't even know I exist? Does his wife (assuming he was married at the time of his death) know I exist? I don't believe in intruding where I'm not invited; invading people's privacy. This could potentially be a huge intrusion and invasion.

This information has also smacked me in the face with my own mortality. Sixty years is not very old.

wow.