Searching for Roots

I've barely had time to think today. That's probably a good thing. Originally I had planned to take the day off so I could do my traditional pre-vacation cleaning. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm a CLEAN FREAK. Especially when:
A: Company is coming
B: We're leaving on a trip (even for one day)
C: When I'm stressed about something.

I also wanted to get packed, and take time to think about the events tomorrow. You know, relax.

NEWSFLASH!!!!! HOLY COW! My sis just called with news about her bio-mother! I told her she has to guest blog this weekend while I'm gone. Stay tuned!

OK- back to me.

I had a follow-up Dr's appointment today at 10 a.m. This doctor is one hour away so, I left the house at 8:45 (never wanting to be late). I didn't get home until 5:30. I'm SO frustrated because that TOTALLY cut into my cleaning and relaxing time! Beyond that, I'm a little stressed out over some test results and MORE follow up tests he wants to do. Apparently my iron level is so low that he scheduled me for iron IVs (you heard it, IVs!) plus iron pills four times a day until I'm back to normal. He said that my iron levels have concerned him so much that he wants to find out what's going on, so he's ordered more tests. That means I get scoped from the top and bottom. I'll let you, dear readers, figure out what that means. Yech. That will NOT be a fun day. But at least it'll involve fun drugs. Muah ha ha ha.

So now I'm trying to forget about cleaning the house and the test results, and trying to get my thoughts together. This very difficult especially after my sister's phone call (it's a yippee, by the way!).

I've finished the photo album and am happy with how it turned out. I bought a half sized white notebook with a sleeve so I can make my own cover. I decided to create a few pages of all of us together at the same age, then one page of pictures of each of us, then a couple of family shots. The pages are 6.5 x 8.5 (landscape). I didn't want to saddle my grandmother with a huge book full of pictures even though we're a very attractive family. heh.

Here's a sample:


It sounds like my family is also making quite an effort in their preparations and that is really nice. I'm trying to go there without any expectations and I hope the same from them. I feel a little bit of pressure to "shine". They're not placing this pressure on me. It's all my own doing. I've always been a perfectionist and have at times placed very unreasonable expectations upon myself. This is no exception.

My weight bothers me, and I worry that it will bother them. I'm working at it now, but I wish I'd of worked at it harder. I know I'm smart because, among being tested at genius level on professional IQ tests growing up (why test me, mother?), people tell me all the time how smart I am. But will that live up to how smart my father was? I'm funny (at least I think so!), but will I be their kind of funny?

What if I get emotional? I honestly don't know how I'm going to react tomorrow. I have a habit of putting emotions away in little boxes until I *have* to deal with them. And if I can get away with it, I NEVER deal with them! This is a habit I picked up a very long time ago, so I'm not really sure how I'm feeling. I won't know until I'm in the thick of it.

But the bottom line is that I'm ready and I've been waiting for this for a long time. I only wish my b-father could have been there too. Based on everything I've heard about him, I have a feeling we'd of really liked each other very much. So, tonight, I'm feeling a little bittersweet about the whole thing because the man who brought these sets of people together won't be there.

My sis hasn't had as much luck in reaching her bio family as I have. Mine was easy; one phone number, I called it, and the rest is history. Sis received a few phone numbers: Her bio-parents, a possible brother, and a paternal aunt.

Sis asked me to make the calls because she knows that I'm afraid of very few things. I guess that just comes from experiencing about as many scary things as one can experience in a lifetime and be able to say, "Hey, I've made it through to the other side". So, really, not much scares me anymore.

I've tried calling her bio parents (they've been married since three years after she was born) and each time the phone just continues to ring. They do not have an answering machine. I've called enough times to wonder if this isn't a bad number. I've tried the 'brother' a few times, and finally left a message for him to call me but didn't say what it was about. For all he knows, I'm a bill collector and so it's no wonder he hasn't called me back.

I called the aunt about two weeks ago and left a message to call me. Just like with the brother, I did not say what it was about. I didn't receive a return phone call, so I called again Wednesday morning. Her husband (I'm assuming) answered the phone, said she wasn't there, and offered to take a message. Instead of leaving a message, I asked when a good time would be to call her back. Before he'd give me the information he wanted to know what this was about (good husband!)

I told him it was about her brother, and that I wanted to get in touch with him regarding an adoption.
::silence::
He asked if it was about grandchildren and I told him no, the adoption was in 1969. He then told me to call back after 6pm.

10:30 pm that night I got into bed and sat straight up and said, "oh sh%&!!!!" I forgot to make the call. I beat myself up for it because I know how important this is to my sister. I think I just had WAY too much on my mind with preparing for my own bio-family visit (tomorrow!).

I called her the next morning and told her what jerk I am and she was very understanding about it. I promised that I'd call her aunt after I got off work last night.

And so I did....

But I got voicemail. I left a message for Christine asking her to please call me and I gave her my number.

Sis has asked me to write down the details so she can have it in her pile of documentation she's starting to collect, so here goes.

Christine called me back about two hours after I left the message. The conversation started out with, "I think you're confused because my brother never gave a baby up for adoption".

This means that she didn't know. I don't know why I wasn't prepared for that scenario, but I wasn't. It was then that fear set in. The adrenaline began coursing through my veins and I started shaking and I started talking in circles.

She started drilling me with questions, which I can completely understand. If someone out of the blue called me and had all this information about me and my family I'd be asking a lot of questions too. From the best of my (adrenaline-filled) recollection, here's how the conversation went:

Aunt: "John" and "Jane" didn't get married until 1971.
Me: Yes, that's what I read in the records that were sent to my sister
Aunt: Are you sure it was John DOE?
Me: Yes, that's what's on the birth certificate.
Aunt: I don't see how that's possible. He was in the army at the time.
Me: I really don't know how to explain it, and can't guarantee that it's correct. It's just what's on my sister's adoption record.
Me: Wow, I really feel bad that I'm breaking a possible secret. I assumed that since they eventually got married, and that 'Jane' even named my sister when she was born, that they would have been open about this.
Aunt: Well, who knows. Things are different now than they used to be.

::Her tone made it sound like she was reassuring me that it was OK for her to know this::

Aunt: How did you get all of this information?
Me: We hired an adoption records researcher who got the records, and then we asked the woman who helped me find my bio-family if she could help us locate everyone.
Aunt: I find this all so interesting because I'm a data analyst. I had no idea you could get so much information. For example how did you know I'm John's sister?
Me: Once you have a record, you can trace up and down the family tree. So, she traced up John's family tree to your parents, and then all of the children your parents had. That's where you come in.
Aunt: Oh, OK
Aunt: So, why isn't your sister pursuing this?
Me: Oh, she is. But she's afraid. My sister actually tried to call [one of her bio-brothers] and only got voicemail. She never left a message, and it was scary for her.
Aunt: Who did she think [bio-brother's name] was?
Me: Her biological brother
Aunt: OK
Me: She really wants to make contact, but the idea of being rejected over something this important is scary. I'm her older sister and I've always taken care of her so it was natural for her to ask me to help her with this. Besides, I've recently been through a similar situation myself.

I went on to tell her my own story and how wonderful it turned out. I told her that this made my sister want to reach out to her bio-family too.

Aunt: So, you're how much older than your sister?
Me: 9 years
Aunt: Oh, OK.
Aunt: What is your sister's name?
Me: [Sis], but her birth certificate reads, [birthname]
Aunt: So she's your sister-in-law? (noticing that we have the same last name)
Me: Oh, no- I'm her sis. I didn't take my husband's name when we married.
Aunt: Oh, OK.
Aunt: So, who was the mother on the birth certificate?
Me: Jane Doe.
Aunt: I just don't understand. They didn't get married until 1971.
Me: Yeah, I can understand why it'd be confusing.
Aunt: Are your parents still alive?
Me: Yes they are, in fact they live in [her state]
Aunt: Isn't that interesting how we all live so close together?
Me: Yes
Aunt: I will call Jane and talk to her
Me: That would be wonderful. And please tell her that we did not mean to expose her.
Aunt: What if she'd rather talk to [sis] than you?
Me: Oh! Of course, here's her number

Then I gave her my sister's number

Me: Can you do me a favor though?
Aunt: Sure
Me: Will you call me back and let me know if Jane says that she never gave a baby up for adoption? This way, my sister can investigate further to see what happened with her adoption records.
Aunt: Well, it'll be Jane that calls your sister
Me: Well, I'm assuming she won't call her if she didn't give her up for adoption
Aunt: I guess that's true. OK, I'll let you know if she says she didn't give her up for adoption.
Aunt: Well, I'm going to call Jane now
Me: Thank you so much. Oh, and assure Jane know that my sister doesn't want anything from her. She only wants to talk and possibly get to know her.
Aunt: OK
Me: Thank you again, goodbye.
Aunt: Goodbye

I then called my sister and told her what had happened. We discussed possible scenarios going forward. Since the aunt wasn't aware of the adoption, it's quite possible that Jane didn't tell anyone; including my sisters bio-father (Jane's now husband). Although I can't imagine that, it is possible.

This would mean that Jane needs to carefully plan how to communicate this information with her family before proceeding to contact my sister. That could take some time.

There is also the possibility that she may not want to make contact, but I honestly can't imagine that. Especially with the fact that they later went on to marry and have three children together. All boys.

And there's the third possibility that she may not want to make contact now, but may change her mind in the future.

This is the hard part. The waiting. Sis knows that no more contact can be made because the ball is now in her bio-mother's court. I suggested that if she doesn't hear from her, that maybe after a few months she can mail a letter to her aunt to give to her mother telling her about herself and sharing her thoughts to assure her bio-mother that her intentions are pure. But then that has to close the book.

I hope that my sister's journey turns out as good as mine has so far. If it doesn't, then I know she knows that I, her sister, will always be there for her.

No matter what.

'I've Loved You For 65 Years'

August 22, 2005

By John Sharify


SEATTLE - A man from West Seattle has a message for all of us: It's never too late!

Jim Dewey found his mother, at the age of 65. That's his age, not hers.

She's 83.

"Occasionally, I have to pinch myself. Did this really happen?" says Jim, a retired King County Corrections Officer.

It happened alright. Dewey found his birth mother.

When he started searching though, he didn't know if she was even alive. He assumed she wouldn't be, "given my age," he says.

Turns out Maude Wallace lives in Northern California. Maude gave Jim up for adoption at birth. His single mom was only 17.

A loving couple in Boise adopted him, but Jim says he didn't feel complete until he found his birth mom.

He did, thanks to private investigator Kevin Jensen.

"I was delighted," says Jensen, a former co-worker who didn't know at the time, the woman he was looking for, Maude Wallace, had changed her name.

"Her name turned out to be Betty," he says.

A different first name, a different last. He still tracked her down by digging into the family's roots. And so Jim Dewey was ready to make that first call to mom.

"First, I said that I had been looking for her in effect for 65 years and she said: 'I've loved you for 65 years," says Dewey.

65 years later, Jim has a new sister, a new brother, and lots of new cousins.

Jim's wife couldn't be happier.

"I don't have a mom anymore and now I have one too," Margy says.

It's never too late. Just ask Jim and his mom.

By the way, Jim calls his mom two or three times a week. He got to visit her a few months ago and he says he can't wait to be with her during the holidays.

I spent most of the day yesterday scanning pictures of the boys and a few more of me. I want to put together a small photo album to give my grandmother when I meet her next Saturday.

I'm not quite sure how to package it.

I think I might package it as all of us at the same ages. Me and the boys at 1 week, me and the boys at 1 month, etc. Of course, one of us (I won't name any names) continues on past 24 years old.

Or, I could package my favorite pictures of each of us and lump them by subject (me, my youngest my oldest).

I don't want to give her too many pictures because I'm sure she doesn't need another book to gather dust.

The reason I think it'd be interesting to put us together at the various ages is because I know that they're bringing pictures of my b-father. It'd be interesting to compare all of us together at certain ages, since I've been told of the strong family resemblance.

I'll probably do some fun graphics (like framing around the pictures and different angles, etc.) to make it more interesting to look at.

Anybody have any good suggestions?

PS- Here are a couple of pictures I enjoyed:

This picture cracked me up. It looks like a junior Hugh Hefner in Tweety Bird slippers:


And this is the newborn picture of Howard Huge on the left and Peanut on the right. Notice the blanket pattern is the same size. This is what it looks like when there are three pounds of difference between babies!


Oh, and here's mine:


Interesting note; I was born at the exact time (down to the minute) as my oldest (on the left) and was the exact height and weight (down to the ounce). How's that for weird?

I think a phone call from one of my 'new' Aunts prompted this dream. She called me a couple of nights ago to tell me what they have planned for our visit on the 28th.

(YIKES! The 28th is just around the corner!)

They've planned an open house and have invited lots of people. BJ and I will be sitting next to my grandmother and talking with her while guests come and go. It almost sounds like a wedding reception line. They plan to have pictures out for everyone to see and I'll bring a few of my own.

My 'new' family are very kind and warm people and I feel very much at home with them. It's my understanding that my grandmother, although eager to meet me, is nervous about it. I've told my aunt to let her know that it is not my intent to play 20 questions. I'm not like that. I would like to know one day what happened and why my father wasn't in my life, but I'm not going to push the issue. It's enough to know that it wasn't about him not wanting children. I can lay that blame I've lived with all my life on the shelf and say goodbye to it. Enough people have told me that he adored his daughters for me to know that I am not to blame for the divorce between my parents.

Everyone, including my mother, keeps alluding to family secrets and things that they're not sure my grandmother wants to tell me. If I do find out these secrets, I'll not be sharing them here but I'll be sharing my feelings. How I'll manage to do both at the same time, I'm not sure. It bothers me that there is something (or things) that I don't know and may never know, especially the 'hush hush' feeling of it all. My curious and imaginative mind is something that shouldn't be left to play alone for very long.

When we visited my parents last weekend, my mother was alluding to a lot of things. Right before we left, she said, "I have a big secret that I'm keeping from you and it'll have to wait until I'm on my death bed". I'm serious. She actually said that. Whether it's related to my b-fathers family or something else, I don't know.

My last words to my mother? "I'm really done with family secrets."

..and I am.

I was going to say that I do not understand the need to keep secrets, but there are a smattering of people (including some of my blog readers) that know the secrets I choose to keep from people. I've given enough information when I'm asked to guest blog for folks to know the things that I hide from most of the world.

I guess the difference is that I don't tell people that I have secrets and then just clam up. It's just not fair. Especially if that secret concerns them.

Hmmm, seems as if I've gone on a tangent. So, back to the dream...

I dreamed that we were at my grandmothers house and hanging out with all of the aunts and cousins, my sister, my brother and BJ's mom (funny, how BJ's mom gets invited to all these things, huh?). Interestingly enough, my grandmother looked just like BJ's grandmother in this dream and some of my aunts looked like BJ's aunts.

It was a very comforting dream, and I feel as if I want to go back to that 'place' (that feeling). I woke up feeling a lot of peace about the situation. The people that I call my inner circle (BJ, sis, BJ's mom, my brother) were there and I think that has some sort of psychological meaning.

I'll be mulling the meaning over in my head for a while, but feel free to let me know if you come up with any brainy ideas.