Searching for Roots

I called my "new" grandmother today. I just can't get over how natural our relationship seems.

I've never really had a grandmother because my maternal grandmother came down with alzheimers and then died when I was very young. I don't have very many memories of her because we didn't see her very often before she died. My brother's grandmother (ha! go try to figure that one out) was taken out of my life when I was about 8. I loved my brother's grandmother very much but I've missed having a grandmother of my own.

Now I have my very own grandmother at the ripe old age of 45. And she's just as excited about me as I am about her.

Sigh.

It's all coming together for me now. I'm happily married to the most wonderful man on the planet (yes, I really believe that) who comes packaged with a wonderful mother, I have a dream job, we're building my dream house, I met my wonderful 'new' family, and I have my wonderful core family (my sister, my boys, and my brother-Michael).

I know it sounds like I'm bragging, but I'm not. It's all just so unbelievable to me. I must have done something right to deserve all of this, ya know?

Today I feel very blessed.

I decided to look up some information about the Scottish side to send to my sons.

The clan motto is "Sub sole sub umbra virens" which means "Flourishing in both sunshine and shade".

Just. Wow.

I was all fired up to redesign my blog yesterday. Today? Not so much. Expect my blog to be wonky for another week. I have work to do, and feel irresponsible playing around with my blog when I need to put in time on my real job. Yes, I know it's a holiday, but....

Yesterday BJ and I got together with his mom, my boys, my sis and their significant others (waving to Sam!) for a fun family style dinner at an Italian restaurant. I got to talk with the boys about last weekend and share with them things about my father's family. They are just as excited to learn about their roots as I am, so it was really fun to talk to them about it. Learning that my grandmother is Scottish was a big surprise to me, and we all chuckled about the fact that my oldest dressed like a Scot (kilt, and all) last Halloween. I've asked him to send me a picture of it so I can send it to my grandmother. I think she'll like it.

My oldest, the one who looks so much like my father, said that it was fun to see where our features came from. I agree. Until now, the only people who had my features are my boys. Just as I've mentioned before; my son said that my father had a STRONG set of genes.

What I find so interesting is how I've always felt so different from my mother, even though she is the one who raised me. I feel like we are like night and day. My father's side of the family feels like a natural fit to me, even though these are people that I have never met. It's all just so fascinating to me and a little hard to understand. I never felt uncomfortable or that I was with strangers for even a minute during our visit last weekend. On the same note, I feel uncomfortable in my mother's presence. I've been told by many that they don't even recognize me when they're around my mother and me.

My mother has made it impossible for me to talk to her about this. If you've read my blog from the beginning or know me personally, it is no secret that I have struggles with my relationship with my mother. This is just one more wedge.

Yes, she was most certainly hurt by my father leaving her and she felt abandoned. But that was 45 years ago, and it has nothing to do with my father's family. I tried to break the news gently to her about what I was doing, but when we visited her the weekend before visiting my father's family she told me that all of this was 'killing' her and causing her a lot of pain. She then went on to make things very uncomfortable for me.

She has no idea that we flew down to meet my family because I'm not willing to deal with the repercussions or ensuing drama. This, of course, means that I have to drag my family that knows about this (boys, sis, bro, hubby, hubby's mom) into the set of lies. I despise doing that. I hate lying in the first place, but asking people to lie on my behalf? Wow. This is against everything I stand for.

I just hope the topic never comes up.

I think this is what I don't like about my relationship with my mother. I can't be me, and I can't be honest. I know that there are some who would encourage me to be honest even if it does cause contention. I can't. I tried that once and it turned into threats of suicide. I was only able to resolve the situation by telling her that she was right and I was wrong.

So, you see, it's much easier to just keep my mouth shut.

I feel so torn about loyalty. I am more loyal to people than some deserve, but that's just who I am. This shouldn't be a struggle of loyalty. They are my family just as much as my mother is. This is something that I've wanted as long as I can remember, so it should be an exciting and happy time for me. Instead, I feel conflicted.

Of this, I'm sure: This internal struggle will not keep me from pursuing and maintaining a relationship with my father's family.

I just wish it didn't have to *feel* like this.

Risible Girl, my lovely and dear sister, asked me to guest blog while she's away this weekend and talk about the experience I recently had. Okay, so I'm a little late...

As you know from RG's previous posts, I've been looking for my birthparents. She was kind (and brave!) enough to get the ball rolling, so to speak, on my behalf because I'm a pansy. She had talked to my "aunt" on Thursday, who in turn called my supposed birthmother.

The next day, Friday, my birthmother called me. WHOA!!

Overall, it was very surreal. Both of us were very calm and well, kinda ordinary. It was just odd but it was all good. I suppose there isn't a right or wrong way in dealing with this.

After I answered the phone, she asked me a few questions just to confirm it was "me" she was talking to (wouldn't that have been horrible to find out we were both wrong!): what was my name when I was born; what's my birthdate, etc.

Once that was out of the way, she said it was good to talk to me finally, especially after hearing that somethin' was a'brewing for the past month. She went on tell me she thinks of me often, every year and could tell by the sound of my voice that I seem to be well-adjusted and happy. She said you never know what kind of family you'd be a part of but then again, you can also be born into a weird family -- ha ha ha!

She must've asked me how I felt about being adopted or something to that affect because I told her I've never had any ill feelings or resentment towards her for her decision (if anything, I think most mothers and fathers who make that decision are very brave and selfless). She was relieved to hear that from me and said that she doesn't feel guilty either but that it was something she had to do. I told her good, I don't want her to feel guilty. I just can't imagine at this point if things happened differently for me I wouldn't have my sister in my life or others close to me.

We talked about different things, you know, like what do I do, am I married, have kids, etc. She works two jobs, one of which is for a large retailer I love to shop at so after I got off the phone with her, my boyfriend and I went to that store in her honor.

Moving right along...

She told me she named me with the help of her mom. My first name is part of my b-mother's first name and my middle name is a name she's always loved so that makes it special to me. I had wondered where my name came from.

She also told me that who I thought was my birthfather, is NOT my father at all. In those couple of seconds after she told me that, a million thoughts went rushing through my brain, as you can imagine, like who is my father, will I ever find out. I felt so disappointed and lost. Who I thought was my father is actually my uncle. Yes, you read that correctly, my UNCLE! His brother (like you couldn't figure that out) is my father. I think it was assumed the other was my father because he went on to marry my mother three years after I was born. So now I've got a whole another set of questions to ask!

We talked for a little bit longer -- our conversation only last about 11 minutes. She had to go off to work but said she'd like to call me again. Wow, wow, wow. After I got off the phone with her, I called my sister and then sat and stewed about it for awhile. I had never imagined before I learned her name, that this day would ever come about. I had no desire actually but all that changed once I had names. Maybe it's because they were becoming real people to me.

It's been a wonderful experience and to be going through this at the same time as my sister has made it even more special. I know, without a doubt, that we were meant to be part of the same family. I certainly couldn't ask for a better sister. She's helped make this all possible for me so I will always be grateful to her. Chaiman Meow...you have been extremely supportive as well, I thank you with all my heart (sounds kinda funny directing a comment to "Sam").

I haven't had a chance to talk to my sis yet to see why she wasn't able to blog this weekend, so I'm going to keep my yapper shut about her news in case she has something. Stay tuned for that story!

Besides, I'd rather talk about ME!

The gathering of the clan (I can say that now! I'm Scottish!) was better than I could have ever dreamed. I was a little bit nervous about how I'd be accepted, but that was for naught. It was as if I'd never been gone. I was so comfortable with my family, that it felt to me like they'd always been there. It's very surreal to think about now, however it didn't feel surreal at the time. It just felt *real*.

As we pulled up to my grandmother's house, I noticed the mailbox. It's so hard to describe the feeling that hit me like a ton of bricks when I saw that last name. It's a name I've been searching for, for 20+ years. It's a name that belonged to me a long, long time ago. Suddenly, the reality of the situation came to the surface. I was about to meet my family.

My cousin and aunt were in the truck ahead of us and so we met them first. I wonder if they noticed me staring at their faces? I did a lot of that on Saturday, looking at people's features trying to find similarities. Oh boy, did I find similarities!

We walked up the steps to my grandmother's home and my aunt knocked on the door. No answer. She knocked again, and after no answer she opened the door. The living room was empty.

Then, around the corner came the most beautiful, elegant woman I've ever seen. My 92 year old grandmother. She is truly lovely. I walked over to her and kissed her and we hugged and said hello. She searched my face just as much as I searched hers. Time kind of stood still for me right then.

Then walked in my twin; another aunt. The resemblance is uncanny. Everyone kept telling me how much I looked like her based on pictures I'd sent, but now I was able to witness it myself. BJ said it was really strange to see someone else who looked so much like me. The resemblances didn't end there either, adding more to my biology vs. environment argument.

More and more family gathered and it occurred to me that this family was very much like BJ's family. The gathering I described in my dream. The feeling was exactly the same, only they had MY family's faces instead of BJ's. There was a whole lot of love in that room, just like BJ's family. Just like with my own little family (my brother, my sister, me and my boys). So, I had to wonder if this is what families are really like.

It all seemed so natural to me, again, like I'd always been there. How can that be, I wondered. These people are virtual strangers to me. But they weren't.

I heard stories about my father, and my cousin gave me pictures she had scanned for me (thanks cuz!). I heard stories about my grandmother and I heard stories about my aunts. What struck me is that my aunts have a relationship with each other just like me and sis. I've never been around sisters who are as close as we are, until now. They told stories of how they giggled as girls and now they giggle together as adults. I'm glad to know that we don't have to grow out of the giggling phase.

The house that day was filled with people who loved each other and had no problem showing it. There was lots of food and lots and lots of laughter. I could have stayed for many hours, but BJ and I had been up since 2:30 in the morning that day and we started zoning out at around 6pm or so.

We said our goodbyes and went back to the room and fell into our own separate comas on the bed.

The next morning we went back to my grandmothers house for one last visit before we went home. The only people who were there were my 'twin' (my aunt) and my grandmother. My grandmother was on the couch and held out her hand to me as I walked in the door. I sat next to her as she held my hand and told me how much it meant to her that I was there. She started to cry, and of course that started me in too. I hugged her and we just cried silently together for a little while.

I sat next to her on the couch for the remainder of our time spent there and she, my aunt, BJ and I shared stories. There was still laughter but it was more subdued than the day before.

Eventually it came time to go. I told my grandmother and aunt that I wanted them to know that I never EVER harbored any ill feelings for how things turned out. I told them that my dad (the man who adopted and raised me) was and is a wonderful father to me and has treated me like I was his own. I told them that I am the type of person who understands that there is a reason for everything and I'm just glad that I was able to finally connect, even if my father wasn't in the picture anymore. I meant every word of it, as anybody who knows me would know.

As we said goodbye, my grandmother and I held each other one last time and cried. She thanked me for bringing part of her son back to her. We then looked into each others eyes and it was as if we were the only two people in the room.

As we drove off, I saw my aunt and grandmother standing at the door waving goodbye and I cried. I missed them already and didn't really want to leave. How is it that I could love people so quickly?

My grandmother asked us to call when we got home so she knew we were safe. My aunt answered the phone and she shared with me that the house had been a buzz all day with phone calls about me. We talked for a while and then she put my grandmother on the phone. My grandmother said that everyone "fell in love" with me while we were there and that they all thought my 'honey' was a wonderful man. I'd already heard that from them many times, and I have to agree! I did tease him about it though. I told him that this was supposed to be about me and not him, so could he quit being so charming please? Heh.

As we said goodbye, the words, "I love you" came out of my mouth as naturally as if I'd been saying it to her for years. She replied, "Oh honey, I love you too". And we said goodbye.

I sat on the bed alone for a little bit and pondered the weekend. I expected that I'd walk away from there feeling sadness for never having met my father, but I didn't. I feel that I know more about who he was and what he stood for, but I don't feel him. I don't feel him like I feel my sweet aunt who passed on many years ago. Perhaps that's because I wouldn't recognize him. I guess I have to be honest and admit that I do feel a little sad about that, but the happiness I feel about his wonderful family; MY wonderful family certainly trumps any sadness.

I honestly do not know how this weekend could have gone any better. I'm truly blessed.