Searching for Roots

Here's a hint:


Yup, that's my beautiful grandmother. Isn't she lovely? She's so graceful and elegant and teeny tiny. I feel like a big ol' buffalo compared to her- but that's not really important, now, is it? The important thing is that I found her two years ago and now I have a grandmother to call my own.

I was really sad that it was such a short visit, but we had work to attend to and the flight options weren't very good. We left at 9:30 pm Friday night and got on a plane at 5:30 a.m. this morning, so there was just one day to spend together.

Before we got there, I had a bit of an issue. It's kind of hilarious, and definitely blog-worthy.

We stopped at Starbucks on our way to visit my grandmother. Not being familiar with this car since it was a rental, I didn't understand that perhaps I should be careful about the door potentially shutting itself on my hand. There I was with one hand holding my iced vente americano, the other on top of the door as I sat down. Then bang- the door shut on my hand and it was stuck.

Sure, I could have dropped the coffee to give myself a hand free to open the door myself, but:
A: What a mess that would have made in the rental car
B: What a waste of good coffee
C: I could have gotten coffee all over myself

I chose instead, to cry out to the bearded eye-roller, "My hand is stuck in the door and I can't open it." BER moved faster than I've seen him move in a long time and freed my hand from the door.

In case you're wondering, that didn't feel very good- but I could NOT stop laughing. It was pretty embarrassing to admit that I'd rather keep my hand in the door than drop the precious coffee.

The visit with my grandmother was lovely. My aunt and cousin were there when we showed up, but said that they wanted my grandmother to spend time alone with us- so suggested we take her for lunch while they visited my other aunt.

Before leaving for the restaurant, my grandmother said that we could either take her walker, or she'd need an arm to hold on to while she walked. BER said, "I think having you on my arm would be a lot more fun, don't you?"

I have to say, I loved BER very much already, but watching how gentle and sweet he was with my grandmother made me fall in love even more. I told my grandmother that BER was going to be in BIG trouble later for flirting with another woman (her) and then we both giggled.

We shared private and special stories for almost three hours in that restaurant, and then went back to her home where my aunt and cousin had WAY too many baked goods (they're EVIL) and wine, and then we visited some more. She gave me some mementos to take home with me, including a birdhouse she hand painted. I didn't notice until I came home to unpack it that she'd signed it with a special note to me on the bottom. ::sigh:: I'll treasure that.

It was very difficult to pull myself away, but I could see that everyone was getting tired after a 9 hour visit, so we left.

I have so much that I would like to write about, but it's too private. I know I share a lot here on my blog, but I never share someone else's stories. That's very important to me and I know that my friends will understand.

I called my grandmother when we got home to let her know that we're safe and sound. While talking, she told me that she's so happy that BER and I are together. She said that it's very obvious that we were meant for each other. I have to agree. I'd also like to say that my grandmother and I were meant for each other- even if it didn't happen until 45 years after I was born.

I'm lucky indeed.

I've booked the flight for the bearded eye-roller and I to go visit my grandmother next month. I wish the boys (::ahem:: the men that I birthed) could come with us, but it's a little pricey to do that every year- and this was rather last minute.

That's the yucky thing about such a long wait (umm, 45 years!) before finally meeting her- so much to catch up on and so little time. She's 94, for Pete's sake. Still kickin', though. I sure hope I inherited those genes.

I have her sweet picture up on my desk at work, along with pictures of the rest of my family. It's a nice to take a break, to look at this little corner of love and remind myself of how blessed I am. My boss came by the other day and asked me if she was my "Nana". It was awfully cool to say yes and then tell the story of how we met. Not many people have a story like that to tell, eh?

It's hard to believe that we only met for the first time two short years ago. I feel as if I've known her all my life now and our conversations always flow easily. We just talk about what's been going on since the last time we talked. I think we've pretty much caught up on each others' lives by now. The important stuff, anyway.

Boy does she have a few surprises coming her way. Lessee... I've gone from a size 14 to a size 8 since I've seen her and my hair is a WAY different color. Think she'll recognize me?

I've pre-posted my vacation log so it runs thru tomorrow (Friday) and am glad that I've given myself the gift of catching my breath after this wonderful experience.

I wasn't planning on starting up the daily blog again until this weekend, but I was sitting here watching Dr. Phil (shut it- I *LOVE* Dr. Phil). The bearded eye-roller is on a business trip and returns tomorrow, which explains why I'm watching Dr. Phil at 9pm. I have a list of things I do when BER travels:

• Watch the shows I save for the weekend (Dr. Phil, Oprah, American Idol (yay- Jordon!), and Dancing With the Stars (thanks to Kathy Howe for turning me on to this show... I must kill you NOW) and The Bachelor (shut it! I cry at the finale every.stinkin'.time. and this time was no different.)


• Have my Vietnamese Hot Chili Garlic Sauce (stinky breath that I wouldn't subject on BER , but yum!)


• Stay in my jammies all day on my telecommute days with no makeup

OK, that's neither here nor there, but I was positive you'd be interested in what I do while BER was traveling.

Anyhoo.... What a great day.

It started with lunch with one of my favorite people in the world who shares the same middle name as me. I've told her this many times... when we get together it fills my soul. There's just something about her that I connect with more than just about anyone else. Plus? She gives the best hugs ever.

Maybe I should have lunch with her every day.

Girlfriends are the best. I only have a handful of 'true' real-life girlfriends, but I treasure them SO MUCH even if I don't see them often.

If you're in my "real" life and I've given you my blog address- you are one of the people I count as my 'true' girlfriends- be assured of that. I don't trust very many people in my 'real' life to give this blog address to.

I drove to work because I had a doctors appointment after work. On my way home, I listened to one of my favorite CDs- Don Henley's Inside Job. Whenever I hear the lyrics from the song Annabel, I *always* think about my sons and it brings tears to my eyes.

I watch you sleeping
My weary heart rises up on wings
I hear your laughter
Something deep down inside me sings

Oh child, I cannot tell you how the time just flies
But I have had my days of glory under sunny skies
These days, your bright dreams are all I want to see
Sleep tight, Annabel
You can always count on me

In this cold world, folks will judge you
Though they don't know you at all
And I may not be there to catch you
Anytime that you might fall

But, you got my hard head
And your mother's grace
All the likeness of the loved ones right there in your face ( ::chills:: )
And I know in the end you'll be who you will be (something I've always encouaged to my sons)

So sleep tight, Annabel
You can always count on me

Then I topped it off with a song that I relate to in ways that boggle my mind- My Thanksgiving. I'm only pasting the words that ring true to me:

Now the trouble with you and me, my friend
Is the trouble with this nation
Too many blessings, too little appreciation


I've got great expectations
I've got family and friends
I've got satisfying work
I've got a back that bends

For every breath, for every day of living
This is my Thanksgiving

Have you noticed that an angry man
Can only get so far
Until he reconciles the way he thinks things ought to be
With the way things are

Here in this fragmented world, I still believe
In learning how to give love, and how to receive it
And I would not be among those who abuse this privilege
Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge

And I don't mind saying that I still love it all
I wallowed in the springtime
Now I'm welcoming the fall

For every moment of joy
Every hour of fear
For every winding road that brought me here
For every breath, for every day of living
This is my Thanksgiving

For everyone who helped me start
And for everything that broke my heart
For every breath, for every day of living
This is my Thanksgiving

Amen brother Don, that song just says it all.

When I got home, I found a letter from my sweet grandmother in my mailbox. I have a little file folder in my filing cabinet with a heart on it. Her letters are in that file. She tells me how much she loves getting letters from me and I can totally relate because it could be the worst day ever, but when I see her writing on an envelope, suddenly my world becomes a million times brighter.

Since BER was out of town, I thought it would be a great night to give her a call. I'm still smiling from that conversation.

I lived for 46 years without my grandmother in my life, and am so grateful that I met her, even though it took 46 years. I'm so grateful that have the opportunity to get to know her. She's in her 90's, and what are the chances that she'd live this long- long enough to allow me to connect with her?

I'll tell you this- you'd never guess her age, so I'm hoping that I have as much time as possible with her. We have a lot of time to make up.

That brings me back to Dr. Phil. The show was about people who grew up not knowing anything about one or both of their parents. As I listened to their stories, I hoped for them that they will eventually find the missing piece to the puzzle, like I have. Because I have a wonderful dad- the man who raised me, it was so easy all of these years to pretend that finding this side of my heritage didn't matter- but now that I have it? It DOES matter. I feel so enriched and fulfilled now that the missing pieces are together, and I feel so blessed.

The evening was topped off with a call from the bearded eye-roller . I never thought it would be possible for me to miss someone so much after just one day- but this house feels so empty without his presence. Who knew that I'd be so happy that I would miss someone so much? I sure didn't. I am not exaggerating when I say that I'm thankful EVERY DAY that I've found someone that makes me feel this way.

Yep, it's been a great day.

Tomorrow, 12/31 is your birthday. It seems odd to me that I never knew when your birthday was until after you died. From now on, though, I will think about you and reflect on your life on this day.

I often wonder what it would be like if you were alive when I finally 'found' you. I wonder about the conversations we would have had. I'd like to think that you would have recognized in me the traits that are so like yours.


It's obvious that most of my physical traits come from you, as is evidenced by our picture at the same age. As I've gotten to know you better through your family- I am also so amazed at the similarities in personality.

I see us both as being huge risk takers, and I know exactly why we do it. We both have high IQs which enables us to figure out the things we need to do, to get from start to finish. So, armed with this knowledge, I know that there is not one thing I can't do, if I set my mind to it. It may not happen exactly as planned, and I might have to go back to the drawing board a few times, but the end result is that I've achieved what I wanted to achieve. I've proven it to myself over and over again, and when things don't work out right away it makes me work even harder. This side of my personality has served me well in my career, however there have been times that I couldn't see the light at the end of the path I'd set out for myself. I knew the light was there, somewhere, I just couldn't see it. I had to rely on faith in myself to keep going sometimes, even though that faith was just a shred.

I wonder if this trait we share, is the one that caused you to take that final step. Because I've painted myself into corners, due to my need prove I can do ANYTHING, I have to admit that I understand, almost too well, the emotional place that ended your journey here.

I think of all of the traits that we share, this is the one that is both a blessing and a curse. I will do my best to honor you by focusing on the positive and learn from you what could happen if I am not careful.

If he could, I'm sure that Casey would like to thank you for his hair. He thinks his hair is 'all that and a bag of chips', and it is obvious from looking at pictures that it came from you.


I think we can probably 'thank' you for the wiseacre side of Cameron's personality. OK, to be honest- that trait didn't skip a generation. I have it too.

I remember when I received this picture, how blown away I was at how much Cameron looks like you.


As I've received other pictures throughout the past 18 months, I see how much Casey looks like you too. The way you looked varied from picture to picture, so the similarities switch back and forth. One thing is for sure- you certainly had a strong set of genes.

This may sound strange, but I was really glad to hear that you were a good father to my half-sisters. I was told by my mother that you weren't in my life because you didn't like children, and I believed it. It was nice to hear that this wasn't the case at all. It was merely a set of circumstances that kept us from having a relationship.

I want you to know that I do not harbor any resentment about the fact that you were not in my life. I used to, just a little, before I understood the grand scheme of things. There is no doubt in my mind that everything happened the way it was supposed to.

My dad is, and always has been, an awesome dad to me. He's been my dad since I was five, but I honestly believe that he was ALWAYS meant to be my dad in the family lottery.

I cannot imagine, even for a minute, being in this world without my sister and my brother . If things would have worked out between you and my mother, I would have missed out on two people that have brought me a lot of joy and a sense of belonging. I know without a doubt that they were meant to be my siblings.

I have been blessed with all of this, and now I am blessed to have your family in my life. I've said it many times, but I need to say it again. It's as if I've always been a part of your family, and it boggles my mind that I've only known them less than two years.

Your mother, my grandmother, fills the one void that I've felt all of my life. Think about the odds that I'd meet your mother at the ripe old age of 92. It's pretty amazing, isn't it? The relationship I have with her is very special to me and I'd like to think that you're somewhere out there smiling about the joy both of us feel when we are on the phone together.

On your birthday, I can think of no better gift than to tell you that I am proud of the man that I've come to know through your family. I am proud of the fact that you are my father. I am proud that you were such a kind and gentle man, and seemed to want to take care of everyone around you. I think you'd be proud to know that these traits are things that my sons and I share as well. You've given the three of us many gifts- even though we've never met. Isn't that amazing? I sure think so.

Tomorrow night, I will step away from the guests, light a candle in your honor, and think about you for a while. I hope that somehow, wherever you are, you'll feel and understand the things I've been thinking. I just wish I could say them to you in person.

There are days that I look back on all that has happened in my life and if I weren't the one living it, I'd have a difficult time believing all of it happened to one person. Some of it very, very good and some of it very, very bad. I chose not to write here about the very, very bad because it's now just a part of my history and what has made me the person I am today.

One thing is certain; I wouldn't dream of trading my life with anyone.

August 28th marked the one-year anniversary of meeting my grandmother for the first time. I've been thinking a lot about this anniversary, and can scarcely believe that it was only one year ago. We talk so familiarly with each other now, you'd think I'd grown up knowing her.

I called her today, to wish her a happy anniversary and also simply to hear her sweet voice. I mentioned that she sounded tired and she said, "well, honey, it's all part of getting old" (she's 93) and then went on to tell me that one of her friends sent her a book about living to be 100. I told her that I hoped she lived to be at least 100 years old, as long as she feels good, because I'm not ready to give her up for a long time.

There are times that I feel jilted because it took so long for me to find my family. To be true to my belief system, I'd have to acknowledge that there was a reason for it. I can't imagine what that reason would be, but it's neither here nor there.

Over the past year, we've done a lot of catching up through letters and phone calls. I don't call her as often as I should, but on average we talk on the phone about twice a month and supplement that with letters.

Her letters are so precious to me, because I know how difficult it is for her to write after she broke her shoulder last year. She apologizes for her handwriting, but I assure her that the fact that it takes so much effort for her to write to me, makes me cherish her letters even more. I have a special folder, with a heart on it, where I keep every little thing she has sent me.

It was a year ago that I found out about my paternal Scottish heritage, and interestingly enough the clan crest plaque that I ordered several months ago arrived on 'our' anniversary. I also ordered one for the Scottish clan on my mother's side (och aye, I have a wee bit o' Scot in me) and they now hang one over the other in our sun room. Pretty cool, huh?


I have definitely found a new sense of 'me' since coming to know my father's family- my family. That tired old line of "you complete me" has a whole new meaning to me now, and as trite as it may sound- I really do feel complete.

I never thought I'd have the opportunity to get to know, and even better- love my grandmother. I never thought that at the age of 46, I'd be asking my grandmother the question I asked her today; "what is your favorite color?"

In case you're wondering; it's blue. Just like her eyes.