Things that bug me

I think I've been too busy to give in to the 'stuff' swirling around in the back of my head. I'm excellent at putting stuff away in boxes in my brain until I have time to deal with it. That's so opposite of how I handle things physically. In other words, my house is not one of a hoarder, but my brain sure is.

I know that sometimes I'll create work for myself so I don't have to deal with 'stuff', but I haven't really had to do much of that because my business has kept me so busy. That's good for the pocketbook, notsomuch for the mind. I've dealt with three deaths in less than a year and no amount of Hospice work has compelled me to do what I've learned over the years. What I should know is that putting it away in the back of my head isn't going to work for very long. Unfortunately, that's a skill that I've honed over the years- be it good or bad.

It's time I clear out the clutter in my head so I can have a peaceful night. I've had nightmares for as long as I can remember and I'm ready to ditch them. I've decided to do some free-writing, not here- because it's too personal, but some place where I can dump everything and then ceremoniously burn it.

I think a bath is in order first. That sounds FANtastic about now.

I've changed and I hardly recognize the person I used to be. I've quit writing, mostly because I feel so easily exposed which makes me claustrophobic. When I do write, it's 'safe'.

I thought I'd try an experiment of shutting down my comments so I can pretend that nobody is reading my blog. Maybe that'll bring back the honest writing.

I'm in a deep funk. Weather related? Maybe. Hormones? Perhaps. Grief? Most likely.

Maybe a combination of all three.

I've given up Hospice for good. I don't have anything left to give. I feel empty. How can I possibly support someone else when my well is dry?

I think the brain damage from the original head injury might be part of this. If I look through my blog, my thought processes and writing changed a lot after that. I've certainly lost my ability to be patient, especially with people. I'm easily smothered, even more so than before. I'm not as forgiving of people as I used to be.

Damn, I sound like a crotchety old woman. Thankfully for BJ, I'm not outwardly crotchety- or so he says.

I really want to be the person I used to be, and I don't know if that's possible. That kills me.

I wake up every morning wondering if this will be the day I see *my* face staring back at me in the mirror. I realize that it's only been eight days since the surgery, but I'm still so swollen on the inside and outside of my mouth. I talk with a lisp because my tongue is displaced from all of the swelling inside of my mouth. What lesson is this about? Vanity? OK, I'll admit it. I'm vain about how I look.

While my face isn't horrific to look at, it's not MY face. I liked my face just as it was (well, coulda used a few less wrinkles and we won't even go there about the turkey neck). I'm not going to scare little children by being out in public, but I'm not able to even look people in the eye.

I went to the dog park with Einstein yesterday and I was unable to engage with people because I was so embarrassed. I was glad that dogs don't notice that sort of thing, and of course Einstein was just thrilled to have his mama take him to do the dog park after being gone a whole week. That made the embarrassment worth every minute.

I'm still in pain, but not like the first few days after surgery. I'm only taking one pain pill when I first wake up and then one before I go to bed. I can handle the pain the rest of the day because it's not much more than I was dealing with before surgery.

I'm already seeing an improvement in how much more my mouth opens. It hurts to do it, but before the surgery my mouth was frozen I couldn't open it more than about an inch even if I tried. I'm measuring by fingers and am now able to get two fingers plus a little between my teeth. It hurts to do it, but I can do it, and that's the point. So, this surgery was a success in that regard.

After this experience I'm not sure I want ANY more surgeries unless there was a guarantee that it will take away the pain. I'll just go to a pain management clinic and deal with it that way if this doesn't take care of the pain. Based on what the surgeon said, this surgery was the only one that was a guarantee to improve my life, in that I'd be able to open my mouth like a normal person.

I don't need any cosmetic procedures done because all of the damage is hidden thanks to a 'round' face. When I get older, the caved-in cheekbone and broken orbit area will probably be more obvious due to the natural process of aging. I hope by then that I'm less vain about how I look. Maybe I'll just wear really big funny purple hair so people look at that, instead of my face. Yeah- that's what I'll do.

Back to whining, because I'm sure that's why you read my blog.

The inside of my mouth is a nightmare. Have you ever bitten the inside of your cheek accidentally, and so after that you keep biting it because it's a little swollen? Take that times 10 <- not exaggerating! Plus I have all kinds of strings (stitches) hanging out which are just begging to be fiddled with. I can't close my teeth because the inside of my mouth is in the way.

OK, I think that about covers it in the whining department.

I see the surgeon again on Monday. He's so darned excited about the instant results after removing the tendon. I'm not kidding- he is like a giddy kid. I'm happy for him and am thankful that he was able to give me that gift.

Yay! I ended this post on a good note! I knew there was good in there somewhere if I kept writing long enough.

I’m definitely in my anger phase with the broken face. I’m angry at the original physician that told me that “some people are just fainters” and sent me on my way to two more head injuries. It was her associate that sent me to the cardiologist when I went after the face bonk feeling like ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

BJ had surgery yesterday and it took three hours instead of two, on top of an alarm I heard while in the cafeteria "code red- second floor surgery". I didn't know what code red was, but I knew that's where my husband was, so I threw my lunch in the garbage and raced to the second floor. Turns out that code red is for fire- and it was a false alarm. BJ is fine, by the way. Very sore, but fine.

Yesterday was a really bad fainty day for me and I'm sure it was due to stress and the coffee (not decaf!) I had. Twice, if I'm being honest. I kept starting to black out several times and had to quickly sit down so I didn’t bonk my head in the hospital. Last night at home was particularly bad. I was continually starting to black out so much that it took me about five minutes before I could get up off the floor without fainting. Poor BJ was freaking out that I was going to hit my head and there would be nothing he could do about it. He shouldn't have to deal with that in his condition.

Where am I going with this? I’m a little bit angry at the cardiologist for giving me a 6 month wait and see after being on less stress (not right now! Have I mentioned my deadlines?) and no caffeine (not yesterday!) instead of putting me on medication. My bad for the caffiene, but I can't eliminate stress.

I saw my neurologist on Monday (she’s every 90 days), I told her about the tachycardia diagnosis. She asked if he put me on medication and she raised her eyebrows and said, “does he realize you’ve had THREE head injuries in the past two years?” So, now I feel stupid about not reminding the cardiologist about the head injuries. Maybe that was buried down in the file and he didn’t remember. I should have mentioned it.

I’m angry at the first facial surgeon who didn’t do the right thing in the first place- giving me 7 months of daily pain. I’m angry at her for not doing follow up CT scans when I went back to her telling her that things didn’t feel right.

I’m angry at myself for having white coat syndrome and not confronting these doctors when something was telling me that I was right and they were wrong. I'm angry that I'm not even 50 years old (OK, I'm close- shaddup) and I have all these issues going on. My neurologist confirmed with me that yes, at the two year mark- I shouldn't expect any more improvement than I have now. She said that I've been lucky that the last two head bonks didn't cause more brain damage and told me that it's very dangerous for me to hit my head.

Ummm yeah. I know.

Believe me when I say that I know it could be worse. I'm not dying, although there are days that I don't particularly enjoy being alive. Yup, I said it. Nope, I'm not suicidal. Just tired of living with this. All of this. I'm sick of doctors and sick of being in pain. And angry. Did I mention angry? Wow, I'm fun.

Maybe I'm just having an off day because I'm overwhelmed with lots of stuff.

Tomorrow is the six month follow up bi-lateral MRI to make sure the suspicious lesions were innocuous. I'm sure you ladies will know of which I speak, so we'll leave it at that. That better damn-well turn out fine. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I'd better get back to work, which is what I'm trying to do while BJ sleeps. He's not a bad patient, bless his heart, but I am at his beck and call. (what does beck stand for, anyway?)

So, client number 2 has someone on their team very much like the Grinch. His attitude was evident from the start, but I did my best to ignore it because that's what I do with those kinds of people.

Anyhoo.... one of the messages Grinch 2 wanted me to incorporate into the course was the idea that change is good, embrace it and love it.

The course I created has lots of creative ways to keep a user engaged. For example, instead of the tired old multiple choice questions where you have a one in four chance of getting it right, my quizzes include things like wheel of fortune, fill in the blank, arrange things in sequence, etc.

Grinch 2's job was to be the content subject matter expert. Instead, he looked at my course and whined to the training director (cc'd me) that my quizzes weren't in multiple choice format. He wanted my quizzes to be multiple choice like all their other training pieces.

Dude! What about embrace change?

I nicely wrote back (cc'ing the training director), thanking him for his feedback and that I'd be more than happy to change the format if that's what the director of training wanted. And then I wrote,

While we’re circling back, I wanted to make sure that someone was looking at the actual content of the course. It was the attached Word document and needs SME review. I’m assuming [Grinch 2] is one of the SMEs.

The training director simply wrote back, "That would be correct. [Grinch 2] would be reviewing for content correctness as it related to the new policy.

Ha! Take THAT Grinch 2!

He's not going to be a regular customer of mine if I continue on with that client as a customer- so I'm not worried about running into him on a regular basis.

The course is called "Change management". Ha! Now THAT's irony.