Things that bug me

I wake up every morning wondering if this will be the day I see *my* face staring back at me in the mirror. I realize that it's only been eight days since the surgery, but I'm still so swollen on the inside and outside of my mouth. I talk with a lisp because my tongue is displaced from all of the swelling inside of my mouth. What lesson is this about? Vanity? OK, I'll admit it. I'm vain about how I look.

While my face isn't horrific to look at, it's not MY face. I liked my face just as it was (well, coulda used a few less wrinkles and we won't even go there about the turkey neck). I'm not going to scare little children by being out in public, but I'm not able to even look people in the eye.

I went to the dog park with Einstein yesterday and I was unable to engage with people because I was so embarrassed. I was glad that dogs don't notice that sort of thing, and of course Einstein was just thrilled to have his mama take him to do the dog park after being gone a whole week. That made the embarrassment worth every minute.

I'm still in pain, but not like the first few days after surgery. I'm only taking one pain pill when I first wake up and then one before I go to bed. I can handle the pain the rest of the day because it's not much more than I was dealing with before surgery.

I'm already seeing an improvement in how much more my mouth opens. It hurts to do it, but before the surgery my mouth was frozen I couldn't open it more than about an inch even if I tried. I'm measuring by fingers and am now able to get two fingers plus a little between my teeth. It hurts to do it, but I can do it, and that's the point. So, this surgery was a success in that regard.

After this experience I'm not sure I want ANY more surgeries unless there was a guarantee that it will take away the pain. I'll just go to a pain management clinic and deal with it that way if this doesn't take care of the pain. Based on what the surgeon said, this surgery was the only one that was a guarantee to improve my life, in that I'd be able to open my mouth like a normal person.

I don't need any cosmetic procedures done because all of the damage is hidden thanks to a 'round' face. When I get older, the caved-in cheekbone and broken orbit area will probably be more obvious due to the natural process of aging. I hope by then that I'm less vain about how I look. Maybe I'll just wear really big funny purple hair so people look at that, instead of my face. Yeah- that's what I'll do.

Back to whining, because I'm sure that's why you read my blog.

The inside of my mouth is a nightmare. Have you ever bitten the inside of your cheek accidentally, and so after that you keep biting it because it's a little swollen? Take that times 10 <- not exaggerating! Plus I have all kinds of strings (stitches) hanging out which are just begging to be fiddled with. I can't close my teeth because the inside of my mouth is in the way.

OK, I think that about covers it in the whining department.

I see the surgeon again on Monday. He's so darned excited about the instant results after removing the tendon. I'm not kidding- he is like a giddy kid. I'm happy for him and am thankful that he was able to give me that gift.

Yay! I ended this post on a good note! I knew there was good in there somewhere if I kept writing long enough.

I’m definitely in my anger phase with the broken face. I’m angry at the original physician that told me that “some people are just fainters” and sent me on my way to two more head injuries. It was her associate that sent me to the cardiologist when I went after the face bonk feeling like ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

BJ had surgery yesterday and it took three hours instead of two, on top of an alarm I heard while in the cafeteria "code red- second floor surgery". I didn't know what code red was, but I knew that's where my husband was, so I threw my lunch in the garbage and raced to the second floor. Turns out that code red is for fire- and it was a false alarm. BJ is fine, by the way. Very sore, but fine.

Yesterday was a really bad fainty day for me and I'm sure it was due to stress and the coffee (not decaf!) I had. Twice, if I'm being honest. I kept starting to black out several times and had to quickly sit down so I didn’t bonk my head in the hospital. Last night at home was particularly bad. I was continually starting to black out so much that it took me about five minutes before I could get up off the floor without fainting. Poor BJ was freaking out that I was going to hit my head and there would be nothing he could do about it. He shouldn't have to deal with that in his condition.

Where am I going with this? I’m a little bit angry at the cardiologist for giving me a 6 month wait and see after being on less stress (not right now! Have I mentioned my deadlines?) and no caffeine (not yesterday!) instead of putting me on medication. My bad for the caffiene, but I can't eliminate stress.

I saw my neurologist on Monday (she’s every 90 days), I told her about the tachycardia diagnosis. She asked if he put me on medication and she raised her eyebrows and said, “does he realize you’ve had THREE head injuries in the past two years?” So, now I feel stupid about not reminding the cardiologist about the head injuries. Maybe that was buried down in the file and he didn’t remember. I should have mentioned it.

I’m angry at the first facial surgeon who didn’t do the right thing in the first place- giving me 7 months of daily pain. I’m angry at her for not doing follow up CT scans when I went back to her telling her that things didn’t feel right.

I’m angry at myself for having white coat syndrome and not confronting these doctors when something was telling me that I was right and they were wrong. I'm angry that I'm not even 50 years old (OK, I'm close- shaddup) and I have all these issues going on. My neurologist confirmed with me that yes, at the two year mark- I shouldn't expect any more improvement than I have now. She said that I've been lucky that the last two head bonks didn't cause more brain damage and told me that it's very dangerous for me to hit my head.

Ummm yeah. I know.

Believe me when I say that I know it could be worse. I'm not dying, although there are days that I don't particularly enjoy being alive. Yup, I said it. Nope, I'm not suicidal. Just tired of living with this. All of this. I'm sick of doctors and sick of being in pain. And angry. Did I mention angry? Wow, I'm fun.

Maybe I'm just having an off day because I'm overwhelmed with lots of stuff.

Tomorrow is the six month follow up bi-lateral MRI to make sure the suspicious lesions were innocuous. I'm sure you ladies will know of which I speak, so we'll leave it at that. That better damn-well turn out fine. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I'd better get back to work, which is what I'm trying to do while BJ sleeps. He's not a bad patient, bless his heart, but I am at his beck and call. (what does beck stand for, anyway?)

So, client number 2 has someone on their team very much like the Grinch. His attitude was evident from the start, but I did my best to ignore it because that's what I do with those kinds of people.

Anyhoo.... one of the messages Grinch 2 wanted me to incorporate into the course was the idea that change is good, embrace it and love it.

The course I created has lots of creative ways to keep a user engaged. For example, instead of the tired old multiple choice questions where you have a one in four chance of getting it right, my quizzes include things like wheel of fortune, fill in the blank, arrange things in sequence, etc.

Grinch 2's job was to be the content subject matter expert. Instead, he looked at my course and whined to the training director (cc'd me) that my quizzes weren't in multiple choice format. He wanted my quizzes to be multiple choice like all their other training pieces.

Dude! What about embrace change?

I nicely wrote back (cc'ing the training director), thanking him for his feedback and that I'd be more than happy to change the format if that's what the director of training wanted. And then I wrote,

While we’re circling back, I wanted to make sure that someone was looking at the actual content of the course. It was the attached Word document and needs SME review. I’m assuming [Grinch 2] is one of the SMEs.

The training director simply wrote back, "That would be correct. [Grinch 2] would be reviewing for content correctness as it related to the new policy.

Ha! Take THAT Grinch 2!

He's not going to be a regular customer of mine if I continue on with that client as a customer- so I'm not worried about running into him on a regular basis.

The course is called "Change management". Ha! Now THAT's irony.

Let's go in the way back machine to last November, shall we? Specifically 11/20/08, when I wrote about the oven repair guy. My oven had been out of commission for approximately three months before he was able to "fix" it. By fixing, I mean replacing every dadgum part of the stove, proclaiming it fixed, and walking away with almost 2,000.00

Since it wasn't fixed until after Christmas, I had no real use for the oven so never turned it on until May 15th of this year. I was going to bake some fish. Turns out that I should have not listened to repair guy number 1 when he said "these ovens take a long time to heat up. Trust me, it works."

It did work, long enough for me to show BJ that night. It heated up and everything. But on 5/15/09, it didn't work.

We were so fed up with repair guy number 1, that we called in a new company. Turns out that the relay board that guy number 1 replaced was shorted out because he forgot to ground it.

Hmmmm... why am I not surprised?

$897.00 later, the relay board is replaced. Repair guy number 2 proclaims it fixed after turning on the oven and we live happily ever after.

SCREEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..

Not so fast. The next morning I heard an alarm going off in my kitchen at about 5am. It had a code "F4". I hit cancel and went back to bed, not thinking much of it.

Yesterday, I decided to bake some spinach stuffed pork. I got the ol' "F4" code again and a dead oven.

Tell me, is it my destiny to never bake again? Seriously, we've spent almost 3k to fix a 5k oven.

And yes... I've called repair guy number 2. Their work is warrantied for 30 days. He'd better get out here toot sweet.

Whatchoo lookin' at?


I've been away for a while. I think I don't feel like writing when I'm down because I feel like such a whiner. Yes, I know I have a lot to whine about, but I also have a lot to be grateful for. I truly do believe that, even if I'm depressed.

I *know* in my heart that I wasn't let go because I was a bad employee. It still feels awful. I didn't think it would, but it does. I've received email from people I've worked with along the way that have written things like:

I still cannot believe any company that knew what it was doing would let you go. You were one the best processors I ever had, and other people I knew have said so many good things about you, I'm still amazed. I tried e-mailing you at work for the heck of it, and getting your out of office reply made it sink in that all these changes are real. It isn't [name of evil empire] without you.

I kind of need to hear stuff like that right now, ya know?

Anywhocares, on to this and that:

• Einstein continues to be adorable and smart. We 'think' he's potty trained, but still keep a close eye on him. He’s 9 weeks old and knows the following commands:
  
  Sit, Stay, Fetch, Lay Down, Look at me, Leave it (put a treat in front of him and make him wait until I say OK), and Don’t Bite (a very important one- my hands have become hamburger). Here's evidence of most of it.
  
  Sorry bro, potty talk- avert your eyes! Einstein has designated the herb garden as his potty ground of choice. The upside to this is that he smells herbal fresh after he does his business. The downside is that we won't ever use THOSE herbs for cooking. I never really did anyway. I was always in fear that the deer used it as a potty ground too.


• BJ and I went to a TOTALLY LAME job fair yesterday. Even lamer is that it was a 'together' thing. I never thought we'd ever go to a job fair together. We saw news cameras there and they panned past us. I'm really surprised they didn't focus on me. Sheesh. That could have been my big break, being a previous Little Miss America contender and all. I was having a GREAT hair day, I'll have to admit. I got several compliments from the folks I talked to at the fair. Too bad nobody was really hiring or interviewing people with great hair.
  
  The job fair consisted of people standing in their booth, not taking resumes, handing out their job openings on a sheet of paper (mostly sales, even Avon was there!) and telling everyone to go to their website to apply online.
  
  Why oh why did I dress for success? People were there in sweats and flip flops. I might as well have done that too. Nah- you'll never see me in public in sweat pants (well, except for the time I broke my face. I was so out of it, I didn't have time to do my hair or get dressed up to go to the ER.)
  
  I did coax some training vendor information from one of the health care organizations, because I also plan to add HIPAA to my list of training resources. It wasn't a total bust in that regard.
  
  BJ and I then drowned our sorrows at Dairy Queen. He got a burger and I got a shake. I don't think this no-chew diet is producing any weight loss because of my choices, but at least I'm a cheap date


• I canceled my cardiologist appointment because there's some confusion about our COBRA benefits. I'm sure it'll be worked out eventually, but I don't need the stress of wondering if several thousand dollars of tests won't be reimbursed, thankyouverymuch. I'm just going to have to wrap myself in bubblewrap and wear a helmet for the time being.


• BJ and I are getting on each others' nerves a little bit, which is completely understandable. We haven't upped the ante to poking each other in the eye yet, so I think we'll be OK. We've been tossing out snippy statements, but then apologizing about 10 minutes later. I think my constant need to pick things up and put them away is really nerve wracking to him, and his 'leave it to put away later" is nerve wracking to me. If that's our greatest marital issue during this horribly scary time, then I think our marriage is on safe ground. I hope with everything I have that this will be the time we look back on as the worst we've ever had, but survived it just fine. Please hope that for us too.

So that just about sums up my life these past few days. I am 'bout due for a good solid cry, so maybe I'll find a movie to help it along a little.