Reflection

Yeah, I know, I claim to be Risible Girl yet I act more like mushy-reflection girl. That's why this blog is called MOSTLY risible. While on the 'risible' topic, does everyone here know what risible means? There. Now you do.

It's that time of year, the time where people typically look back on their lives and reflect. Some make resolutions (yeah, we'll get to that maybe tomorrow), some don't. I wasn't going to write one of those reflective New Years Eve posts, but something hit me today like a ton of bricks.

I don't often buy People magazine, but I was at the store today shopping for the grazing festival that was to take place at our pad. It included boys, video games and football. Since my laptop has a fried motherboard, I despise football, and I don't like video golf, I thought I'd better find some sort of mind numbing activity to occupy my time. There it was. People, the best and worst of 2004. Perfect!

It was all fun and games until I got to the article, "Honoring the Fallen". It started, "Since the war in Iraq began, 1,293 U.S. soldiers have given their lives. Here, in the order of their passing, are the names of 832 brave men and women who died in the line of duty in the past year." And so went the list. The name and age of all of the fallen soldiers this year. Most of them just babies. Babies younger than my two sons.

Seeing that list sucked the breath right out of me. I turned the page. Two more pages full of names in tiny little letters. It was all so, so stark. I'm not sure if that is the proper word, but it was like a slap in the face. It brought me to tears to think about these boys, these babies; and to think about their families. Families who were spending the holidays without them.

I thought about my oldest son and his friends. They were all very angry after 9/11. Some were talking about joining the army. I have to be honest, that very idea scared the hell out of me. I am so thankful for the brave men and women who have served our country, and I am very proud to say that my brother is included in that honorable group. However, it devastated me to think of my son joining those ranks. My son didn't join. But some of his friends did. They went in knowing what they were up against. Those are very brave young men.

Then there were the boys who joined the reserves prior to 9/11. They joined so they could make a little extra money, or get help with college tuition, not even knowing what they were getting themselves in to. They were called to duty, and it scared them. It scared me. I can't imagine how it worried their families. I have to wonder how many of those boys on that long list of names fell into this category. It just makes me so, so very sad.

It all brings everything into perspective. I don't think that I'm necessarily someone that needs perspective, because I'm one of those polly-anna type of people who look around and count all of my blessings on nearly a daily basis. It hasn't always been like this, meaning there was a time that I didn't feel so lucky. I really wasn't very lucky and this enables me to look back over my life, how it was, and compare it to how life is now. It is very easy for me to see how blessed I am.

My boys are happy, healthy..... and alive. I am married to a wonderful man who is a partner in every way. I enjoy my job tremendously, and we both make enough money that we are never in need. I have wonderful friends and truly wonderful family; old and new.

This year I finally got a diagnosis for the liver problems that have been plaguing me since 1986. Believe it or not, I consider that a blessing as well. Because now I'm being monitored a lot closer, which means that I am more likely to receive a liver transplant in time. The whole thing is much less scary to me now.

So, even though it wasn't my plan to leave this year on a reflective note, I did.

While reflecting, I'm so happy for the new friends I've made through my new hobby; my blog. I've been enriched reading about your lives and thoughts. Oftentimes very thought provoking. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me.

I wish everyone a safe and healthy 2005, and for me, I am looking forward to getting my little buddy back. (that's my laptop... whimper...)

I generally talk to Sis at least once a day. Usually it's nothing very deep, just something funny that one or the other might have noticed and we know that we're the only ones that could possibly find it funny. Because we're like that, you know. Our 'men folk' roll their eyes at us. A lot.

We also pass along dumb email during the day that makes us laugh. Or, if we can't talk on the phone for whatever reason, we'll email back and forth. We exchange at least two email messages a day in addition to the phone calls. Yeah, we pretty much stalk each other.

Let's just say we're in constant communication.

The last time I heard from Sis was Christmas night. She regaled me with stories of how our mother once again made everyone miserable for the holidays. Good times.

Yesterday I was pretty much in a day-after-Christmas coma and didn't really notice that we hadn't talked or exchanged email. No big deal, there have been a few times in our lives that we've gone more than a day. Not often, but it's happened.

Today I rang her cellphone at the decent hour of 10:30 a.m. and sang a song to her voicemail in my best opera-cowardly-lion voice. I also asked her a question. That is a guarantee that I'll get a call back immediately, unless she's at the movie or something. Nada. No call.

I forwarded a couple of funny emails. No reply.

I called again at 2:30 p.m. and noted that just like the time I called at 10:30, her phone went immediately to voicemail. Since she doesn't have a land line, her phone is NEVER off. Not even when she's at work (which she's not, by the way. She's off work this week.)

Of course this leads me to believe that Sis is either tied up with duct tape and being held hostage, or she's laying in a ditch somewhere. I have now given myself a whopping headache from grinding my teeth together due to worrying all day.

So, what I want to know is, why is it that I do this to myself? It's probably nothing. Although unlikely that she'd go without telling me, maybe she went to see her sig other's kids with him and her cellphone doesn't have reception or something. Yeah, that's the story that I'm going to try to stick to.

Because if something did ever happen to my sister, I'd be lost. Seriously lost.

If you're looking for humor, you might want to try back tomorrow. If you're looking for reflection or tips on how NOT to parent your kids, you've stopped in the right place.

Like most people, I find my family dynamics to be very interesting. I recently shared some info with hubby that surprised him, but it also allowed him to put together some puzzle pieces. He had several "aha!" moments that night. I have lots of "aha!" moments and lots of theories about why people act the way they do in my family.

Several people in my life know that I have issues with my mother. They also know that I attribute a lot of my good qualities to her. Not because she modeled these good qualities; it's that I was so turned off by her bad behavior that I did a complete 180.

I'm starting to realize that perhaps I should have just done a 90 degree turn; at least when it comes to the way I raised my kids. Because I never felt a safety net beneath me, I became too much of one. Because I was disciplined so harshly, I became too soft in the discipline department. Because I was made to feel that everything I needed was an imposition, I gave too freely.

I was a single parent, their only parent really, for 13 years and had plenty of time to devote to running my kids lives. I became their alarm clock, their financial adviser, their bank, and pretty much anything else they 'needed'. I didn't really give them much of an opportunity to solve problems on their own. It wasn't that I forced my opinion on them, I just never pushed them off the pier to teach them to swim, so to speak. If they had a problem, they came to me and I solved it for them.

I moved out of my house and in with hubby in 2003, when my boys were 20 and 22. Until then, I saw my boys pretty much every day even after they'd recently moved out on their own. I still cooked for them, and still solved their problems.

BJ's house was over an hour away, so now the boys were even more on their own. Son #2 was the least affected by this. He's always been fairly resourceful and relied on me very little. Son #1 relied on me more heavily- too heavily. Once hubby and I started co-mingling funds, I knew that I had to stop handing money over all the time. Needless to say, the boys were not prepared with 'swimming' lessons and so they started to fail miserably. It was very hard to watch and I've lived with a lot of guilt over pulling the rug out from under them.

I learned to 'swim' at the ripe age of 17. I was on my own financially and never looked back. I even got married and had two kids by the time I was my youngest son's age (something I'd never recommend to anyone, by the way.) So I have a really hard time relating to all of this, all the while knowing that I've created the situation.

They're learning to swim now because thankfully they're both smart. They're still not quite prepared for REAL life and the oldest son still tries to use me as a safety net more than he should. I've learned to push back because I know that he'll never be on his own until I cut those ties completely. I'm looking forward to the day when I can have a phone call from him that doesn't end with, "oh yeah, I hate to ask but.."

So, where does it all end? I wonder what kind of parents my kids will be. Will it flip-flop the opposite direction again? Will their sense of entitlement cause them to be selfish with their kid, or did they like the way I parented and become similar parents. Even better, maybe they will do a 90 degree change and just be normal parents....

...is there such a thing as 'normal' parenting?

ASB made me do it, otherwise she says I'd die a horrible painful death. I'd prefer to die a tragic death, thank you very much, so I'll take the quiz.

Three names you go by: Snoop Lori D. ReeRee RisibleGirl

Three screennames you have: RisibleGirlGadgetGeekCheekyGirl

Three things you like about yourself: I always manage to see the funny side of thingsI'm kindI'm forgiving

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself: I'm neurotic about clutter (I can't stand it) I avoid confrontation, and really shouldn't I'm a procastinator

Three parts of your heritage: German Irish Scottish

Three things that scare you: Losing my childrenLosing hubby Losing my sister

Three of your everyday essentials: BJ's lips My computerCheese

Three things you are wearing right now: Hoodie sweatshirtSweatpantsSocks

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment): Aerosmith Beethoven (Yeah, he's an artist- get over it)Don Henley

Three of your favorite songs at present: "Live like you were dying" by Tim McGrawThe entire third symphony (Eroica) by Beethoven "My Thanksgiving" by Don Henley (read the words...)

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months: Exercising at least five days a weekScanning all of my old pictures and creating an online photo albumMaking a complete meal out of fondue

Three things you want in a relationship (love is a given): Trust Respect Friendship

Two truths and a lie: I have a life threatening disease I used to be a lounge singerI love football

Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you: Facial hair Eyes Lips

Three things you just can't do: Confront peopleGo to bed with dishes in the sinkGo out in public without makeup

Three of your favorite hobbies: Playing on the computer Board gamesRoad trips

Three things you want to do really badly right now: Cuddle with hubby (he's 926 miles away right now)Eat nacho'sGo to bed

Three careers you're considering: TeachingConsultingContinuing my current career (because I *heart* it so much)

Three places you want to go on vacation: Scotland Ireland New Orleans

Three kids names: Caitlin Aubrey Madison

Three things you want to do before you die: Make peace with the relationship I have with my motherBe a size 8 and stick with it. Live happily ever after with hubby

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully: Iki Jay-B Frozen Mojo

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world. You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment. Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

People who have unconscious minds driven by peace tend to be independent thinkers who often prefer to live by their own high personal standards and moral code. Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.