Reflection

I called my "new" grandmother today. I just can't get over how natural our relationship seems.

I've never really had a grandmother because my maternal grandmother came down with alzheimers and then died when I was very young. I don't have very many memories of her because we didn't see her very often before she died. My brother's grandmother (ha! go try to figure that one out) was taken out of my life when I was about 8. I loved my brother's grandmother very much but I've missed having a grandmother of my own.

Now I have my very own grandmother at the ripe old age of 45. And she's just as excited about me as I am about her.

Sigh.

It's all coming together for me now. I'm happily married to the most wonderful man on the planet (yes, I really believe that) who comes packaged with a wonderful mother, I have a dream job, we're building my dream house, I met my wonderful 'new' family, and I have my wonderful core family (my sister, my boys, and my brother-Michael).

I know it sounds like I'm bragging, but I'm not. It's all just so unbelievable to me. I must have done something right to deserve all of this, ya know?

Today I feel very blessed.

If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Joan Rivers


My Inner Outings deck has been calling to me the past two weeks, and I've been ignoring it. Doesn't it know I'm busy?

This evening I could resist the pull no longer. Considering what has gone on lately, I chuckled when I pulled the doorways card. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I do not allow doors to hinder me. I never have.

The recent success I've had with finally finding my b-father's family is a clear indication of this side of my personality. I'm 45 years old and have been looking since I was in my 20's. If I ran into a dead-end, I'd go another direction. It never occurs to me to stop going for what I want, no matter how many closed doors are in my path.

I look at the many twists and turns my career has taken over the past 20 years and am sometimes astonished. If you look at my educational background, I really shouldn't be where I'm at today. Thankfully, closed doors have been all but invisible to me.

Clearly I do not have issues with closed doors, as long as I'm not the one that closed that door.

Walking out the door is something entirely different if it means that I cannot walk back through that door ever again, especially if it's my choice. This side of my personality presents itself in my work and personal life.

I'm imagining a scenario in my head; that of walking through a door and before shutting it asking myself, what if I want to go back in that door? I need to be certain that this is what I want before I walk out that door because in my mind, once that door is shut; it's shut for good.

It's not about forgiveness, because I easily forgive. It's about protection and respecting myself. I know that it takes a lot to get me to the point of figuratively walking out that door, therefore I know that it's in my best interest to not look back.

Interestingly enough, the first part of the exercise was to visualize a door and what you'd find if you walked through it. I imagined myself being inside and opening the door to a courtyard with lush beautiful flowers and greenery, looking something like this:



This is an image that I need to remember the next time I have difficulty walking out and shutting the door.

A couple of weeks ago a previous colleague, who is also a friend, emailed me about a job opportunity in her area. In this email, she wrote that her manager was describing a new position in their organization and wondered if she might know anyone that would be a good fit. She wrote that she immediately thought of me and told her manager that I'd be perfect for the job.

The old me would have replied, "tell me more!" without even thinking about it.

I was extremely flattered, but I wasn't even remotely interested. I absolutely love what I do, so why even tempt myself with the unknown? I wrote back to her, thanking her for thinking of me, and added that I wasn't even tempted because I love my job. We then set up lunch plans for today because it's been a while since we've been able to get together.

Today, during lunch, I asked her if she was surprised at my response. She said that she was, and added that she was even more surprised that I didn't even ask about the job. Then she shared with me what I'd of learned if I showed interest:

1. It would have involved a promotion and pay raise
2. It would have basically included what I do now PLUS I'd be able to some public speaking. I love public speaking so much that I'm hoping to do this for a living after I 'retire'.
3. I would have been able to continue telecommuting at least three days a week.
4. I still wouldn't have to manage a staff of employees (I gave that up two years ago and have never looked back.)

Did I make the right decision in not inquiring further? I still believe that I did.

My decision was based on the fact that I feel truly happy and fulfilled in my current job. If I am able to keep this job until I retire in 10 years, I'd be thrilled. I'm happy with my salary and I really like my manager. I also adore my clients. How many times do people hear "I really and truly love you" (heard today!) or "You are my favorite person in this company" from their clients? I get to hear that sort of thing regularly. And I feel the same way about them. That's why I take such good care of them.

The only thing that causes me any strife in my job is the snake. But, I can deal with that. He behaves himself, for the most part, after I smack him down a bit.

I'm reading a book right now, The Unmistakable Touch of Grace (Cheryl Richardson). I highly recommend it. This book speaks volumes about my beliefs and I think that reading it has really reinforced my belief that there is a reason for everything. I believe my gut instinct of "I'm just not interested" had a purpose. I'm not exactly sure of that purpose right now, but I know that eventually I'll understand.

The bottom line is that I'm really glad that I have faith in myself and faith in my decisions. I've been blessed in my life with the gift of discernment and I've never gone down the wrong path when I've listened.

The important part of that sentence? 'when I've listened'

I'm listening.

Masks are what they seem to be; not so the faces beheath them.
Mason Cooley

Time for an Inner Outings card again.

Tonight I pulled, "The Masks I Wear". Ugh. I'm fully aware of this facet of my personality. Just like an old pair of socks, I'm comfortable in my masks.

I wear masks as a protection. I always have. The ability to wear masks has saved me on more than one occasion.

In elementary school, I was perfect. I was perfectly groomed and had perfect manners. Wind me up and watch me dance. Would you like me to play the piano for you? I shall do it with perfection. Would you like me to sing for you? I shall never miss a word or sing off key. Watch me, I won't disappoint you and I will love every minute of performing for you.

In high school, my mask was that of a clown. I was a prankster and would do anything to make someone laugh. Inside, I was not laughing. My diary writings are almost tortuous to read.

In my twenties, I wore a shield of armor. If I appear strong and mean, nobody will mess with me right? For the most part that was true. However, the people who challenged me saw me crumble like blue cheese. Once I revealed my weakness, I avoided.

Before becoming the person I am today, I believe I went through a period of adolescence. It was a period of trying out personalities, if you will, until I found one that fit. In my 30's I tried on lots of masks. I've always been very much an individualist, but in my 30's I was an INDIVIDUALIST! I did lots of things for shock value, and it worked. Believe me, it was hard to do things for shock value, yet keep my strong morals in tact. I was able to do both because it was important to me.

I was going to say that I've come a long way in removing those masks and am at the point where what you see is what you get. But as I write this, it's occurred to me that those masks were simply trial personalities. Personalities that I lived 100%. I've incorporated each of those masks into my life now, and so it is true that what you see is what you get. I'm still a perfectionist, still like to make people laugh and I'm still very much an individualist. I'm all of those things, just not to such a degree, and none of it is pretend anymore. I am authentic.

Still, I often check my actions. I often ask myself if I'm being authentic because I've worn masks for so long that I'm not always sure of who I am. Of this, I'm sure: I'm a kind and empathetic person. Underneath all of those masks I've always held strong to those two things. I believe this to be my core being, and is something I'm proud of.

If I'm unsure of myself, I simply shut down. Question me and you'll receive yes and no answers and nothing more. I've worked hard to not pretend to be something I'm not, so when unsure I'm quiet.

I suppose this is why I like to write. It allows me the time to think, rather than react. You'll see no masks here.

This doesn't mean that I'm 100% forthcoming with everything. Just because I'm not wearing a mask does not mean I don't have something that I'm hiding behind my back. I do have secrets. Secrets that I have shared with very few people.

It's funny, the people who I love the most know the very least about those secrets. I do this to protect them because I do not want their minds burdened with the things I know; the things I've lived.

I guess you could consider that a mask. If so, it shall have to be a mask that I may never remove because I am not ready to be exposed to that degree. Maybe I will some day, but not yet.

Ya gotta love a doctor who posts this on his wall....

Good stuff from Cherie Carter-Scott's book 'If Life Is A Game, These Are The Rules'.

Rule One - You will receive a body. Whether you love it or hate it, it's yours for life, so accept it. What counts is what's inside.

Rule Two - You will be presented with lessons. Life is a constant learning experience, which every day provides opportunities for you to learn more. These lessons specific to you, and learning them 'is the key to discovering and fulfilling the meaning and relevance of your own life'.

Rule Three - There are no mistakes, only lessons. Your development towards wisdom is a process of experimentation, trial and error, so it's inevitable things will not always go to plan or turn out how you'd want. Compassion is the remedy for harsh judgment - of ourselves and others. Forgiveness is not only divine - it's also 'the act of erasing an emotional debt'. Behaving ethically, with integrity, and with humor - especially the ability to laugh at yourself and your own mishaps - are central to the perspective that 'mistakes' are simply lessons we must learn.

Rule Four - The lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons repeat until learned. What manifest as problems and challenges, irritations and frustrations are more lessons - they will repeat until you see them as such and learn from them. Your own awareness and your ability to change are requisites of executing this rule. Also fundamental is the acceptance that you are not a victim of fate or circumstance - 'causality' must be acknowledged; that is to say: things happen to you because of how you are and what you do. To blame anyone or anything else for your misfortunes is an escape and a denial; you yourself are responsible for you, and what happens to you. Patience is required - change doesn't happen overnight, so give change time to happen.

Rule Five - Learning does not end. While you are alive there are always lessons to be learned. Surrender to the 'rhythm of life', don't struggle against it. Commit to the process of constant learning and change - be humble enough to always acknowledge your own weaknesses, and be flexible enough to adapt from what you may be accustomed to, because rigidity will deny you the freedom of new possibilities.

Rule Six - "There" is no better than "here". The other side of the hill may be greener than your own, but being there is not the key to endless happiness. Be grateful for and enjoy what you have, and where you are on your journey. Appreciate the abundance of what's good in your life, rather than measure and amass things that do not actually lead to happiness. Living in the present helps you attain peace.

Rule Seven - Others are only mirrors of you. You love or hate something about another person according to what love or hate about yourself. Be tolerant; accept others as they are, and strive for clarity of self-awareness; strive to truly understand and have an objective perception of your own self, your thoughts and feelings. Negative experiences are opportunities to heal the wounds that you carry. Support others, and by doing so you support yourself. Where you are unable to support others it is a sign that you are not adequately attending to your own needs.

Rule Eight - What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. Take responsibility for yourself. Learn to let go when you cannot change things. Don't get angry about things - bitter memories clutter your mind. Courage resides in all of us - use it when you need to do what's right for you. We all possess a strong natural power and adventurous spirit, which you should draw on to embrace what lies ahead.

Rule Nine - Your answers lie inside of you. Trust your instincts and your innermost feelings, whether you hear them as a little voice or a flash of inspiration. Listen to feelings as well as sounds. Look, listen, and trust. Draw on your natural inspiration.

Rule Ten - You will forget all this at birth. We are all born with all of these capabilities - our early experiences lead us into a physical world, away from our spiritual selves, so that we become doubtful, cynical and lacking belief and confidence. The ten Rules are not commandments, they are universal truths that apply to us all. When you lose your way, call upon them. Have faith in the strength of your spirit. Aspire to be wise - wisdom the ultimate path of your life, and it knows no limits other than those you impose on yourself.

I may have forgotten this at birth, but it's slowly coming back to me.