Reflection

I really need to get out of this spiral of yucky posts, because really- I think my life is really going GREAT. I just have had some physical bumps.

I'm STILL having fabulous brain days. How long has that been now, three weeks or more? This excites me more than you could possibly imagine. I'm even starting to feel like I have my game back at work. I'm back to being assertive and pushing for what I want and need. I'm able to see my ideas through without stammering. I'm able to look intimidating people in the eye and show them that I mean business.

I am SO very happy. I really am.

In spite of the two brain bops, I've gone beyond people's expectations at work. That excites me and makes me even more eager to continue being that "A+" employee that I've been in the past.

My company has awards that employees can send to other employees. In a matter of one week, I received three- one of which was from a senior level executive. I have to share because this is proof that I really am back. I truly believed I'd never be at this place again. Yes that's me- Pollyanna, admitting that I was seeing a glass half empty. I thought I was going to be stuck in sub-par and I was truly in despair.

Geez, I'm tearing up as I write this. I've needed to hear these things since June, when I first hit my head. I never thought I'd hear anything like this again.

Subject: Thank you Lori for being a true hero!
Lori,

I am so thankful to have you as such a strong, flexible, and friendly partner! I know the ERT review was dropped as an unexpected bomb on you this AM but you responded with speed, expertise, & grace.

This is all new to us (the review process is less than 12 hours old!) and we're learning through it. I know it's tough & not fun, but you persevere with a "can do" attitude and a smile in your voice (since I can't actually see you!). I'll continue to help as much as I can, but you're really the one making it happen!

THANK YOU for being patient and being a terrific partner doing what's right for your course and for the entire enterprise.

Lori, you're the best.

Subject: You ROCK!
Thank you Lori for your help and patience in helping create an enterprise approach and standard for required training courses. With multiple stakeholders and many people trying to tell you how to do things, you remain dynamic and driven and see it through.

I appreciate your expertise and contributions.

Subject: Lovefest 2008! Congrats on a milestone!

We're not out of the woods yet, but this is an excellent opportunity to celebrate a HUGE milestone and recognize Lori's contributions not only to the Info Security course but to all Enterprise Required Training (ERT). Being in first place is never easy, and Lori held tight during this wild ride of launching ERT for 08. Every time we asked her to pause, stop, answer, or redirect, Lori responded with professionalism, grace, and a SMILE! Resiliency defined!

I can't express how fortunate we are to have Lori as one of our front runners. Through her expertise and partnership, Info Security will be a great success. And all [company name] will benefit from the path she's blazed. THANK YOU!

Thank you. Thank you each and every one of you for holding me up while I was so low. I know without a doubt that your prayers, thoughts, and unending love are what brought me back.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I will *never* take my brain for granted ever again. And as vain as this may sound- I now realize how blessed I've been all of these years with the abilities I've been given. Without these abilities, I would never be where I'm at.

...where I'm at is a mighty fine place.

I mean it when I say that I truly love the friends I've made in my little cyberworld. I wish I could hug each and every one of you in person.

Thank you for helping me return to being me.

Here's where I'm going to get a little introspective, if you don't mind. These thoughts all started with something someone with post concussion syndrome wrote to me. It was like someone hit me over the head with a frying pan- it hit me THAT hard. (ha, I need to watch my analogies....)

She wrote:

I just felt it was really important to let you know - good grief - what!!! The feelings are there, but I can't get the words! Anyway - very quickly as I am at work - my biggest problems have been from pushing myself - soldiering on etc and not making allowances for the on going symptoms. I carried on so much that I literally fell over. The psychologist that I am seeing now says that with my personality type - and you sound like me - has the worst problems with dealing with PCS. Like "I will keep going until I finish this, I'm lazy if I have a rest, I don't like asking for help because I used to be able to do it and all the rest of that kind of "stuff" "

I think that how you cope with this at the beginning has a huge effect on the end result. At least you know early that it is PCS and can go easy on yourself - I won't want you being like I am now 6 years on. I also don't want to scare you, but please please don't push yourself - be kind to yourself and I do know that it is like the reverse of all our ingrained habits!!

I wrote back to her telling her that she hit the nail on the head. I am exactly like that and more. I wrote that I am an overachiever, take pride in how much I'm able to accomplish, and am always being told to slow down. I have to admit that I've always taken my ability to do anything placed before me for granted.

I told her that now I feel like wearing a sign, "I *USED* to be smart" or "I *USED* to be able to talk in front of large crowds without a worry"... "I *USED* to have tons of energy."

She then wrote:

I WAS a perfectionist, workaholic who was picky, critical, inpatient, always looked immaculate, had the perfect house, husband, son and daughter,and golden retriever and was and still am (on my good days and when I am not tired) reasonably/very intelligent. I could try anything and be able to do it and do it very well and easily. !!!! I have now come to realize what I had and what I have lost. (the husband is included in what I have lost). I am always saying I used to be able to do this - that whatever - work 8 hours, have 20 people for barbeque, play interclub tennis, sew fantastic clothes - on and on. I now can work 3 hour days, have 2 people for a barbeque, don't sew - sewing is stressful in fact any surprises are stressful - impromptu does not exist any more for me. As a result I think I could be a nicer person - I am now far more tolerant, but do get annoyed with people who have got all day to do something and make so little effort. I have found out who my true friends are - they don't care if I can't go out, have a sleep during the day or have an untidy house (I hate having an untidy house but then it only seems to bother me). Have to go, haven't checked this for spelling grammar whatever so excuse me! Oh - my psychologist said that on my grave stone it would have "she always coped" - that because I have not yet been able to sit down and cry and won't ask for help!

Do you see why I'm starting to realize that this is THAT lesson? You know the one that I keep writing in my blog that I need to learn to quit pushing myself so hard. The one where my family tells me to not kill myself at work; the one where my friends (that includes you all) tell me to be kind to myself. The one where my own bosses tell me to quit working so hard?

Y'all know that list of rules that I've published here a time or two. Read it again if you have the time. Especially rules four and five:

Rule Four - The lesson is repeated until learned. Lessons repeat until learned. What manifest as problems and challenges, irritations and frustrations are more lessons - they will repeat until you see them as such and learn from them. Your own awareness and your ability to change are requisites of executing this rule. Also fundamental is the acceptance that you are not a victim of fate or circumstance - 'causality' must be acknowledged; that is to say: things happen to you because of how you are and what you do. To blame anyone or anything else for your misfortunes is an escape and a denial; you yourself are responsible for you, and what happens to you. Patience is required - change doesn't happen overnight, so give change time to happen.

Rule Five - Learning does not end. While you are alive there are always lessons to be learned. Surrender to the 'rhythm of life', don't struggle against it. Commit to the process of constant learning and change - be humble enough to always acknowledge your own weaknesses, and be flexible enough to adapt from what you may be accustomed to, because rigidity will deny you the freedom of new possibilities.

The humorist in me thinks this whole thing is rather ironic. "What will it take to learn this lesson? Do you have to be hit over the head?"

I hope, hope, hope that I can put myself in that mindspace to be kind to myself and give myself permission to be human. I can't imagine (knock wood) that I'd need a bigger lesson than this. Maybe I should hang this post on my bathroom mirror where I can look at it every day. Maybe I can change. I will try.

Baby steps....

Not a night goes by since bonking my head, that I don't have several vivid dreams. Usually one of them is a nightmare and the rest are just a big ol' crazy circus. I usually remember three to five of those dreams verbatim.

Is it any wonder I'm so tired?

Pipe in dreamy harp-like music, and enter RG's subconscious...

My ex-manager came to my house and told me that I was laid off. I told her that she had no authority to lay me off because A: she wasn't my manager anymore and B: she no longer worked for the company. It was then, that she told me that she really DID work for the company still and it was under wraps. She said that the department I'd left was told that they had to do budget cuts and she was retroactively laying me off.



She then took my company laptop and left my house.

In this dream/nightmare, it was a Sunday night and I didn't have my current manager's phone number, so I had to stew about it until the next morning. While stewing, I thought "hmmm.... I would get 8 months severance pay if I didn't fight this" (true story- I've worked for the company so long that I'd receive 8 months...).

But nooooooooooooooooooo..... I wanted to work. Who cares about an 8 month vacation? I was more worried about my reputation and how it would look to everyone in the company that I, the irreplaceable RG, was laid off.

I called my current manager the next day and just as she was about to tell me whether [x-manager] could really do this, a windstorm started up and made a lot of noise waking me up.

/end dreamy harp-like music and leaving RG's subconscious now.

I know exactly where this dream came from. Everyone say it with me- THANKS DAD!

I'm pretty sure that this nightmare was brought on by something my dad wrote to me yesterday:

Subject: Words of Wisdom 2
Hi Lori,

Here's comes a repeat of my once before words of wisdom.

You need to take time off and enjoy life. Enjoy your yard and birds and other critters. [name of my company] will go on without you. You have friends and family who love you and want you well and that is infinitely more important that any work assignment.

Love,
Dad

Of course he's right (well, in this case anyway- he's not right in his political leanings.. ha ha ha). I replied that I just wasn't sure how I could do that- take it easy- in this job market. I also told him that I am keeping my eye on the prize... retirement on 01/31/2015.

I think this dream/nightmare said a whole lot about my mind set. Rather than gracefully accept 8 months of full pay and say goodbye to the rat race for a while- I wanted to fight it so I could keep working.

This girl needs an attitude adjustment.

PS- I have a paid holiday today! woo hoo! Maybe this time I'll get caught up on all my pals' blogs.

Funny, but your comments in my last post directly relate to what I'd planned on posting today.

Well, not the part of me being a bitchin' gal, but I'll take it! ha ha.

Annie, I like what you wrote about your husband's attitude. You're completely right- it *is* all about being grateful. This is exactly why I am Pollyanna. I'm simply grateful for everything that I have, and even though I whine here sometimes- not a day goes by that I don't feel sincere gratitude for something.

Usually, it's gratitude for being married to the bearded eye-roller. Boy, am I grateful that we are in each others' lives. I kid you not- we tell each other every.single.night on that back porch how nice it is being married. I suppose that could get sickening to listen to if you're not us- but it sure is nice for me to say it AND hear it.

I was writing a communication for the top dog today and thinking about how lucky I am. I absolutely love to write and I love to research, and this job allows me to do both things. While thinking about my luck, I kind of went down memory lane of what brought me to this place in my career. A place where I get to do something I love, get paid well to do it AND (bonus points) get to telecommute three days a week.

Wanna know my secret? It's because, as Anonymous G wrote in the comments, I'm tenacious. Even more, I'm not afraid to go after what I want. It's as simple as that.

It just never occurs to me that I can't do something if I set my mind to it. Add that to being a 'spin doctor' and you have someone who can sell herself to any future employer.

You need someone to do "x"? Yup. I can do that. (scramble... scramble... scramble.... what the heck did I just agree to?)

I think that most people I work with would be very surprised to know my educational background. Most people assume (trust me, I don't correct them!) that I have a good college education in the field du jour (computer technology? communications? journalism?). Nope. My education has all been from the school of life. While everyone else was going to college, I was having babies and waitressing.

Sometimes I look at where I'm at and can't believe my good fortune. Then there are other times that I really think about it and have to acknowledge that I didn't get here magically. I saw something I wanted, and then I made sure that it happened by doing a LOT of research. I'm just lucky that I was born with a very curious nature.

Sure, I've put myself in positions where I was clearly over my head, but I plugged along anyway because I'm not a quitter. Each time I win these battles, I have more ammunition to keep plugging away the next time it happens.

I hope this post doesn't come across as bragging. It's truly not my intent. I guess my point is that I'm grateful for the tools I have been given that brought me to this place in life. I see so many people who weren't blessed with the self-confidence to go after what they want. It makes me want to sit down with them and show them that if I can do it, they can to. And then? You'd better be grateful for it. It means nothing if you don't appreciate it.

Maybe I ought to take my show on the road. I'll call it "You too, can be a Pollyanna." ::snort::

My sweet friend, Dream Living, put me back on the right planet. I'm not going to share her story with you, unless she gives me permission, but her comment about what I'm enduring?

Nope- I'm enduring nothing compared to what she's been through.

I also had an experience last night on the train that I've been meaning to write about. I hate it when I get whiny. I want to smack myself around. Especially when I see that *I* am the one who puts myself in these situations.

Anyhoo....

After work, I walked to the train with someone who works at the same company. We were having a conversation about losing weight, just normal stuff, and she 'slipped' in there that she lost her 23 year old daughter last year, and losing weight was just not a priority for her over the past few months.

Knowing that it's OK to talk about this stuff..

Side note: Lots of people are afraid to continue a conversation like this, but I know how IMPORTANT it is to give someone the opportunity to talk about it...

I asked her, "Do you mind if I ask how she died?"

Sudden cardiac arrest in her sleep. Her daughter lived all the way across the country.

Wow, huh? I can't begin to imagine....

We continued to talk about her daughter for the next hour. The connection we had was just incredible and I could see that she loved the opportunity to just say everything she was feeling.

Sure, she teared up a few times, but that's OK. I know that this was a good thing for her, and it was a true honor that she felt that she could share with me on this level.

After our conversation, I got to thinking that I'd like to start a support group at my company. I'd also like to do some workshops for managers on how to treat employees who have a death of a loved one. Sensitivity training, if you will. It's amazing the experiences that people have at work.

Not in a good way.....

After I get through the next month, I'm going to approach our H.R. department and see if I can start something up. Maybe a once a week lunchtime drop-in group- come if you want, don't come if you're not up for it. I'd also like to start a SECURED site at work, where people can share their experiences and feelings. I'd also like to be someone that is available for staff meetings when a department has a loss. I think a lot of people just don't know what to say, so they avoid. If they have someone there to help them with what to say (even if it's "I don't know what the right words are, but I'm sorry"), it would be awfully beneficial.

It was a MAJOR gut feeling for me- something I know that I have to act on.

Really, I do know that in the grand scheme of things- what I'm experiencing at work is NOTHING. Sometimes I just get caught up in the stress and have a hard time letting go of it until I write it all out. (thanks for listening, by the way).

I have always felt that being a 'listener' has been my calling, if you will. I've been told too many times that I have a comforting presence, to ignore this.

I've slacked on my volunteer work at Hospice because I've felt guilty spending time away from work and/or my home responsibilities. I think this is a way to do both.

Thanks, sweet friend, for bringing me back to earth.