Reflection

I know I owe more Vegas stories, and they're coming, I promise!

As previously mentioned, I'm smack in the middle of Hospice training (for the fourth time, I might add.) It's been emotionally draining, to say the least. This is not to say that I'm not glad that I'm there. I had the choice to do the training again and reminded myself that I've always gotten a lot out of training each time. So far, I'm glad that I opted in.

It's nice to be back to this particular Hospice organization. It feels like home, and the staff have all been so happy to see me again; affirming to me how I truly am meant for this work. Sure, they could be just telling me nice things, but they're telling all the participants of the training about the work I've done for them. It feels good and it feels right.

Today was the exercise that is always so emotional for me. I'm too lazy to track down the post from 2004 (wow, I've been writing her a long time!), but... oh forget it. Hold on, I'll find it.....

OK, here it is.

Anyway, it's interesting to me how my choices have changed each time I've done this exercise. Typically, all of my possessions are the first to go, but I held on to our home up until the point where it came to the relationships. I've known how this exercise goes each time, but sitting in a chapel, watching other people give up their possessions, knowing that patients really ARE giving up everything- all of it is just like doing it the first time. I make an effort to be truly present when doing Hospice-related things and this exercise was no different.

It was hard for me to not think of my cousin during this exercise. We are supposed to put ourselves in the story, but I kept shifting back and forth between the two of us. The story being told was so close to her story and though I was fully aware of the things she had to give up when her journey was coming to an end, I became even more keenly aware of her loss. Independence, the ability to provide, the ability to be the mother she once was.. all the things that would devastate me to let go of.

In the end, I came back to me and thought about the relationships in my life. Just as in previous times, we were asked to visualize what it would look like after we die. Who would be there when we took our last breath. The scene in my head surprised me, to be honest. I'm going to keep that private, except to the person who was with me. I'm still trying to rationalize it in my head, quite frankly (NO! It wasn't Donny Osmond!)

I'm looking forward to what tomorrow brings (eeep, I'd best get to bed because we start bright and early, one hour away from home...). I'm also looking forward to my first assignment. That'll be Tuesday morning at 10am.

I suspect I'm going to have some interesting dreams tonight.

My friend Erika posted this on her Facebook:

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. ♥ So love the people who treat you right. ♥ Pray for those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

I posted it, but changed it. I am not someone that believes everything happens for a reason. Instead, I wrote:

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. ♥ So love the people who treat you right. ♥ Pray for those who don't. Believe everything provides you with a learning experience if you pay attention.If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

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I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions, because I'm already quite goal oriented. My goals are sometimes related to getting something done by "x" date, or sometimes really general like eat healthier. I like the general goals because shoot, eating one less M&M is eating healthier, right?

I'd like to lose a pant size by the time we go to Vegas in four weeks, and the next goal would be to keep it off. My body really seems to like the size I'm in right now. I don't. I want to get back into the single digits. It's a 'soft' goal because I really don't look too bad at this weight. I'd just like to look better.

I'd like to not be so much of a procrastinator. But I also realize that I am really good under pressure, so procrastination isn't detrimental to me. Every time I've procrastinated something and then go skidding into the deadline, I tell myself that this will be the last time I procrastinate. Ha- I've been doing that since high school. I don't see that changing anytime soon!

I wouldn't call this a resolution, per se, but it's been something I've been thinking about for the past few weeks. I'd like to start volunteering for Hospice again. I miss it. I miss the person that I am when I'm volunteering. I've been reading through my "Hospice" category and it confirms my thoughts about why I want to go back.

I had to quit because I was unable to cope with any amount of stress after the first head injury. I also fell into a funk, truth be told. I can't be of any help to someone else if I wasn't able to help myself, and when it got to the point where I dreaded it, I knew it was time to put it on the back burner for a while.

I'm ready to start making a difference again, and I'm ready to be the best 'me' I can be. I've been saying to friends and family that 2010 is going to be a great year and I feel that this is a good start.

I'm going to make some calls tomorrow and see about volunteering once a week making phone calls or helping to facilitate groups.

This not writing in my blog much thing is getting out of control! Especially when I don't post on Thanksgiving!

I didn't even call anyone on Thanksgiving. I hope I get a hall pass though, because The Hubs was sick and we laid very low this year.

It's not too late to write about the things I'm thankful for. In fact, I'm trying to do that every day on my GratitudeLog.

What a year this has been, eh? A wild ride, for sure.

The year started out pretty bleak. I knew I was getting laid off, I'd just broken several bones in my face just a couple of days prior and The Hubs lost his job. All in that order.

But that layoff turned into a wonderful new career, working for myself and The Hubs working for himself too. Sure, I've had a few moments of "what if this doesn't last?", but those moments are fleeting because of the nice nest egg we have in our savings thanks to the severance pay. I don't seem to have a problem getting new projects and clients, and I've not once marketed myself. It's all come from my reputation with people I'd worked with or for in the past as they've moved to new companies.

So, all those times that I whined about how hard I was working? I guess it was worth it.

The Hubs's business took off too. I mean really, what are the odds?

And my face? Well, the bones didn't heal properly, but you'd never know it by looking at me. Just how does that happen? I don't know- but I'm glad it did. When I watch shows like CSI, I think about what a medical examiner would think if they looked at my bones. Ha! It kind of makes me laugh a little.

This was also the year that Einstein came into our lives. What a little bundle of joy he is. The Hubs told me from the time we met that he NEVER wanted any pets whatsoever. But bless his heart, he saw how the year started out and decided that getting a dog would make me so happy- so he finally said yes. I never really pestered him, I just joked with him about it mainly. Even the day he said, "OK", it was a joke.

He told me he had to go out of town for a business trip (that, of course never happened since he lost his job too!), and I replied with a picture of a puggle and the words, "then I want one of these". I made sure he wasn't joking, because I couldn't believe he'd actually said "OK" to a puppy.

And now? Well, you couldn't pry Einstein away from The Hubs. He just loves that little guy and tells me all the time how much Einstein means to him. He even said that it's a good thing that we'll never get divorced because I'd have a fight on my hands in regard to custody of Einstein. Who knew? The Hubs is just as surprised as I am about what a great little companion Einstein is for him.

I knew back at the first of this year that things would turn around. As I've probably said a million times, things ALWAYS turn around. I just needed to watch carefully for the open doors. Open doors don't scare me. I suppose that comes from living for almost 50 years. I can clearly see things for what they are- - learning experiences. Some good, some bad. But there really is no such thing as a bad learning experience as long as you've learned something from it, right?

The Hubs came into my life at the exact right time. Those learning experiences have come fast and furious the past few years and I don't think I would have had the fortitude to face them without him by my side. I'm so glad that I overcame my fear of relationships and grabbed onto his hand. I can't think of anyone more perfect for me than The Hubs.

My sons are happy and have started living their own lives. I used to be afraid of that idea, because I made them such an important part of who I was. If anyone asked me to define myself, for many years I would have said "mother", and would have had a hard time thinking of anything else. Now I have many things that define me, but "mother" will always be at the top because of the beautiful souls that were given to me to raise. I'm thankful that they are happy in their new lives. I'm especially happy for the women they have chosen.

I became an aunt for the first time this year. It's so fun to see my baby sister as a mother. I love to see the capacity of love she has for that little baby. I love to see some of her features on his cute little face. Mostly, I love seeing my sister so happy.

I'm thankful for my family and especially thankful that my family doesn't bicker and quarrel. Life is so short and family is precious. Ranger Mike and I used to be 'mortal enemies', but you couldn't find two people closer than we are if you tried.

I'm also very thankful for all of YOU. If I didn't have this place to write down my feelings, my thoughts would just fester in my brain because I really do hate whining in real life. I'm not called Pollyanna for nothing! I felt stronger because you assured me that I was strong. That's been so important for me to 'hear'. I'm so glad that I'm now friends on Facebook with many of you because it allows me to take a peek into your lives and give back some of that support. Wow, I've made such good friends here. The amazing thing is that people who read my blog know me MUCH better than friends in real life (many of which do not even know that I have a blog.) I think that's because in real life, I try to focus on helping vs. receiving.

I may ignore my blog, but it's always here when I need to write. I don't think I'll ever give it up. I suspect that I'll become more active at some point, but right now I'm just living life and thankful for all that I have.