Reflection

I was looking something up and came across a post from around the time that I had the first head bonk. It was two years ago, in the middle of the night on June 16th. I don’t know why I was surprised that it’s been two years already. So much has happened since that time, eh?

It's amazing to me to think that the first head bonk, which seemed so innocuous at the time is still plaguing me. Well, I guess that last head bonk is plaguing me too, but that's another story for another day.

I've come so far from the early stages of the head bonk and I think much of it has to do with my neurologist (reminding myself to thank her when I see her on Monday). She wouldn't give me a 'hall pass' to take time off work because that would have been the worst thing that I could have done, according to her. I remember how emotionally painful it was to not be able to think in public, or private for that matter. To make things worse, I'd just started working in a new department with people that didn't know me. Well, they didn't know the 'old' me.

Funny, when I started sharing my story with some- they'd say, "you mean you were SMARTER than THIS?" Heh. I think I hid my struggles from my co-workers well, with the exception of a couple of people.

My neurologist originally told me that what I ended up with at one year would be probably what I'd see the rest of my life. Then she changed her mind after that first anniversary and said two years was the mark at which we'd say, "this is the new Lori". I'd say the two year out Lori is the same as the one year out Lori and you're stuck with her.

All in all, the new Lori isn't too bad. I get frustrated with her because she still takes a while to figure things out and then immediately forgets how and she needs people to fill in her sentences more often than not. The new Lori can't sleep without a weird concoction of medications and can't concentrate without another medication.

But the new Lori is still the same person emotionally and spiritually. I'm still the same person, underneath it all, and I'm thankful for that.

I have this picture on my computer's desktop. I must have seen it 100 times, but it never gets old to me. It makes me smile, pause and acknowledge all the little things that make me happy and how life is about living in the moment.

Einstein is extremely happy when he's splashing around in the stream at the park. And then? He's extremely happy to go for a walk. It doesn't matter what we do- he's just overjoyed to be doing it.

We interrupt this 'I'll be scarce' stuff to bring you the following interesting observation.

Working lots of hours for myself and working lots of hours for an employer feel exactly the same. I've been putting in the same types of insane hours that I've been known to work when I was employed rather than self-employed. I thought that I'd be constantly thinking, "more hours = more money"; whereas before, more hours = less $ per hour because I was salaried.

Turns out, it doesn't feel any different. I guess I've just proved to myself that I just work hard and money isn't, and never has been, part of the equation. That doesn't mean that I won't have a bit of a girly squeal when I receive my first invoiced payment.

...as you were.

I received this information from one of my friends when I explained to her that I had some fear-based procrastination going on. I loved what she sent me and I thought I'd share it here in case someone else might be experiencing this type of thing:

I wanted to share this info I got from a unemployment support group at [name of group deleted intentionally]. It's a bit "new age", so forgive me if it's not your cup of tea. If you've ever watched the movie "The Secret" or believe in manifesting your destiny, then this will probably makes sense and be of some help. Here goes:

The facilitator talked about the four kingdoms of consciousness and how they relate to six steps you can use to manifest your destiny. The four kingdoms are:

1. "Things happen *to* me" --Victim consciousness.


2. "Things happen by me" -- Manifestation, taking control.


3. "Things happen through me", Co-creating with your higher power --requires you to let go of some control.


4. "Things happen/Life happens *as* me". This is when you reach the highest level and have a "mystic" experience. They said we can be at different levels in different areas.

I have definitely been stuck in Level 1) for a couple weeks. So to get out of this, I am going to follow the the 6 steps they outlined:

1. Name your good (visualize what you want, write it down, be specific as you want to be); for me, it is to [deleted intentionally to protect my friend's privacy]


2. Denials --Get rid of the denials of Truth (that you can be/do anything you want because you are a part of God/higher power); All those things that go in my head --"I can't start my own [whatever it is]


3. Affirmative statements --change the above to affirmative statements.


4. Faith --Believe it is happening


5. Word --Talk it, write it, do it


6. Find the secret of inner power within you --tap into that higher power to guide you, etc.

It sounds like you might be in step 2, going through some denials. So, get out of there and write up some affirmative statements.

Cool, eh? Even if you belong to an organized religion, I believe that this stuff is universal and can help anyone in the situation in which I found myself.

Back to work for me. My employer is a real slave-driver. Giddyup.

By Great Aunt, I mean she was my dad's Aunt. Her name is SO unusual that I'm not going to use her real name here because it would make it WAY to easy for someone to track my family (not that y'all are a bunch of stalkers, but you know I probably should be kind of careful!) I'll just call her Auntie (something I never called her, BTW).

Auntie was big on the power of positive thinking. In fact, I still have a book she gave me when I was a young teen, "The Power of Positive Thinking for Young People" by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale. She was also a HUGE Kahlil Gibran fan. Personally, I think she was way ahead of her time with the now ever so popular "The Secret".

Auntie died many years ago, on my dad and brother's birthday (they share a birthday). I think that was a true testament to how much she loved my dad. I've learned through Hospice that people have a lot more control over when they die than most people would like to believe. Auntie died in her sleep, most unexpectedly, but still I think there's a lot of meaning on the day she 'chose' to die. I was also the last person she had coffee with. Here's an excerpt from one of my blog entries where I wrote more about her:

My aunt had a collection of tea cups. She told me that when she got up in the morning, she'd decide who she was going to have coffee with and pull their tea cup from the shelf. She'd then drink her coffee from that cup and think about that person. She drank coffee with me the last day of her life.

When my dad's sister went to her condo after my aunt died, she found my teacup in the sink unwashed. She sent me the unwashed tea cup along with all of the letters I'd ever written my aunt, bundled in a large rubber band. What a gift that was.

Auntie was very special to me and had a great influence on me. She was like a grandmother to me, and I had the wonderful opportunity to spend a month with her on her ranch back when I was 12. It was a bad time for her, as she had just lost her beloved husband only a couple of weeks before I arrived, yet I recall very few times that she wasn't her usual positive self.

I've felt Auntie around me lately. She didn't believe in the afterlife, and I suppose she was in for a big surprise (I chuckle at the thought that she's probably watching me type this, actually). I even wore a ring she gave me yesterday to Thanksgiving, that was hers, made from her husband's dental gold after he died. I'm sure some would think that's gross, but it's special to me because I know how special it was to her. I've never worn that ring before. But I saw it in my jewelry case and just kind of wanted to bring her along to Thanksgiving. It just felt right.

Today, one of my bestest pals sent me a quote. It wasn't just to me, it was to several people, so I know she wasn't sending it to me as a "hang in there Lori". It gave me chills to read it, because of the timing of it all:

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
-Kahlil Gibran

When I read that, I understood even more about what an influence Auntie was on me. And I know beyond a doubt that she still is.