Reflection

I needed to contact family and friends so they didn't read about it first in my blog.

I finally got in touch with my doctor and was told that I have a cancerous looking lesion in my left breast. It's close to the pectoralis muscle and is 1.2 x .9 x .9 cm and in the 9 o'clock position. It's cancerous looking because it lit up when they introduced the contrast.

Now, this isn't necessarily cancer, so I'm having an ultrasound assisted core needle biopsy at 9am on Monday, Dec. 1st. Coincidently, that is the same day I find out about my job disposition.

Hoosa, what a day that's going to be. I guess the bright side to that day is that Dec 1st is also my friend Annie's birthday! Now THAT's something to celebrate!

Still no word on BJ's job situation. I *think* we'll find out by the end of this week.

As for me, I can feel stuff bubbling under the surface. Yesterday I had a full-on panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath for what seemed like forever. Eventually, I calmed myself but it was very uncomfortable and just came on for no reason (well, yeah, there was a reason- but nothing happened at that moment to bring it on). That's scary to me that I can't predict it or plan for it. (wow, am I a control freak or what? I want to PLAN for a panic attack?)

I'm thankful that the oven repair guy is coming today to fix my oven (that's what she said...). That gave me a great excuse to work from home. I fully believe that I'll be in a better head space and more able to predict and control my emotions next week so will feel comfortable going into the office. If not, I might call my neuro and see if we can adjust my meds temporarily. Between the panic attacks and the nightly wandering, it might be warranted.

I'm also thankful for two very special friends who have gone through this waiting, got the worst news, and came through it on the other side. Thanks for your email and support gals. And thanks for the information.

I'm hoping that Lucy (that's my left breast) is just being a drama queen as usual and things will turn out fine. If not, well, gosh I've been through so much in my 48 years and have come through it all shining- so why would this be any different?

I have made a habit of comparing "this" (whatever this is at the time) to the worst time in my entire life, just to prove to myself that I *will* get through whatever "this" is. It's been a good method of putting things in perspective for me. I suppose the thing I always compare stuff to might be replaced by what's going on right now if we both lose our jobs and I do find out that I have cancer. Even so, I have no doubt that we (BJ and I) will get through it because BJ and I make each other stronger and we have a knack for making each other feel safe and secure.

I know that as long as I have my family (which includes BJ) and my friends it's going to be OK. I feel blessed and comforted by all the support systems I seem to have generated over my lifetime.

This weekend, I plan to play laser tag with my boys. I don't know about you, but that sounds like the perfect day to me.

Another poem addressed in the book "ten poems to change your life"

The Revolution
Kabir
Are you looking for me?
I am in the next seat:
your shoulder is against mine.
You will not find me in stupas,
nor in Indian shrine rooms,
nor in the synagogue, nor in cathedrals, not in masses, nor kirtans,
not in legs twisting around the neck, nor in eating nothing but vegetables.
When you look for me, you will find me instantly.
You will find me in the tiniest house of time.

Kabir says: "Student, tell me, what is God?
He is the breath inside the breath."

What has death and a thick body dances before
what has no thick body and no death.
The trumpet says, "I am you."
The spiritual master arrives and bows down
to the beginning student.
Try to live to see this!

I've never believed that organized religion is for everyone, although I do believe it is for many. To drill down even further, I believe that all religions (well, except the wacky ones) have a certain amount of truth and each, though different from each other, are the 'true' religion for some individuals. I believe that this poem is saying, there is no one particular place you'll find God (or whatever you call your light), because God is everywhere.

It's all about finding your light. Call it God, call it the Universe, or even the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It's my belief that this light is the same thing to different people even though it's called different names.

Heidi and Sam have been on a raw food journey and Sam has posted some wonderful posts about how the raw food journey has helped him to find his light. I think that's awesome. I'm just as excited for someone who has found a religion that fits them like a glove or has found freedom through a 12-step program. I know where I find my light, and that is in solitude and quiet.

I am in the next seat:
your shoulder is against mine.

...When you look for me, you will find me instantly.

Everyone needs to find their own way to open their eyes to that light in the next seat. The first step is simply the desire to see. I've always been curious about people who don't feel that desire to see. I don't judge it; I just don't understand it. It seems to me that life would feel empty and meaningless.

Where do you find your light?

Caution! Pontificating ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

I've been reading a lot of books lately that really hit home to me. This type of reading isn't for everyone, but I sure enjoy it. I've always thought outside of the box when it comes to spiritual matters for as long as I can remember. Many of you know that I was raised in an ultra-conservative religion, which gave me a good, solid moral compass. I will never regret the time I spent going to church, nor the lessons I learned while I was there.

I remember very clearly a day that I was sitting with my parents and family from my dad's side when I was about nine or ten, listening to them talk about religion. My parents were sharing their truths, and the other family members were sharing theirs. I piped up, "I don't believe there is just one true religion." Yup, I said that at the ripe old age of 9 or 10 (I remember what I was wearing that day, and that's how I gauge my age. )

If looks could kill, I would have been dead from the daggers being sent my way from my mother. In their religion, they believe that it's very important to do your best to bring people into their truths- so what I said was quite taboo and I got quite a 'talking to' after that. That was the last time I'd bring up my thoughts on the matter with my parents until I was about 40.

I tell that story because it shows that I've always been a free thinker in the matters of spirituality. I do believe that my parents' church is true for them and I believe that the Catholic church is true for my aunt, and so on. I absolutely love learning about other religions and how they started. I love listening to people give their testimony of their truth, even if I don't share their truth. I believe that religion DOES have a place in this world for many people, perhaps the majority. For me though, I've had a set of beliefs that go back over many years. The things I believed wouldn't be considered conventional or 'normal', so I never really talked about it because I didn't want people to think I was weird. (too late! Everyone KNOWS I'm weird!)

A couple of years before I met BJ, I started down my path to self-discovery. I've mentioned it a few times in my blog, so I won't bore you with all of it. Part of that was to read books on spirituality on Sundays- my version of church, if you will. It was amazing to me how many other people believed the same things I did, as I churned through the various authors. I felt so isolated and alone (abnormal, even) until I started reading books that literally took my breath away because of the similarities between their truth and mine. It seems that once I started reading those books and talking about them, I found more and more people who shared my beliefs. BJ is not one of those people, but he's kind enough to respect my beliefs and not mock me. I could see how easy it would be to mock me, but at this point I don't let that bother me because I'm so secure in my beliefs.

Right now I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth". Wow, wow and WOW. Once I'm finished, I'll share my thoughts about the book and what it teaches. Other areas that I like to explore are topics about how much control you have over your reality. Notice I don't say life..

I recently ran across this; something I'd read a long time ago. I think it hits the nail on the head about controlling our reality:

Which Wolf Will Win?

An elder Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves."

"One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, jealousy and lies. The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth and compassion. This same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too."

The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The grandfather simply replied, “The one I feed.”

Sometimes I have to remind myself of that story- especially when I'm going into a spiral of negativity. The story is so simple yet the message is clear and undeniable.

It's so awesome to me to meet like-minded people after all these years of keeping my spiritual thoughts to myself. That's what I love about the good ol' USA, we can all believe what we want without fear of persecution. That's a privilege and not something I take lightly.

Over the last two weeks or so, the spot where I bonked my head in January has become REALLY tender. It never hurt in the past, so I'm wondering if all the sudden the nerves in that area are healing or something. I think it's strange that all the sudden my head would hurt six months after I hit it (the second time). I'm trying to not make something out of this other than what it is. The hypochondriac in me worries that this, coupled with being really tired and some of my old symptoms (wobbling when I'm standing, confusion, jaw clenching, feeling like I'm being pulled to the right when I'm walking, tingly hands and feet) getting worse add up to something bad. I refuse to call my doctor unless things get out of control. I don't feel that I'm at that point yet.

I have been taking Requip for a month now. At first, it helped with the jerking- but the effect seems to be wearing off. I have a follow-up appointment with my neurologist next month, so I'll bring that up to see if the medication needs to be increased. The jerking is most prominent when I've been sitting still for a long time, especially if I've engaged in any sort of strenuous activity. BJ has mentioned that I've been jerking pretty severely when I'm sleeping. Thank goodness the "drugs that would knock an elephant out" keep me sleeping through all of it. Maybe I should give some to BJ so he can sleep, poor guy.

We went to dinner with my long time friends (the Hospice club) on Sunday. We go WAY too long between get-togethers. It's been over a year since we've seen each other. Since that time, one had a recurrence of breast cancer (last time was 17 years ago) and had to have a mastectomy and chemo; I'd bonked my head twice; and one of them broke up with their long-time (over 10 years) partner. We've kept in touch via email, of course, so we all knew what was going on in everyone's lives. I didn't tell any of them about my bonked head in our email exchanges, but it came up at dinner.

I told them that this head-bonking stuff was actually a good lesson for me. I told them that my IQ was lost for a while and I learned what it was like... interrupted by all of them saying at the same time, "To be like everyone else".

That made me laugh. I really don't see myself as being THAT smart, but apparently I give off that impression.

Truly, I don't regret bonking my head. I don't enjoy it, but I know that there was a lesson in there for me. I've been able to figure out one or two of the things I was meant to learn from this experience, but I'm positive that there is more and that's why I'm not 'done' with the experience.

I know that sounds weird, but it's what I believe.

Again, I'm rambling. I haven't had time to really 'think' lately and I know I'm not going to have time for a few days, so I wanted to clear my head of a few things before they're lost for good.

Now I can hang my gone fishin' sign. Adios until Monday.

I am sitting here waiting for Mo' Nature to make up her mind as to whether she's gonna let me garden or not. Right now, it's not looking favorable, so I guess I'll write part II of the trip to see the 'rents.

It's been a while since we've seen my parents and brother, so when I saw my mom and dad at the airport I hugged the stuffin' right out of them. My dad probably wondered what the heck happened to the daughter who he had to chase around the house to get a hug.

Seriously, he'd chase me around saying, "give me a squeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeee" and I'd run. I was in my.... ummmm... 30's at that time. It was a fun game.

My dad has changed a lot since I saw him last. He's shaved the mustache that he's had since the 70's and he's changed his hair. He now has a metrosexualish 'doo. Kind of a flat top. It's SOOOOO cute on him!

I hope this doesn't insult my dad, but he's turning into a very cute old man. We all know how much I love old men. Now I have one of my own. tee hee.

Mom looked just like she did the last time I saw her, except she's now sporting an oxygen tank almost 24/7. I'm thankful that I've been around that sort of thing a lot between my Hospice experiences and BJ's dad- so I knew what to expect when I saw her. Quite honestly, I'm surprised she hasn't found a way to jazz the nose cannula up a bit. Surely there must be some sort of bedazzler kit for cannulas.

Of course, it's always shocking to see my parents after I haven't seen them in a while, because when I talk about them or think about them, I picture them in their 40's. Now I'm the one in my 40's, so I guess it stands to reason that they're older than that. And my brother Joel. He'll always be my 'little' brother, even though he'll be 42 in June. That's just nutty to me.

Dad took us for a short walk from their house to see the petroglyphs- aka blogging for cave dwellers. Looking at some of the petroglyphs made me wonder what story these people were trying to tell. I'm guessing that they had a more urgent reason got get to the point than I do. Not sure if I'd be so wordy if I had to carve my stories in stone.


As long as I've known my dad (trust me, it's a long time), he's always been a putterer. It seems that my dad is having a good time puttering in his yard, creating vegetable gardens and stone gardens. According to my dad, this stone garden represents the sun.


Mom is an artist as well as writer, so she spends a lot of time indoors doing those sorts of things. I gave her this for an early Mother's day present. I'm expecting to see some great digital art out of her. Hint, hint.... *When* she sends me something I'll share it here. I know it will be amazing. I think I became a photographer because of my mom's ability to draw. I was always envious of that talent.

My brother, Joel, is one of my favorite people to hang around because he ALWAYS laughs at my jokes. I like that in a person. Of course, the more he laughs, the more it eggs me on, so I get pretty obnoxious after a while. Poor BJ...... he tries so hard to convince me that I'm not THAT funny and then Joel has to go ruin all his good work.

I think- no, I KNOW- this visit was one of the best visits I've ever had with my parents. Something has changed in my relationship with them- especially with my mother- and I believe it's because of my blog. I send 99% of my blog entries to them (the 1% are things that they wouldn't want to know, like my second career as a table dancer. KIDDING!), and so now they know me and now I know they accept me for who I am (mostly, anyway). I never really gave them that opportunity before because I never really shared all of me with them. If for no other purpose, I'm glad that I started this blog because it brought me closer to my parents. Now they get "all" of me (probably more than they'd ever want to know... ha!).

My long-time blog readers probably knew me better than my parents up until the time I started copying them on my posts. Strange, isn't it? I'm not going to question the pathology behind what made me so secretive, I'll just be happy that I've stopped.

I enjoyed every minute of my visit with my parents and Joel, and for the first time in my life I honestly wished we had been able to spend more time with them. I like being in this 'space' where I enjoy my parents.

Mom and Dad, I love you so very much and it was very hard for me to say goodbye. How awesome is that? Lemme tell you... it's AWESOME.

More pictures of the trip (including LOTS of petroglyphs) can be found on my flickr account.

I think I have another post about the trip I need to add. It'll only interest the bird people. Stay tuned.