Reflection

OK, NOW I can write about the weekend. We were invited to a 'tribe' weekend at a lodge just outside of Leavenworth for a tribe member's surprise birthday. The 'tribe' consists of friends that BJ has had for over 20 years. I got lucky when I married BJ because he has a wonderful group of friends. Bonus! They're all starting their families, so I got to play with babies and little girls all weekend. Squee!

Here's where we stayed. We (the tribe, consisting of five families and one single guy) had the entire lodge to ourselves. We stayed in "Brook".



I didn't take a lick of work with me (another bonus!), and actually relaxed for a change. Well, to be honest "relaxed" is a relative term for me. I think the only time I truly relax is when I'm under anesthesia. Even when I'm sleeping, I'm working on something.

The first night, we played lots of DVD trivia games. We split into two teams, and I'll have you know that people WANTED me on their team. Especially when it came to things like celebrity news. I'm on top of that, yessiree. Sports? Not so much, but the guys had that stuff covered.

We had a GREAT kitchen, so we cooked all our meals except breakfast on Sunday morning. Cleaning up was so quick with lots of women and THREE sinks!

Saturday, the most of the guys (including BJ) and their wives went out snow-mobiling (sp?). My physical therapist threatened me with terrible things to keep me from partaking in that particular activity. I know that she knows how to hurt me, so I stayed in the lodge with the kiddos. I finally finished a book I'd been nursing for about two months. I don't know why I kept reading it once it got to cannibalism and other gruesome things, but the end was worth it. No, I'm not going to tell you the name of the book. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Saturday night, more DVD trivia and then Texas Hold'em poker. Five dollars was the buy-in, which was a good thing because BJ and I lost our shorts (not really... nobody wants to see that.) All of the adults played, so there was a big pot (55 dollars!) I don't know who won, because BJ and I are old and went to bed at about 11pm.

Sunday was a real treat. We went to a buffet breakfast. Normally I'm not a big fan of buffets, but this was a high-priced buffet and was DE-lishious. Oh my gosh, the Belgium waffles were to die for. There was hardly anything to them; really light and crispy. Every pork product (high end) you could think of, and even salmon. After breakfast, we went for a sleigh ride. There wasn't a lot of snow, so it was noisy and bumpy (and cold, boy was it cold!) The kids loved it though and it was fun to watch them enjoy themselves.

BJ and I left a couple of hours after that. Frankly, our charm reservoir was getting empty and we needed a little bit of quiet. We didn't even turn on the radio the whole 2.5 hour trip.

Unfortunately, Einstein was sick when we picked him up from doggy daycare, so I had to immediately take him to the vet. He had some plant debris embedded in his ear (not from doggy day care), and it was infected. Poor little puppy was miserable. He's still afraid to bark two days later because it hurt so much. He's on pain pills and antibiotics now, so he should be feeling better soon.

To make the weekend even better, I've finally resolved something that has plagued me for too long. Resolved probably isn't the right word. Maybe resigned is a better word. Resigned myself that I've done everything I can in a situation I won't be sharing here and I can freely walk away with a clear conscious. I once learned in counseling that sometimes resolution needs to be done all on your own without the cooperation of the other party. I'm glad that the counselor shared that with me, though I never thought I'd be using that advice in my relationship with this person.

I'm looking at this situation as part of my evolution. I believe we come here as imperfect stones. Each rough situation we're in polishes us a little bit more until hopefully we come out of this with very few rough edges. Unless we accept the situation for what it is, learn from it and move on we'll leave this life with many imperfections. I don't think I'll ever be perfect, but I've had quite a few opportunities to be polished and I'm honestly thankful for those opportunities. I'm proud of the person I am and would not be me without the rough stuff along with the good stuff.

Who knew all this could happen in three days? What an awesome life I live, and I'm grateful every day for that.

I picked up the book "Soul Pancake" to give me things to write about in my journal (ummm... this is my journal in case you haven't noticed.) I thought it might be fun to work through the book as a family (Mom, Dad and siblings), and I got 99% buy in. We'll be sharing our thoughts with each other, but I'll also be posting my thoughts here. I got to assign the first one, and then we'll be taking turns picking the topics. What my family doesn't know (but they will after reading my blog) is that I'm also going to throw in some other stuff from another book I have. I like to keep them on their toes.

Everyone has the book, because there is reading to do along with the questions. I don't want to have an issue with copyrights, so I won't be posting any of the book verbatim. You'll have to get the book, but feel free to play along! I still am not opening comments, but my friends all have my email address or are friends with me on FB if you want to share your thoughts.

I chose page 192 as our first assignment, to include the “dig deeper” questions:

1. What is the purpose of your life?


2. Does your sense of purpose evolve?


3. If you land your ideal job have you achieved your purpose?


4. Who has most influenced your life’s purpose?

What is the purpose of my life?
Ultimately, I believe the purpose of my life is that of a teacher. Not a teacher in the typical sense, but more of a mentor and a positive influence on those who need something I might have to offer in the way of learning. I've learned to quit wasting my time on people who don't want to do the work required to improve their lives, and invest my time on those that know that life is not a free ride. I've been really lucky to meet a lot of really great 'kids'. They may think they're learning something from me, but it goes both ways.

Does my sense of purpose evolve?
Very much so. For a long while, I thought my sense of purpose was simply to be a mom to my two sons. They are still high on my list of reasons I'm glad I'm on this planet, but I've expanded beyond that. As you all know, I was involved in Hospice for almost the last 10 years. I thought at that time, that Hospice was my sense of purpose and put my full passion and energy into it. I believe that I made a big difference to many people in this capacity. As I began to talk about my volunteer service with Hospice, people at work and online started coming to me just to have someone to talk to and I started thinking that maybe my sense of purpose was to be a good listener. I know that I'm a good listener, but I don't believe that is really a sense of purpose. Just something I can offer as a friend. Lately, I've come to believe that my sense of purpose is to mentor young adult women. I think the Hospice experience gave me the perspective I needed and certainly the listening skills. So, long answer to a short question right? Short answer is yes, my sense of purpose does evolve and who knows where I'll go next.

If you land your ideal job have you achieved your purpose?
This one kind of makes me giggle. I've landed my ideal job so many times in my life. I always thought, "OK- this is THE job for me" and have been thrilled to do what I've been doing. You couldn't find a more passionate or dedicated employee than me in ANY job I've had. Of course, I think what I'm doing now is the VERY TIP TOP of ideal jobs since I'm self-employed and successful. With that said, I've never ever felt that my job was my sense of purpose. I do have a habit of using what I do for a living as my identity, but it's not my purpose. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it is what it is. I think I just take a lot of pride in my work and that's about as far as that goes.

Who has most influenced your life’s purpose?
I have no single answer for this. I have so many people who I think of as mentors throughout my life. People from work, family, Hospice and friends. I make a point of spending my energy and time with positive people, and I've yet to find a positive person that hasn't taught me something or influenced me in a good way. Outside of people I know personally, I do have to say that Oprah has given me lots to think about, read and ponder. I wouldn't say she's a major influence, but she's pointed me in the right direction several times. Once I'm pointed in the right direction (even me, the directionally challenged one!), I follow that path to the end.

You'll understand the title in a minute.

Ranger Mike came to stay with us for the Thanksgiving Holidays. I give him a lot of crap for being Cliff Claven, but I actually like having the guy around. I must- because this is a banner year for being with my brother. We all (kids, us, Michael) went to see the family in Arizona in June; Michael and I took our brother on a road trip in September; and now this. Can I even hope for Christmas too? We'll see. I love you, bro.

While I'm on the Thanksgiving roll...

• I'm thankful for so many things- family being number one. It always has been and always will be. This includes the 'kids' I've adopted along the way, and family members who choose to be apart.


• I'm thankful that BJ and I found each other, even if it did take a 'few' years. He's a wonderful partner to me and I can't think of a single person that doesn't agree. I've put him through the mill with all the head bonks and wonky bits, but at least he's no longer afraid of hospitals. heh heh


• I'm thankful for all of my friends, cyber and up close and personal. I don't know what I did to deserve the lot of you, but I'm glad I did it.


• I'm thankful for my puppy, Einstein. He makes me laugh every.single.day.


• I'm thankful for my beautiful home.


• I'm thankful for being able to make an income at something I love to do.


• I'm even thankful for all the bad stuff that has happened, because I really like the person I've become. I don't think I'd be me if it wasn't for all my life experiences.

With that said, here's where you'll understand the title of my post. I originally saved this to send to my mom and dad, but I think if you replace some of the words, it could apply to anyone whose life hasn't or isn't currently turning out the way they had planned.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

I think I've been too busy to give in to the 'stuff' swirling around in the back of my head. I'm excellent at putting stuff away in boxes in my brain until I have time to deal with it. That's so opposite of how I handle things physically. In other words, my house is not one of a hoarder, but my brain sure is.

I know that sometimes I'll create work for myself so I don't have to deal with 'stuff', but I haven't really had to do much of that because my business has kept me so busy. That's good for the pocketbook, notsomuch for the mind. I've dealt with three deaths in less than a year and no amount of Hospice work has compelled me to do what I've learned over the years. What I should know is that putting it away in the back of my head isn't going to work for very long. Unfortunately, that's a skill that I've honed over the years- be it good or bad.

It's time I clear out the clutter in my head so I can have a peaceful night. I've had nightmares for as long as I can remember and I'm ready to ditch them. I've decided to do some free-writing, not here- because it's too personal, but some place where I can dump everything and then ceremoniously burn it.

I think a bath is in order first. That sounds FANtastic about now.

I've changed and I hardly recognize the person I used to be. I've quit writing, mostly because I feel so easily exposed which makes me claustrophobic. When I do write, it's 'safe'.

I thought I'd try an experiment of shutting down my comments so I can pretend that nobody is reading my blog. Maybe that'll bring back the honest writing.

I'm in a deep funk. Weather related? Maybe. Hormones? Perhaps. Grief? Most likely.

Maybe a combination of all three.

I've given up Hospice for good. I don't have anything left to give. I feel empty. How can I possibly support someone else when my well is dry?

I think the brain damage from the original head injury might be part of this. If I look through my blog, my thought processes and writing changed a lot after that. I've certainly lost my ability to be patient, especially with people. I'm easily smothered, even more so than before. I'm not as forgiving of people as I used to be.

Damn, I sound like a crotchety old woman. Thankfully for BJ, I'm not outwardly crotchety- or so he says.

I really want to be the person I used to be, and I don't know if that's possible. That kills me.