Reflection

By Great Aunt, I mean she was my dad's Aunt. Her name is SO unusual that I'm not going to use her real name here because it would make it WAY to easy for someone to track my family (not that y'all are a bunch of stalkers, but you know I probably should be kind of careful!) I'll just call her Auntie (something I never called her, BTW).

Auntie was big on the power of positive thinking. In fact, I still have a book she gave me when I was a young teen, "The Power of Positive Thinking for Young People" by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale. She was also a HUGE Kahlil Gibran fan. Personally, I think she was way ahead of her time with the now ever so popular "The Secret".

Auntie died many years ago, on my dad and brother's birthday (they share a birthday). I think that was a true testament to how much she loved my dad. I've learned through Hospice that people have a lot more control over when they die than most people would like to believe. Auntie died in her sleep, most unexpectedly, but still I think there's a lot of meaning on the day she 'chose' to die. I was also the last person she had coffee with. Here's an excerpt from one of my blog entries where I wrote more about her:

My aunt had a collection of tea cups. She told me that when she got up in the morning, she'd decide who she was going to have coffee with and pull their tea cup from the shelf. She'd then drink her coffee from that cup and think about that person. She drank coffee with me the last day of her life.

When my dad's sister went to her condo after my aunt died, she found my teacup in the sink unwashed. She sent me the unwashed tea cup along with all of the letters I'd ever written my aunt, bundled in a large rubber band. What a gift that was.

Auntie was very special to me and had a great influence on me. She was like a grandmother to me, and I had the wonderful opportunity to spend a month with her on her ranch back when I was 12. It was a bad time for her, as she had just lost her beloved husband only a couple of weeks before I arrived, yet I recall very few times that she wasn't her usual positive self.

I've felt Auntie around me lately. She didn't believe in the afterlife, and I suppose she was in for a big surprise (I chuckle at the thought that she's probably watching me type this, actually). I even wore a ring she gave me yesterday to Thanksgiving, that was hers, made from her husband's dental gold after he died. I'm sure some would think that's gross, but it's special to me because I know how special it was to her. I've never worn that ring before. But I saw it in my jewelry case and just kind of wanted to bring her along to Thanksgiving. It just felt right.

Today, one of my bestest pals sent me a quote. It wasn't just to me, it was to several people, so I know she wasn't sending it to me as a "hang in there Lori". It gave me chills to read it, because of the timing of it all:

Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.
-Kahlil Gibran

When I read that, I understood even more about what an influence Auntie was on me. And I know beyond a doubt that she still is.

I needed to contact family and friends so they didn't read about it first in my blog.

I finally got in touch with my doctor and was told that I have a cancerous looking lesion in my left breast. It's close to the pectoralis muscle and is 1.2 x .9 x .9 cm and in the 9 o'clock position. It's cancerous looking because it lit up when they introduced the contrast.

Now, this isn't necessarily cancer, so I'm having an ultrasound assisted core needle biopsy at 9am on Monday, Dec. 1st. Coincidently, that is the same day I find out about my job disposition.

Hoosa, what a day that's going to be. I guess the bright side to that day is that Dec 1st is also my friend Annie's birthday! Now THAT's something to celebrate!

Still no word on BJ's job situation. I *think* we'll find out by the end of this week.

As for me, I can feel stuff bubbling under the surface. Yesterday I had a full-on panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath for what seemed like forever. Eventually, I calmed myself but it was very uncomfortable and just came on for no reason (well, yeah, there was a reason- but nothing happened at that moment to bring it on). That's scary to me that I can't predict it or plan for it. (wow, am I a control freak or what? I want to PLAN for a panic attack?)

I'm thankful that the oven repair guy is coming today to fix my oven (that's what she said...). That gave me a great excuse to work from home. I fully believe that I'll be in a better head space and more able to predict and control my emotions next week so will feel comfortable going into the office. If not, I might call my neuro and see if we can adjust my meds temporarily. Between the panic attacks and the nightly wandering, it might be warranted.

I'm also thankful for two very special friends who have gone through this waiting, got the worst news, and came through it on the other side. Thanks for your email and support gals. And thanks for the information.

I'm hoping that Lucy (that's my left breast) is just being a drama queen as usual and things will turn out fine. If not, well, gosh I've been through so much in my 48 years and have come through it all shining- so why would this be any different?

I have made a habit of comparing "this" (whatever this is at the time) to the worst time in my entire life, just to prove to myself that I *will* get through whatever "this" is. It's been a good method of putting things in perspective for me. I suppose the thing I always compare stuff to might be replaced by what's going on right now if we both lose our jobs and I do find out that I have cancer. Even so, I have no doubt that we (BJ and I) will get through it because BJ and I make each other stronger and we have a knack for making each other feel safe and secure.

I know that as long as I have my family (which includes BJ) and my friends it's going to be OK. I feel blessed and comforted by all the support systems I seem to have generated over my lifetime.

This weekend, I plan to play laser tag with my boys. I don't know about you, but that sounds like the perfect day to me.

Another poem addressed in the book "ten poems to change your life"

The Revolution
Kabir
Are you looking for me?
I am in the next seat:
your shoulder is against mine.
You will not find me in stupas,
nor in Indian shrine rooms,
nor in the synagogue, nor in cathedrals, not in masses, nor kirtans,
not in legs twisting around the neck, nor in eating nothing but vegetables.
When you look for me, you will find me instantly.
You will find me in the tiniest house of time.

Kabir says: "Student, tell me, what is God?
He is the breath inside the breath."

What has death and a thick body dances before
what has no thick body and no death.
The trumpet says, "I am you."
The spiritual master arrives and bows down
to the beginning student.
Try to live to see this!

I've never believed that organized religion is for everyone, although I do believe it is for many. To drill down even further, I believe that all religions (well, except the wacky ones) have a certain amount of truth and each, though different from each other, are the 'true' religion for some individuals. I believe that this poem is saying, there is no one particular place you'll find God (or whatever you call your light), because God is everywhere.

It's all about finding your light. Call it God, call it the Universe, or even the Flying Spaghetti Monster. It's my belief that this light is the same thing to different people even though it's called different names.

Heidi and Sam have been on a raw food journey and Sam has posted some wonderful posts about how the raw food journey has helped him to find his light. I think that's awesome. I'm just as excited for someone who has found a religion that fits them like a glove or has found freedom through a 12-step program. I know where I find my light, and that is in solitude and quiet.

I am in the next seat:
your shoulder is against mine.

...When you look for me, you will find me instantly.

Everyone needs to find their own way to open their eyes to that light in the next seat. The first step is simply the desire to see. I've always been curious about people who don't feel that desire to see. I don't judge it; I just don't understand it. It seems to me that life would feel empty and meaningless.

Where do you find your light?

Caution! Pontificating ahead. Proceed at your own risk.

I've been reading a lot of books lately that really hit home to me. This type of reading isn't for everyone, but I sure enjoy it. I've always thought outside of the box when it comes to spiritual matters for as long as I can remember. Many of you know that I was raised in an ultra-conservative religion, which gave me a good, solid moral compass. I will never regret the time I spent going to church, nor the lessons I learned while I was there.

I remember very clearly a day that I was sitting with my parents and family from my dad's side when I was about nine or ten, listening to them talk about religion. My parents were sharing their truths, and the other family members were sharing theirs. I piped up, "I don't believe there is just one true religion." Yup, I said that at the ripe old age of 9 or 10 (I remember what I was wearing that day, and that's how I gauge my age. )

If looks could kill, I would have been dead from the daggers being sent my way from my mother. In their religion, they believe that it's very important to do your best to bring people into their truths- so what I said was quite taboo and I got quite a 'talking to' after that. That was the last time I'd bring up my thoughts on the matter with my parents until I was about 40.

I tell that story because it shows that I've always been a free thinker in the matters of spirituality. I do believe that my parents' church is true for them and I believe that the Catholic church is true for my aunt, and so on. I absolutely love learning about other religions and how they started. I love listening to people give their testimony of their truth, even if I don't share their truth. I believe that religion DOES have a place in this world for many people, perhaps the majority. For me though, I've had a set of beliefs that go back over many years. The things I believed wouldn't be considered conventional or 'normal', so I never really talked about it because I didn't want people to think I was weird. (too late! Everyone KNOWS I'm weird!)

A couple of years before I met BJ, I started down my path to self-discovery. I've mentioned it a few times in my blog, so I won't bore you with all of it. Part of that was to read books on spirituality on Sundays- my version of church, if you will. It was amazing to me how many other people believed the same things I did, as I churned through the various authors. I felt so isolated and alone (abnormal, even) until I started reading books that literally took my breath away because of the similarities between their truth and mine. It seems that once I started reading those books and talking about them, I found more and more people who shared my beliefs. BJ is not one of those people, but he's kind enough to respect my beliefs and not mock me. I could see how easy it would be to mock me, but at this point I don't let that bother me because I'm so secure in my beliefs.

Right now I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth". Wow, wow and WOW. Once I'm finished, I'll share my thoughts about the book and what it teaches. Other areas that I like to explore are topics about how much control you have over your reality. Notice I don't say life..

I recently ran across this; something I'd read a long time ago. I think it hits the nail on the head about controlling our reality:

Which Wolf Will Win?

An elder Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves."

"One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, jealousy and lies. The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth and compassion. This same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too."

The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The grandfather simply replied, “The one I feed.”

Sometimes I have to remind myself of that story- especially when I'm going into a spiral of negativity. The story is so simple yet the message is clear and undeniable.

It's so awesome to me to meet like-minded people after all these years of keeping my spiritual thoughts to myself. That's what I love about the good ol' USA, we can all believe what we want without fear of persecution. That's a privilege and not something I take lightly.

Over the last two weeks or so, the spot where I bonked my head in January has become REALLY tender. It never hurt in the past, so I'm wondering if all the sudden the nerves in that area are healing or something. I think it's strange that all the sudden my head would hurt six months after I hit it (the second time). I'm trying to not make something out of this other than what it is. The hypochondriac in me worries that this, coupled with being really tired and some of my old symptoms (wobbling when I'm standing, confusion, jaw clenching, feeling like I'm being pulled to the right when I'm walking, tingly hands and feet) getting worse add up to something bad. I refuse to call my doctor unless things get out of control. I don't feel that I'm at that point yet.

I have been taking Requip for a month now. At first, it helped with the jerking- but the effect seems to be wearing off. I have a follow-up appointment with my neurologist next month, so I'll bring that up to see if the medication needs to be increased. The jerking is most prominent when I've been sitting still for a long time, especially if I've engaged in any sort of strenuous activity. BJ has mentioned that I've been jerking pretty severely when I'm sleeping. Thank goodness the "drugs that would knock an elephant out" keep me sleeping through all of it. Maybe I should give some to BJ so he can sleep, poor guy.

We went to dinner with my long time friends (the Hospice club) on Sunday. We go WAY too long between get-togethers. It's been over a year since we've seen each other. Since that time, one had a recurrence of breast cancer (last time was 17 years ago) and had to have a mastectomy and chemo; I'd bonked my head twice; and one of them broke up with their long-time (over 10 years) partner. We've kept in touch via email, of course, so we all knew what was going on in everyone's lives. I didn't tell any of them about my bonked head in our email exchanges, but it came up at dinner.

I told them that this head-bonking stuff was actually a good lesson for me. I told them that my IQ was lost for a while and I learned what it was like... interrupted by all of them saying at the same time, "To be like everyone else".

That made me laugh. I really don't see myself as being THAT smart, but apparently I give off that impression.

Truly, I don't regret bonking my head. I don't enjoy it, but I know that there was a lesson in there for me. I've been able to figure out one or two of the things I was meant to learn from this experience, but I'm positive that there is more and that's why I'm not 'done' with the experience.

I know that sounds weird, but it's what I believe.

Again, I'm rambling. I haven't had time to really 'think' lately and I know I'm not going to have time for a few days, so I wanted to clear my head of a few things before they're lost for good.

Now I can hang my gone fishin' sign. Adios until Monday.