Mush

Tomorrow is your birthday, yet I'm the one that has received a gift. The gift of being your wife.

I thank your mom and dad for raising such a wonderful human being. I see so much of both of them in you, something in which they should be very proud. You are kind and generous. You are smart and well mannered. You are honest and trustworthy. These things, and many more, are gifts from your parents.

I imagine this will be a difficult birthday for you because this is the first one in which your dad isn't here to wish you a happy birthday and tell you how proud he is of you. I acknowledge that you and I have different beliefs about the afterlife, but I know without a doubt that your dad will be with you in spirit today. Just as he is every day.

I'll be thinking of your mom because I know that she'll be wishing she was here to share this special day with you. I know this because I too, have sons. On their birthdays I feel that it's a special and sacred day between us because it is the anniversary of the day that I brought them into the world and the day that I had to part with the constant companion and little person that I'd fallen in love with over the past nine months.

Your mom has told me many times that you were always her boy. I look at your baby pictures and see those sweet eyes of yours and can understand why she'd want you all for herself, and I thank her for sharing you with me.



You still have those sweet eyes which completely melt me. Your eyes could get you out of LOTS of hot water, you know. I'm so glad you don't realize that yet.

I look forward to celebrating your birthday with you, and I hope that we will share many more together.

Happy birthday to the man I love more than I thought possible.

I had a pretty powerful experience today while making my Hospice calls. It seems that every time I write about my Hospice calls I mention how amazed I am at the timing of things. Today was no exception.

While on my way to Hospice House, I gave my brother a call. It has been a couple of weeks since I've talked to him and I wanted to see how he was doing. After talking to him I turned on the CD player and the next song was one that always makes me think about my brother and sister. I'll post the lyrics at the bottom of this post.

I have a unique bond with my brother and sister. One that comes from shared circumstances beyond normal childhood experiences. The relationship with my sister is vastly different from the relationship I have with my brother, yet I love them both fiercely and I'd gladly lay down my life for each of them. I mean that with every fiber of my being.

My sister is nine years younger than me and we seem to have switched roles in our lifetime. I used to be her protector and now she is mine. She is the protector of my secrets and most sacred thoughts. She gives me a safe place to share my joy as well as my fear. There is no doubt in my mind that we were meant to be sisters even though we do not share a biological bond. The bond we share goes much deeper than biology.

As I listened to the song in my CD player, I thought about how blessed I am that we love each other the way we do. I've had friends who, even as adults, do not get along with their siblings. This always makes me sad for them because there is something special between siblings that is hard to explain. For me, it's solid and it's unconditional.

When I got to Hospice House and pulled my first file, I saw that it was that of a man who had died in his mid-fifties. I had five phone calls to make: one to his daughter, and calls to his siblings. As I read further, I saw that at the moment he died, two of his siblings were each holding his hand. I have in the past imagined myself in this exact scenario, leaving this world with my brother on one side of me and my sister on the other.

While reading through the file I imagined what it would be like if I had to watch my brother or sister die and it was too painful to think about. I was almost afraid to pick up the phone and start making the calls, but I'm so glad that I did. I spent almost two hours talking with this man's siblings and was so touched by their bond. They each took turns caring for him at the end of his life and they shared very different, yet equally loving experiences. Just like my bond with my sister and brother, they each had unique and very strong bonds with each other.

Two of them shared with me how they never got along when they were kids, but as they grew older they became closer and closer. Now their greatest joy is when they get to spend time together. I could hear the love they felt for each other as they shared stories with me. And even though the death of their brother was sad, they have wonderful memories of the time they spent with him.

One sister said, "Taking care of my brother never felt like a chore to me because I loved him".

Today was truly a beautiful experience for me. How could I not love what I do when I am provided experiences such as this?

When I got in the car, I played that song again and it had even more meaning than it ever. I'm not sure I'll ever hear it again and not think about this family and the service and love that they showed for their brother.

Lucky are we that have siblings.

Here are the lyrics.

Whenever You're In Trouble
Lyrics - Donny Osmond
Album - What I Meant To Say

Tell me from the heart
in your eyes I see the pain
It’s tearing you apart
let me take it all away
You know someone believes in you
when they love you no matter what you do
You know you are home
and you're not alone

Whenever you're in trouble,
whenever you may need me
I will fight for you,
I will help you through
Whenever life’s deceiving
I'll give you new meaning
No matter where you are,
you're always in my heart
Whenever you're in trouble I will be right here

Sometimes you're gonna find
nothing goes the way you planned
But whatever’s on your mind
I will try to understand
You know someone is by your side
when they help you through the darkest night
You know you are home
and you're not alone.

Now's the time
to share what you're feeling inside
No matter how long it takes
no matter how many mistakes
Oh, now’s the time
to reach and you will find
that whenever you need me to care
I'll always be there

Whenever you're in trouble,
whenever you may need me
I will fight for you,
I will help you through
Whenever life’s deceiving
I'll give you new meaning
No matter where you are,
you're always in my heart
Whenever you're in trouble I will be right here

I love you bro and sis....

BJ comes home tonight and I couldn't be more excited. I had made lots of plans to do all kinds of *great* things and have done very few of those items on my list. In case you're wondering.....

Eat stinky food? Nope
Interview and hire a pool boy? Nope, but then again, we don't have a pool.
Lots of reality TV? Only two shows. TWO. Sheesh.. I'm a failure.
Work on MIL's site? Nope
Eat really garlicky, stinky things? Nope
Leave my flattening iron and makeup on the bathroom counter? Yes
Leave the bed unmade? Sort of....
Eat popcorn for dinner and chase it down with a diet rootbeer? Once

Instead I worked overtime and burned some new CD mixes. I even made a special CD mix of love songs for BJ because, well, I'm a big pile of goo.



And now for your cheesy pleasure, here's the list of songs on his CD:

1. Nothing I've Ever Known (Bryan Adams)


2. Valentine (Martina McBride)


3. Bless the Broken Road (Rascal Flatts)


4. Have You Ever Been in Love (Celine Dion)


5. I Will Always Return (Bryan Adams)


6. Always and Forever (Luther Vandross)


7. Amazed (Lone Star)


8. For the First Time (Kenny Loggins)


9. I Could Not Ask for More (Edwin McCaine)


10. Forever (Kenny Loggins)


11. The Way You Love Me (Faith Hill)


12. I'll Be (Edwin McCain)


13. When I Said I Do (Clint Black and Lisa Hartman) (Our wedding song!)


14. A Groovy Kind of Love (Phil Collins)

I dunno... I think I might have a crush on my husband.

So, what would be on the soundtrack for the one that you love? If you haven't made that soundtrack yet, what are you waiting for?

I can't believe that it's already been a year and I am amazed at how happy I am, how happy we are together.

You were a gift to me, honey. I firmly believe that our relationship is a result of all of the hard work I did to make myself a complete and whole human being the two years before we met. I know that you and I differ in our feelings of spirituality, but you never disrespect anything that I believe. That bodes well for you, because you are a direct result of the intention behind all of this hard work. My intent was that after taking a one year dating sabbatical I'd never make a wrong choice about men again. You see, I'd made some doozy's and I had to take responsibility for the fact that I was the common denominator. Therefore, working on myself without the distraction of men was the only way I'd get myself out of that cycle. When I stepped gingerly into the dating pool, I met lots of nice men but when they asked me out again I was literally overcome with nausea. I thought that to be a sign that I still wasn't ready to date so decided that I needed to get back to work. But my friend said she had someone she wanted me to meet, and that was you. I really didn't want to, because I thought I wasn't ready yet. But she insisted. So, I agreed with the understanding that she'd have to come along on the date too. Yeah, you got a lot of mileage out of that one. A date with TWO women. You were quite a rooster that night.

When you called me to ask me out on a second date, the funniest thing happened. I felt fine. I didn't want to throw up (and boy do I like telling people that you were the first man that didn't make me want to throw up.) We went on that second date, then a third, and well, I guess you know how the story goes.

I remember about four months or so into knowing each other, you found out that you were going to move to a state thousands of miles away. I felt panicked and afraid that I'd lose you. We had some very difficult conversations over the next few days and had a difficult time concentrating on anything. That is, until I sat back and thought about things. I knew that I did all that work, and so I knew that if you really were 'the one', then it would all work out. That always got me back on track mentally and I was able to put the fear at rest. I wasn't sure that you were 'the one' at that time, but I was so sure of my knowledge that if it didn't work out for us, then you weren't the right one. Knowing this; no, being certain of this, got me through that rough period of time.

Things worked out and you were able to stay here. We got closer and closer and then you popped the question. There were a lot of 'close calls' in my head. "Hey, let's get dressed up and go to "x" (an upscale restaurant) turned into "hey, he's going to propose tonight" in my head. That happened about three times. Oh, if you only knew at the time how I hung on every word trying to figure out how you were going to make it a segue into that magical question. I'd always laugh at myself at the end of the evening when it didn't happen. Geez, I can be such a girl sometimes.

The night you popped the question? Yeah. Now THAT was romantic. I was in my sweats and sweatshirt and no makeup and we were watching some show on the TiVo. Suddenly you paused the TiVo:: PAUSED THE TiVo!::, you got down on your knee and asked me to marry you. Whaaaaaat? I thought you were joking so I told you to shut up and quit teasing me. Come to think of it, that wasn't very romantic of me either. But you were insistent. And so, we were engaged.

I don't know too many men who had to plan their wedding with out much help from the 'bride', but you did. I guess that you knew that if you didn't plan it, then it'd never get done because every time I tried to do it, I became afraid and couldn't follow through with it. I know that hurt your feelings, but hopefully I was able to finally convince you that it had nothing to do with you. I was just so petrified of the idea of standing up in front of so many people and share with everyone this deep feeling that I had for you. I am so private with my feelings, and the ones that I feel the most I tend to want to hold close to my heart and keep sacred. I would have been happy to get married in front of a Justice of the Peace. Just me and you.

The day we got married I was shaking so hard that I could hardly put on my makeup. You were so kind and gentle with me that day, and kept assuring me that it was going to be OK. And it was. When we stood together in front of the man who married us, I was completely unaware of the family and friends who came to witness our wedding. It's as if it was just you and me and the minister in a large bubble. He said some wonderful things, but all I really remember is looking at you and thinking how much I loved you and how right this felt to me. There is a picture from that day, my favorite, where you are on your knee and I'm looking down at you. You tease me and say that I only like it because you are down on your knee, but that's not true. I love that picture because I can see the happiness radiating all around me, a reflection of the sheer joy I had in now being married to a man that I loved so much. Sheer joy in knowing that I really was with "the one".

There are so many favorite parts to my day, and they all include you.

One of my favorites are mornings. When wake up in the morning and have that first ten minutes or so of cuddling without words, and also when you kiss me goodbye. You may not realize you do this, but when I lean over your chair to kiss you goodbye, you hug my feet with your feet. It makes me smile to think about how loved that makes me feel.

Then when you come home from work. Your eyes are so full of love and your arms are so inviting. I love that you don't just hug me and kiss me. You hug and hug and hug me and kiss and kiss and kiss me.

Even watching TV with you is one of my favorite things. It really doesn't matter what's on TV, even though you usually let me pick. Just sitting next to you with your arm around me is enough. I'll even watch football, just so I can sit with your arm around me.

My absolute favorite part of the day is when we go to bed. The last few minutes of cuddling before we say goodnight makes me feel so safe. I've become like Pavlov's dog and have a difficult time going to sleep without it. It's one of the things I really don't like when you're gone on your business trips.

But then there is the reward at the end of your business trip. When I pick you up from the airport and you see me, your entire countenance changes. Your body softens and I see the love on your face. It makes your being gone all worthwhile just to witness those few seconds.

My boys liked you from the very start. As they've come to know you, they've really grown to love and respect you. I can't believe how much you are like my youngest son. I mean no disrespect to his father, but it's almost as if he has your gene pool in him and you raised him. I'm not the only one who has noticed this, and I know he takes pride in being compared to you. I love watching the way you interact with my boys and I think you would have made a great dad, if you could have had children of your own. Perhaps it's because you had such wonderful examples in your parents.

I knew we were forever the first time you told me that I was the first person you've ever been with that you could visualize being old together. I was the same way. I could never visualize myself being old with my first husband or any of the men I've dated. I've always assumed that it was some strange premonition that I was going to die young. But now I have hope that I will live a very long life with you by my side.

I can imagine sitting with you on the porch watching the sun set. I can imagine you being a wonderful grandpa to my boys' children. You have a really great "grandpa" laugh that always gives me a mental picture of you sitting with 'our' grandchildren tugging at your beard. It's a wonderful image and one I can't wait to see.

When I'm having a bad day at work, which seems to be often these days, you treat me with such kindness and gentleness. The note you sent me the other day when I thanked you for taking such good care of me said it all, "Of course, that is absolutely my pleasure. You do so many things for me that I jump at the chances I get to take care of you." Instead of, "I'm doing this for you so you'd BETTER do that for me", we've always lived our lives of just wanting to do things for each other. There has never been any "you owe me" in our relationship. We just truly enjoy doing things for each other. I look around and think that the world would be a better place if everyone lived by this rule.

You are so careful with me when little bits of baggage from past relationships come creeping up. You seem to intuitively know the right thing to say and do to assuage my fears. I know that eventually those fears will go away, but in the meantime I'm so happy that you understand that it has nothing to do with you. That just tells me how right we are for each other.

Even though this love I have for you is so deep that my inclination is to hold it private in my heart, today is a day that I want to shout it from the rooftops. I love you honey and am thankful that you were brought in to my life. We have a beautiful life together, and I know that we'll continue to have a beautiful life as long as we both shall live.

I have much to blog about in regard the trip we were on last weekend (accommodations, blunders, etc.) but I first wanted to write about my brother. Because he was the purpose of the trip, after all.

My brother and I are just over 18 months apart, and in case you're wondering we've both agreed that he's the oldest even though our birth certificates might suggest otherwise. As with most siblings that close in age, we've had our share of causing each other bumps and bruises, physically and emotionally. The teen years had me completely convinced and hopeful that eventually we'd part ways and never have to speak to each other again. I'm sure glad I was wrong about that.

At some point our relationship started moving back to the way it was when we were very little. The word 'adore' comes to mind.



I do adore my brother and I often wish I could place a HUGE protective bubble around him so no physical or emotional harm ever comes to him. I also wish that he was readily accessible to me whenever I feel like having a yack fest over coffee with him. Last weekend reminded me of how much I really enjoy his company, how fun talking to him can be, and how much I love him. Somehow it's just not the same over the phone.

BJ, his mom and I flew out to see my brother play a lead role in a musical. He auditioned for the play on a dare from his drama teacher who said that she'd give extra credit for anyone that auditioned. Not being one to pass up an opportunity, he auditioned and what do you know.. he got the male lead role.

When he walked out on stage, I was absolutely mesmerized by him and moved to tears several times when he sang. I was just.that.proud. I realize that I'm his sister, but he had such a presence on the stage. My tears were tears of pure joy because I saw his passion and I was reminded of how truly talented he is. I am so glad that he's considering following this passion because he hasn't been in a play since before he joined the army twenty-some years ago and I think he might have forgotten how wonderful this creative outlet is for him. I'm so glad he's like me and can't turn down extra credit.

After the play, he came to our hotel room and shared a impromptu meal of wine and cheese as we talked about the play and the philosophy of life. We covered quite a few topics that night, and there could be no doubt at the end of the night about how we feel about each other. It was wonderful that we both felt comfortable enough to be ourselves and share several emotionally intimate moments in front of BJ and his mom. I'm so glad they are so accepting of us (emotions and all), because the gift they gave us was an evening I will treasure for a long time.

When my brother told us how much it meant to have us in the audience supporting him, it felt good. It feels good to know that our being there made a difference to him and that he felt supported by us. It's all about that protective bubble in the end. Although I can't really place a protective bubble around him, there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for my brother and the best part about it is, he KNOWS it.