Mush

...or something like that.

I was watching the Valentines day Oprah on TiVo today and she was discussing the first kiss with her guests, Angela Bassett and her husband, Courtney B. Vance. When Angela was talking about how that first kiss with Courtney felt, I sorta kinda went back in time to the first kiss with the bearded eye-roller. They said that you never forget that first kiss with your significant other, and I agree.

I've completely forgotten the first kiss with any previous relationships, not that I'm trying to remember, except for my first kiss EVER. It was with the brother of someone that I had a HUGE crush on. What a hussy!

BER and I had gone on SEVERAL dates over a period of almost three months, with not even as much as hand holding. I was beginning to wonder what his deal was, but I certainly wasn't going to be the one to make that move first. I didn't call guys nor did I ask anyone out on dates, so there was no way I was going to make the first PHYSICAL move. It was just one of my silly rules.

One night he came to my place for dinner and brought movies with him. We sat through Amelie (don't remember it) and then Stargate (the movie). Funny, but I don't remember that movie either because there was a different 'energy' in the room that night and I couldn't concentrate.

During the second movie, he finally built up the nerve to put his arm around my shoulders, and he rubbed his fingers on the back of my neck. Once he started doing that, I had a feeeeeeeeeellllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg that the kiss was inevitable and since all that time had gone by between us, it made me VERY nervous.

I was nervous because I'd built it up so much in my head. I mean, come on- here was this REALLY attractive man hanging out with me and I imagined I'd get that elusive kiss after every date. Of course, I'd refuse it the first or second date.

OK, maybe only the first.

Anyhoo, the movie ended, and we sat on the couch talking. That's when it happened. He leaned in; I held my breath, and then we kissed.

I remember feeling that tingle from my scalp, down to my toes, but also surprised at how natural it felt. After we kissed, I remember that I looked him square in the eye and said, "wow". I meant every letter of that three letter word.

Hmmmm, maybe I should have gone for a bigger word, like yowza.

I still feel that tingle from head to toe when he kisses me. I honestly do.

I hope I never EVER forget that first kiss. It was a long time coming, but definitely worth the wait.

What was YOUR first kiss with your S/O like? If you write about it in your blog, let me know so I can go read it! I'm in a sappy mood today.

The bearded eye-roller and I have had a pretty tough couple of months, but it looks like things are settling down. BER isn't completely in the clear with his 'situation' (apologies for the vague nature, but you know how it is with employers...), but it's better than it was.

As mentioned in a previous post, it was bad timing that both of us were hit at the same time with some fairly huge issues. But the Pollyanna in me- who always looks for the bright side of things, feels so blessed that we were able to prove to each other that we are a team. No.Matter.What. No matter how upsetting our day was, we still made time to LISTEN to each other, while sitting on our bench on the back porch. Once we talked everything out, we put the day behind us and went on to enjoy our evening. With each other.

I can still say that we never once snapped at each other. We just hung on to each other and hoped for the best.

.....I think we're going to make it.

No- I *know* we will make it, because we're both scrappers and we'll do what it takes to ensure we keep what we have. I'm not only talking about our home, but I'm talking about something more important to both of us... our relationship.

About a week into all of this, I was listening to a compilation of love songs I'd made for BER about a year ago. On the CD, is the song we had played at our wedding. It was meaningful to us then, but I think it means even more now- if you listen to the words. It packed quite a punch when I listened to it on my way home from work. I've been formulating this video in my head since then, but had to wait because, ummmm, I've been sorta busy.

Without further adieu..

I don't even know how to begin this post. I've written the first line several times and can't seem to come up with "it". "It" being that one statement that says everything about you.

Watching you at your birthday party last night, I was simply floored by your beauty- inside and out. I kept thinking about how lucky my son must feel every single day that you are once again in his life. Of course, I don't have to wonder how he feels because he's so dumb-struck in love with you, a perfect stranger on the street could see it a mile away. References to his Italian Princess, as he likes to call you, are scattered all throughout his poetry- even during the time that you weren't together.

It was so difficult to be fair to anyone else that my son dated in the five years you weren't together- because they weren't you. Nobody else could have ever filled your shoes. I tried to convince myself to just 'let it go', but everyone who knew me, knew that you would always be my sweet girl.

I'm awe-struck at the person you've become. I've always loved you and thought you were wonderful, but how is it that you continue to outshine yourself? You will graduate with your MBA at the ripe ol' age of 25. How many people can say that? You have a career ahead of you that is enviable. Your beauty? Well, you simply glow. It's impossible to look at you and not smile.

What makes you so wonderful, over and above all of that, is that you are so keenly aware of what's really important. It took me a long time to get to the awareness that I've found today- at almost twice your age. You seem to be already there.

My heart almost burst with pride last night as you were telling me why you were GLAD you broke your ankle. You said that having to go places in a wheelchair made you so much more aware of how blessed you are. Of course, that's wonderful and not a surprise- but I was even more happy to hear you say that it taught you to ask for help.

Sweetheart, that is HUGE. My son told me that even though you were on crutches, you still insisted on carrying your own things and tried to open your own doors. At one point, things started slipping from your arms, and you dropped everything. That's when you sat on the ground and cried. Soon after he told me this story, I told my husband that this was going to be a very hard, but important lesson for you.

I *know* that you're just like me in that regard. You are independent and do not want to feel that you need to rely on anyone else for ANYTHING. You've been this way as long as I've known you, and I know exactly why you're like this. You are used to being the one to care for everyone around you, and it's difficult to give that up.

I hope you know, beyond a doubt, that I want to be your soft place to land. You have my son, of course, and I know that he would move the earth and the sun for you. You also have your dad who, as I watch him look after you and your sister so protectively, is a WONDERFUL father. You and your sister would not be the women that you are, without his influence and sacrifices. The more I get to know him, the more I see what a good man he is.

But I also want to make sure that you know that there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. You've always felt like a daughter to me and you know how fiercely I love my children.

You are loved by so many, sweet girl. That says so much about you.

I am grateful for the day you were born, because it is the day that one of the most beautiful people I've ever met was brought into this world.

I miss you too.

I heard this poem yesterday and every bit of it made me think of you, especially now that we aren't able to spend as much time together.

i carry your heart with me
ee cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Today you are 25 years old. I have no idea how this happened, considering the fact that I'm only 36 (SHUT IT!). I guess I was a precocious 11 year old.

I hope that if/when your brother reads this, he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have a very special bond with him as well. It's just that today is your birthday and I can't help but reflect on your remarkable being.

I realize that I'm your mother, and so that makes me a wee bit prejudiced when it comes to my opinion of you. But dammit! I'm right. You are simply an amazing human being. I knew it from the moment I met you, and I know it now more and more with each opportunity I have to talk with you.

Sure, there was a time when I truly believed you were the spawn of Satan (no offence to your dad.. har har) and I worried that the beautiful soul that I knew you to be would never come back. Now I wish I'd of not tormented myself so much with worry, because you did break free from whatever it was that was holding your soul hostage. You are once again, you.

There are so many things I wish I'd of done differently in the way I parented you. But one thing I know that I did right, was to teach you good values. I can not think of a single person who could argue that you are a kind and gentle person; and that you would never purposefully cause anyone harm.

When we get to talking about philosophy, as we did last Sunday, I'm struck with how alike we are. I'm sure that shouldn't be a big surprise, since I was the one that raised you, but I know *exactly* what you feel about things because it's how I feel too. I know that when you agree with something that I feel passionate about (you name it; world peace, justice, fairness, etc.) you're not just giving me lip service. You feel it too. You give me a lot of hope for your generation. I hope that there are a lot more of you; people with thoughts beyond their own lives. People who want a better world.

Your life keeps getting better and better, and the idea of that makes me almost giddy. The best part right now? You are with a wonderful woman- someone that I've loved and admired for as long as I've known her. She is beautiful inside and out- just like you. My God, the thought of you two and what you have to offer- together- it's just amazing.

This picture of you two at her senior prom is one of my favorites. I saved it even after you two broke up. Seven years was a long time for me (who cares about you- it's all about me) to wait for you two to get back together, don't you think?



Last Friday, when we got together with her family, her dad leaned over to me and said, "Don't they look good together?" Of course, I said yes- but what I thought was, "They're breathtaking". You've heard it many times, that you have "movie star" looks. But I think a lot of it is your spirit shining through. Both of you. I don't give a lot of credence to external beauty, but the two of you practically glow. If you two have children together, we'll have to keep them under lock and key (kind of like Suri Cruise... heh).

You amaze me with the talents that you've been given. Is there *anything* you can't do? You're a gifted artist, musician, AND poet. You've won the lottery, honey. I've often pondered about people born with many creative talents and I've come to the conclusion that along with these gifts, comes a very sensitive and tender heart. I know your heart, and it proves my point. I don't want you to ever become hard-hearted, but do try to place some protection around it. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

I've always excelled and done remarkably well in my career. I also feel that I'm doing good things with my volunteer work. But all of that pales in importance to me when I think about the true gifts I've given to this world. You and your brother are the accomplishments I'm most proud of in my life.

I know you still haven't sorted out exactly what you want to do in life, and that's OK. I still don't know and I'm ummm... 36- yeah, that's right- 36. I think you're going to be like me- go from one thing to another- and just build on the skills and talents that you have been given. You and I are free spirits and that lends to a life full of adventure and mystery. Aren't we lucky?

As long as you have one foot firmly planted where your family (present and future) is, it's OK to have the other foot in an unwritten book. And a very good book, I'm sure it will be.

I love you honey. I love you so much that my heart feels like it will burst whenever I think about it.

Twenty five years ago was when my life truly started.