The bearded eye-roller

I’m definitely in my anger phase with the broken face. I’m angry at the original physician that told me that “some people are just fainters” and sent me on my way to two more head injuries. It was her associate that sent me to the cardiologist when I went after the face bonk feeling like ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

BJ had surgery yesterday and it took three hours instead of two, on top of an alarm I heard while in the cafeteria "code red- second floor surgery". I didn't know what code red was, but I knew that's where my husband was, so I threw my lunch in the garbage and raced to the second floor. Turns out that code red is for fire- and it was a false alarm. BJ is fine, by the way. Very sore, but fine.

Yesterday was a really bad fainty day for me and I'm sure it was due to stress and the coffee (not decaf!) I had. Twice, if I'm being honest. I kept starting to black out several times and had to quickly sit down so I didn’t bonk my head in the hospital. Last night at home was particularly bad. I was continually starting to black out so much that it took me about five minutes before I could get up off the floor without fainting. Poor BJ was freaking out that I was going to hit my head and there would be nothing he could do about it. He shouldn't have to deal with that in his condition.

Where am I going with this? I’m a little bit angry at the cardiologist for giving me a 6 month wait and see after being on less stress (not right now! Have I mentioned my deadlines?) and no caffeine (not yesterday!) instead of putting me on medication. My bad for the caffiene, but I can't eliminate stress.

I saw my neurologist on Monday (she’s every 90 days), I told her about the tachycardia diagnosis. She asked if he put me on medication and she raised her eyebrows and said, “does he realize you’ve had THREE head injuries in the past two years?” So, now I feel stupid about not reminding the cardiologist about the head injuries. Maybe that was buried down in the file and he didn’t remember. I should have mentioned it.

I’m angry at the first facial surgeon who didn’t do the right thing in the first place- giving me 7 months of daily pain. I’m angry at her for not doing follow up CT scans when I went back to her telling her that things didn’t feel right.

I’m angry at myself for having white coat syndrome and not confronting these doctors when something was telling me that I was right and they were wrong. I'm angry that I'm not even 50 years old (OK, I'm close- shaddup) and I have all these issues going on. My neurologist confirmed with me that yes, at the two year mark- I shouldn't expect any more improvement than I have now. She said that I've been lucky that the last two head bonks didn't cause more brain damage and told me that it's very dangerous for me to hit my head.

Ummm yeah. I know.

Believe me when I say that I know it could be worse. I'm not dying, although there are days that I don't particularly enjoy being alive. Yup, I said it. Nope, I'm not suicidal. Just tired of living with this. All of this. I'm sick of doctors and sick of being in pain. And angry. Did I mention angry? Wow, I'm fun.

Maybe I'm just having an off day because I'm overwhelmed with lots of stuff.

Tomorrow is the six month follow up bi-lateral MRI to make sure the suspicious lesions were innocuous. I'm sure you ladies will know of which I speak, so we'll leave it at that. That better damn-well turn out fine. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I'd better get back to work, which is what I'm trying to do while BJ sleeps. He's not a bad patient, bless his heart, but I am at his beck and call. (what does beck stand for, anyway?)

Ack! I can't believe I let our five year anniversary pass by without even a mention! That's just how romantic I am. Bleh....

Anyhoo....

We've closed down our personal accounts and no longer get an allowance. Everything comes out of joint funds (there goes my personal massages from Enrique...), so we mention when we're about to make a purchase over 25.00 to each other before we do it. I'm sure we'll go back to having allowances after we're both bringing in the bacon (which is good, because then I can sneak Enrique back in...)

Here's today's conversation about a purchase BJ would like to make:

BJ: I would like to get some new golf shoes. Mine are over three years old. It would also be nice to get some more comfortable for walking the course, as I have been lately. The ones I have are more for being waterproof.

Should be between $50-100. Maybe a little more, depending on the sale.

Me: Do you have any other qualifiers? Seems that I’m the *BDM and I’d like more evidence of **ROI.

BJ: No payoff or ROI. Purely a cost model, not offset by revenue of any kind. .......smarty pants

It looks like Lori needs to get a JOB.

For the non-business types
*business decision maker
**return on investment

Whatchoo lookin' at?


I've been away for a while. I think I don't feel like writing when I'm down because I feel like such a whiner. Yes, I know I have a lot to whine about, but I also have a lot to be grateful for. I truly do believe that, even if I'm depressed.

I *know* in my heart that I wasn't let go because I was a bad employee. It still feels awful. I didn't think it would, but it does. I've received email from people I've worked with along the way that have written things like:

I still cannot believe any company that knew what it was doing would let you go. You were one the best processors I ever had, and other people I knew have said so many good things about you, I'm still amazed. I tried e-mailing you at work for the heck of it, and getting your out of office reply made it sink in that all these changes are real. It isn't [name of evil empire] without you.

I kind of need to hear stuff like that right now, ya know?

Anywhocares, on to this and that:

• Einstein continues to be adorable and smart. We 'think' he's potty trained, but still keep a close eye on him. He’s 9 weeks old and knows the following commands:
  
  Sit, Stay, Fetch, Lay Down, Look at me, Leave it (put a treat in front of him and make him wait until I say OK), and Don’t Bite (a very important one- my hands have become hamburger). Here's evidence of most of it.
  
  Sorry bro, potty talk- avert your eyes! Einstein has designated the herb garden as his potty ground of choice. The upside to this is that he smells herbal fresh after he does his business. The downside is that we won't ever use THOSE herbs for cooking. I never really did anyway. I was always in fear that the deer used it as a potty ground too.


• BJ and I went to a TOTALLY LAME job fair yesterday. Even lamer is that it was a 'together' thing. I never thought we'd ever go to a job fair together. We saw news cameras there and they panned past us. I'm really surprised they didn't focus on me. Sheesh. That could have been my big break, being a previous Little Miss America contender and all. I was having a GREAT hair day, I'll have to admit. I got several compliments from the folks I talked to at the fair. Too bad nobody was really hiring or interviewing people with great hair.
  
  The job fair consisted of people standing in their booth, not taking resumes, handing out their job openings on a sheet of paper (mostly sales, even Avon was there!) and telling everyone to go to their website to apply online.
  
  Why oh why did I dress for success? People were there in sweats and flip flops. I might as well have done that too. Nah- you'll never see me in public in sweat pants (well, except for the time I broke my face. I was so out of it, I didn't have time to do my hair or get dressed up to go to the ER.)
  
  I did coax some training vendor information from one of the health care organizations, because I also plan to add HIPAA to my list of training resources. It wasn't a total bust in that regard.
  
  BJ and I then drowned our sorrows at Dairy Queen. He got a burger and I got a shake. I don't think this no-chew diet is producing any weight loss because of my choices, but at least I'm a cheap date


• I canceled my cardiologist appointment because there's some confusion about our COBRA benefits. I'm sure it'll be worked out eventually, but I don't need the stress of wondering if several thousand dollars of tests won't be reimbursed, thankyouverymuch. I'm just going to have to wrap myself in bubblewrap and wear a helmet for the time being.


• BJ and I are getting on each others' nerves a little bit, which is completely understandable. We haven't upped the ante to poking each other in the eye yet, so I think we'll be OK. We've been tossing out snippy statements, but then apologizing about 10 minutes later. I think my constant need to pick things up and put them away is really nerve wracking to him, and his 'leave it to put away later" is nerve wracking to me. If that's our greatest marital issue during this horribly scary time, then I think our marriage is on safe ground. I hope with everything I have that this will be the time we look back on as the worst we've ever had, but survived it just fine. Please hope that for us too.

So that just about sums up my life these past few days. I am 'bout due for a good solid cry, so maybe I'll find a movie to help it along a little.

...or am I? Since I now work for myself, am I unemployed because I'm not working? Confused? Yeah, me too.

My last day at work was the 29th of January (last Thursday). It was a surreal experience, to say the least. It still is. I think the most strange part about that day was when I turned in my laptop. There were three full days to turn in laptops to one conference room. I think there were 1500 of us being laid off that day, and so the line was long. There I was in line with many other people holding our laptops waiting our turn to give them up. We all knew that everyone in line was losing their job that day and the looks on all the faces could only be described as blank. Nobody was talking, nobody was looking at each other.

I was kind of a jerk and left the office quietly without saying goodbye except for the four co-workers I went to lunch with. I knew that saying goodbye would just make me cry, so I avoided it.

BJ's still job hunting. Nobody's biting yet. We're going together to a job fair on Wednesday, so maybe that will help. I don't plan to get a real job- just want to consult, but still there might be some good opportunities for meeting potential clients there.

OOOhhhh that reminds me- I need to make a hair appointment. Yikes is all I'm going to say about that.

Michael, my brother, told me that I'm no longer allowed to talk about Einstein's potty habits on my blog. I'll stop after this- he's now trained to ring a bell hanging on the door when he wants to go outside. Half of the time it's because he wants to play outside, but he always 'goes' when he's out. OK, no more potty talk. Sorry, bro'.

I guess I'd better start putting together my new business site so I can say I'm employed, eh? Man, my new employer is awfully pushy. Can't a girl take a break?

BJ found out this morning that the manager who let him go decided that he wanted to move here and has taken BJ's job. NOW everything makes complete sense. I think this makes BJ feel a little better about the situation because he was really questioning himself. If you were to see his recommendations on Linked In, you'd think he walked on water and he has no business questioning himself. His reputation speaks for itself.

The way he handled this news also reinforces how alike we are. He said that he's not angry with his previous manager about being let go so his manager could take his place. He understands that there really *IS* something out there better for him and he's not going to dwell on the negative.

Who married the right guy? Yup, that'd be me.

In head-bonking news, I've decided it's time to get to the bottom of this fainting stuff. Especially since I've had many "almost" episodes every day. As I've mentioned before, my regular doctor is on maternity leave until the Spring- so I made an appointment with one of her associates. Last time my doctor and I talked about this, I got the "well, some people are fainters- it appears that you're one of them" and a hand out about fainting.

With the amount of damage I've done to myself over the years, and how it's really stepped up in the past two years, I want something done about it. I hate the idea of taking even more meds, but I'll do it if it will keep me from taking another dive.

My appointment is at 3:30 today, so I'll let y'all know how that goes.