The bearded eye-roller

I am not someone who believes in coincidence; I believe that many things happen because that's the way they're supposed to happen. The following story is a perfect example. I didn't post it at the time because I was keeping my father-in-law's illness out of my blog. He read my blog when he was alive and I didn't want him to have to face my thoughts about it.

I have a set of friends ("Bob" and "Ann", and now, their partners) that I've known for almost 20 years. They were my lifeline's when I was going through my divorce 15 years ago, and we've all been there for each other through things that life hands out. We don't see each other now more than once a year, because we are all just so busy. We keep in contact via email for the most part. They hadn't yet met BJ so we decided it was time. We started planning this dinner about four months ago, but had to keep canceling due to one circumstance or another. Finally the date was set for this past January 30th.

On the way to dinner I shared with BJ the fact that Bob lost his dad to emphysema on 12/26, just three weeks prior. I assured him that they knew nothing about his father, so this is not a topic that he needed to worry about talking about if he didn't want to.

We all got caught up and I asked Bob how he was doing after the loss of his dad. He shared the up's and down's and brought up Hospice and said how important it was that Hospice was there. He shared how it went at the end, and it was almost identical to BJ's dad. The family had NO idea how sick Bob's dad was until the very very end. Bob shared that he and his brother were holding their dad's hand when he passed on, and it was a really beautiful thing for them.

Ann, my other friend, then shared that her dad was just put into Hospice and shared the circumstances behind that. BJ put his hand on my knee and I knew right then, that this was going to be good for him.

To my surprise (because he's such a private person), BJ brought up his dad. He shared what had been happening, and my friends just listened. BJ asked questions of Bob because his story was so similar to what BJ was going through at that time. There were a few tears at the table that night, but surprisingly, the tears were tears of empathy from those listening to the stories of others. Not from the person telling their story.

On the way home, BJ kept saying how he couldn't get over the timing of all of this and how important it was to hear all of this. We'd planned this dinner before Bob's dad died, and certainly before BJ's dad got the prognosis. We didn't know anything about Ann and her dad. This was just the exact right time.

In addition to the sharing such personal emotional things, we laughed. We sometimes laughed so loud that people looked at us but we didn't care!

In the end, BJ told my friends that he felt that he'd made some really good friends, and they all said that they all now had a built in support system. They decided to call themselves the "Hospice club" and planned our next get together for April, and will be getting together bi-monthly from now on.

In this past month, BJ lost his dad and I got word today that Ann, the remaining member of the "Hospice club" lost her dad this weekend.

I have a feeling that the next time we get together, all of the dads will be 'with' us and laughing right along side of us. We may not hear that laughter, but it'll be there.

I'll bet that title got the attention of family and friends.

NO worries friends and family... there'll be no new family members. This contraction reference is in regard to writing.

BJ came to me one day saying that he felt that his intention was often misunderstood when communicating through e-mail. I decided to be straight-up honest with him and told him that I felt it was because his writing came across as sounding mean. After getting that puzzled look, I explained to him that even though I know that he's not upset with me, just the mere fact that he doesn't use contractions makes it seem as if he's annoyed.

I said that this was probably why people often thought he was being mean, and well, condescending. I'm sure I wasn't the only one who thought this after reading an otherwise innocent e-mail. Only, I know better because he's never condescending to me in person. Some of these people have never talked with him in person, only via e-mail.

I guess he must have shared what I said with a few people at work because he forward this email to me:

"Thanks! I noticed you used a contraction in your e-mail. The wife must be getting through to you!"

Yup. Must be....

Yesterday was our first married Valentines day, so I decided to make hubby a steak and lobster dinner, topped off with a bottle of his favorite wine. I bought everything on Sunday, and told him what he had to look forward to. It was then that he reminded me that he had some corporate types visiting from out of town and would have to wine and dine them at dinner on Valentines day. I was *THE* understanding wife about the whole thing, even though secretly I hoped that the corporate types would burn their tounges on their dinner for taking BJ away from me on this special day.

I decided that since he probably wouldn't be home until late I'd forgo the makeup and hair and put on my sweats after my shower. I also had a GREAT BIG sandwich that included lots of smelly ingredients (like onions) at about 4:30.

I got a call at 5:10 pm from BJ. "Don't eat", he said, "I'm almost home and I'm starving. Let's eat!"

Apparently the corporate types felt bad about scheduling a dinner on Valentines day so told him that they'd have dinner without him and sent him home.

So, there I was, 5 minutes until BJ was due home, looking like a slob, had onion breath (that a bottle of listerine would never cure) and I was full. I decided to pretend that I hadn't eaten because I didn't want him to feel bad about the last minute notice.

Three bites into the meal I had to confess because I thought I'd burst.

How romantic.... Sweats, onion breath, no makeup and bed head. Hopefully, he was blinded by the extra lobster on his plate.

My husband's father passed away about four hours ago. You may be wondering why I'm blogging about it and not sitting by my husband's side.

....I wish I could be by his side right now.

My husband left on a business trip this morning. He's in another state and can't get home until tomorrow morning. It's a small state and the airport is closed for the night. He missed the last flight out by 15 minutes. So, my sweet husband is in a strange city, left to deal with the passing of his dad all by himself.

I'm heartbroken for him. I want to hold him and comfort him but I can't. I literally ache for him right now. His dad was so special to him.

His dad was a special man to everyone that knew him. I can't begin to count the number of times I've heard people say "he's my hero" about this man. But his biggest fan was his son; my husband.

This has been a strange journey for me, a Hospice volunteer. I've never experienced death up close and personal, except through my Hospice volunteer experiences. My very special Aunt died suddenly in her sleep which is a whole different experience. And it was also an experience that I deal with a lot better. It's more difficult for me to see people I love in pain than to experience it myself.

My husband's dad didn't die suddenly; at least not until the end. In respect for my husband's privacy I won't go into detail, but being a Hospice volunteer did not give me any advantages. It was almost a disadvantage for me because I saw things I didn't want to see. I knew things I didn't want to know. I knew things my husband's family didn't want to know. On one hand I wanted to tell my husband what I felt was happening because I didn't want him to be sideswiped. On the other hand, I'm not a doctor and I am not an expert on dying. After all, I could have been wrong about what I saw. So I kept quiet and had to watch it all play out.

I am not sure that it was a blessing in disguise, but my father-in-law didn't realize how sick he was until he received a questionnaire in the mail from his medical center asking if he felt his doctor was dealing with his fatal illness properly (I'm paraphrasing.) My father-in-law was surprised to hear his illness described in this manner. He never really thought of fact that he had a fatal illness. This happened in December. I was appalled that he had to find out in this way.

The next time he went to the doctor, he was told, "Well, I assumed you knew". Then gave him a prognosis of 2-3 years. My father-in-law told us all that he 'knew' the doctor was just being cautious and told us all that he felt he had another 10 years left.

I knew better, but I gave him the respect and dignity of having his own reality.

Although my husband saw his dad just about every day after that, I only visited on weekends. About three weeks ago, I saw signs of end-stage. This is where I don't like being a Hospice volunteer. I saw things that nobody around me saw. I wrote an email the next day suggesting that they ask their doctor about getting a visiting nurse or something, "just to help out". I was given an emphatic "NO!". I beat myself up for days about that. It wasn't up to me to try to change their reality. Two days later they went to the doctor and the prognosis was moved up to "weeks, maybe months". Then the doctor suggested Hospice. They gave him the same answer as they gave me.

Ironically, this day was the same day I finished my grief and bereavement training with Hospice. I have to wonder about the timing in all of this. This journey I chose for myself would start right here in my own home.

We visited two weekends ago and I knew that he'd not see the end of February. This is really hard information to keep to oneself. Yet again, my suspicions were confirmed the following Monday when they went back to the doctor. His prognosis was moved up to "days, maybe weeks". The doctor insisted on Hospice, and they finally agreed.

It's almost as if once he found out that he was dying, he let go. He lost his will.

We saw him again on Saturday and I knew he'd be gone within days.

Again, I was right. Today was the day.

So, all this time, unless asked, I never shared what I knew with my husband or his father (or step-mother), but I did share with my husband's mother. I shared all of it with her. There were days that we wrote email to each other at least twice a day. It's been so wonderful to have her there to listen to me and assure me that I was doing the right things for my husband. I needed to hear that from someone who knows and loves my husband and who also still loves his father that I was taking care of him in the best way possible.

For my own support, I had my sister to lean on. I know she's always there to support me. She's my best friend. I've had some stressful things going on at work on top of this and felt like I was drowning at times. I didn't want to burden my husband with any of it because he didn't need to carry any more of a load than he already had. I'm so glad that I have my sister at times like this.

I also had *my* Hospice services (the organization I volunteer for) to help me with advice during a few sticky situations. I felt as if I was way over my head at times because I had to witness all of this going on around me and not say anything. They helped me by practicing conversations with me, they gave me ways that I could say things and not offend or change people's realities.

So, now that I've cleaned the house from top to bottom and I've thrown all of this out onto my blog, I feel helpless. I'm not *doing*.

And my husband is alone.

George Clooney really set me off last night. He was gettin' up in my face about my hair. He thought I should use toothpaste instead of gel in my hair. He said it would make it grow longer. Once my hair was the way he liked it, then he'd marry me.

I told him off in no uncertain terms, "I'm sorry George, here are a couple of newsflashes for you:

1. I'm married
2. You don't know a darned thing about hair products
3. And even if you did, don't be telling me what to do with my hair

So get out of my grill."

......OH, then I woke up.

I told hubby about the dream and told him that I picked him over George Clooney. Then he had to go ruin it by asking if I would have have still picked him over George if he wasn't in my face about my hair.