The bearded eye-roller

I'm going to get my hair 'did' today. As usual, I'm tired of my look and want to change it up. I can't seem to keep a hair style for more than three or four months without becoming bored of it. Here's what I'm going to go for:



I like it because it's asymmetrical without looking like I'm an 80's reject. Fun, sassy and short. I like short hair on me, but only if it's feminine looking. Thankfully I have a great stylist and she LOVES the fact that I love to change my hair all the time. My stylists have always loved that about me.

So, BJ will come home to a completely different look. Well, not completely. I'll still be sporting the yoga pants and hoodie (my work attire!)

I'll post an "after" picture, assuming that I don't look like a dork.

I think Einstein misses his dad. He's been moping around the past two days and every time the house makes a noise, he gets excited. I brought down a pillow case from BJ's side of the bed and Einstein went nuts over it. When I came down this morning, he was sleeping on the pillow case. So sweet.....

• I took BJ to the airport at 2:30 this morning. He's flying out to visit his mom for 10 days. Hot chili garlic sauce might make an appearance. Oh who am I kidding! There WILL be hot chili garlic sauce!


• Einstein had a birthday dinner fit for a prince. BJ is hoping that none of his friends see this video. Muah ha ha ha ha


• It looks like I'll get to create annual information security training for Big Fish. Big Fish and all their partner businesses. I gave them an outline, which was presented to the Chief Information Security Officer (CISO) yesterday. He said he REALLY liked the content. Holy smokes- this is HUGE!
  
  The funny thing is that I know I'm up against this guy. I was in a meeting with the shark and the person who manages me. He mentioned that one of the partners (another HUGE FISH), called him about this training. My manager said, "Lori is also in the running for this project, but [Other Huge Fish] wanted at least another vendor to look at.
  
  Am I concerned? Nope. I think that vendor's sharky ways is going to come back to bite him.


• While waiting for the meeting with the CISO, the CISO's Chief of Staff (yup, that's her title!) told me that she really appreciates how enthusiastic I am about my work and she said that it shows in the product I produce. I told her that it's a little hard to take in the morning for some- but she said she really likes it. She's going to be the one to make the hiring decisions for contractors (I'm pretty sure), so yeah- I feel really good about seeing some income from Big Fish in 2010.


• Speaking of Big Fish, I'd better get back to work. I'm doing something that's going to blow them away and potentially get me in good graces with the customer service training manager. I heard through the grapevine while I was in Salt Lake that they were looking for vendors to create eLearning. I assure you that I'll be working THAT angle, thank-you-very-much.


• I'm also finishing up a project due EOY for a small bank and soon to do a project for another BIG FISH company. The Non-Disclosure Agreement is signed and I'm just waiting for the contract. It's for sure a done-deal that I'll get the contract. The gal I'm working with at that company got H1N1 and ended up in the hospital with pneumonia, poor thing, so she's running a little behind.


• I've made contact with my former CISO, who is now at another big bank. I'm hoping for some work from him in the future. If he has it to give, I know he'll give it to me.


• In totally unrelated news, I had a dream last night that I was in some sort of contest to work for David Cassidy. Yup- my old teen idol. There were about 20 of us girls competing including YOU TERRI P! He took everyone out to breakfast except me, saying he didn't have enough energy to deal with me that day. I'm SO SURE!
  
  So, what did I do? I got my best ball gown on, which was VERY low cut (something I'd never wear in real life), and went to the restaurant. I was wearing a fur coat over the top and a knit cap (the one my friend Sarah made. Yeah, that's the look that sells, right?
  
  I got to the restaurant and sat down on a bar stool at the big table holding all these other women. When I took off my fur coat, I didn't notice that the low neckline had moved over to the side and my 'stuff' was hanging out. That's when BJ walked in. He was none-too-pleased about this.
  
  The dream ended before I found out if I won. I suspect my subconscious was being kind to me in ending the dream before I got to the part where I failed miserably.

This not writing in my blog much thing is getting out of control! Especially when I don't post on Thanksgiving!

I didn't even call anyone on Thanksgiving. I hope I get a hall pass though, because BJ was sick and we laid very low this year.

It's not too late to write about the things I'm thankful for. In fact, I'm trying to do that every day on my GratitudeLog.

What a year this has been, eh? A wild ride, for sure.

The year started out pretty bleak. I knew I was getting laid off, I'd just broken several bones in my face just a couple of days prior and BJ lost his job. All in that order.

But that layoff turned into a wonderful new career, working for myself and BJ working for himself too. Sure, I've had a few moments of "what if this doesn't last?", but those moments are fleeting because of the nice nest egg we have in our savings thanks to the severance pay. I don't seem to have a problem getting new projects and clients, and I've not once marketed myself. It's all come from my reputation with people I'd worked with or for in the past as they've moved to new companies.

So, all those times that I whined about how hard I was working? I guess it was worth it.

BJ's business took off too. I mean really, what are the odds?

And my face? Well, the bones didn't heal properly, but you'd never know it by looking at me. Just how does that happen? I don't know- but I'm glad it did. When I watch shows like CSI, I think about what a medical examiner would think if they looked at my bones. Ha! It kind of makes me laugh a little.

This was also the year that Einstein came into our lives. What a little bundle of joy he is. BJ told me from the time we met that he NEVER wanted any pets whatsoever. But bless his heart, he saw how the year started out and decided that getting a dog would make me so happy- so he finally said yes. I never really pestered him, I just joked with him about it mainly. Even the day he said, "OK", it was a joke.

He told me he had to go out of town for a business trip (that, of course never happened since he lost his job too!), and I replied with a picture of a puggle and the words, "then I want one of these". I made sure he wasn't joking, because I couldn't believe he'd actually said "OK" to a puppy.

And now? Well, you couldn't pry Einstein away from BJ. He just loves that little guy and tells me all the time how much Einstein means to him. He even said that it's a good thing that we'll never get divorced because I'd have a fight on my hands in regard to custody of Einstein. Who knew? BJ is just as surprised as I am about what a great little companion Einstein is for him.

I knew back at the first of this year that things would turn around. As I've probably said a million times, things ALWAYS turn around. I just needed to watch carefully for the open doors. Open doors don't scare me. I suppose that comes from living for almost 50 years. I can clearly see things for what they are- - learning experiences. Some good, some bad. But there really is no such thing as a bad learning experience as long as you've learned something from it, right?

BJ came into my life at the exact right time. Those learning experiences have come fast and furious the past few years and I don't think I would have had the fortitude to face them without him by my side. I'm so glad that I overcame my fear of relationships and grabbed onto his hand. I can't think of anyone more perfect for me than BJ.

My sons are happy and have started living their own lives. I used to be afraid of that idea, because I made them such an important part of who I was. If anyone asked me to define myself, for many years I would have said "mother", and would have had a hard time thinking of anything else. Now I have many things that define me, but "mother" will always be at the top because of the beautiful souls that were given to me to raise. I'm thankful that they are happy in their new lives. I'm especially happy for the women they have chosen.

I became an aunt for the first time this year. It's so fun to see my baby sister as a mother. I love to see the capacity of love she has for that little baby. I love to see some of her features on his cute little face. Mostly, I love seeing my sister so happy.

I'm thankful for my family and especially thankful that my family doesn't bicker and quarrel. Life is so short and family is precious. Ranger Mike and I used to be 'mortal enemies', but you couldn't find two people closer than we are if you tried.

I'm also very thankful for all of YOU. If I didn't have this place to write down my feelings, my thoughts would just fester in my brain because I really do hate whining in real life. I'm not called Pollyanna for nothing! I felt stronger because you assured me that I was strong. That's been so important for me to 'hear'. I'm so glad that I'm now friends on Facebook with many of you because it allows me to take a peek into your lives and give back some of that support. Wow, I've made such good friends here. The amazing thing is that people who read my blog know me MUCH better than friends in real life (many of which do not even know that I have a blog.) I think that's because in real life, I try to focus on helping vs. receiving.

I may ignore my blog, but it's always here when I need to write. I don't think I'll ever give it up. I suspect that I'll become more active at some point, but right now I'm just living life and thankful for all that I have.

I know- it's been a while. I feel guilty about posting because I don't have the time to read other peoples' blogs. But then I remind myself that this blog is for me and my family so:
A: I can search for stuff in my "diary" and
B: My family knows what's going on in my life because as everyone knows, I despise talking on the phone!

Things are rolling like crazy in this household. Both of us are busy with our consulting careers and thank our lucky stars that we were let go from the chains of employment (aka working for 'da man.)

I was a little frightened when I first started with Big Fish, because everything was so new and foreign to me. I know from past experience that when I feel fear, I'm about to go into a huge growth spurt. I'm settling in quite nicely and think that I'm going to really be able to make some significant changes for that company. How cool is that?

(it's cool- trust me)

I met my first shark yesterday. I was quite appalled at his behavior, but chose to go the high road as usual. I'm working with this guy through my contract with Big Fish. He's another vendor that provides information security training. His stuff is way out of my league technologically speaking and I never saw him as a competitor. Apparently he sees me as one, which is ridiculous. He's been busy thumping his chest to Big Fish about how they should let him do the kind of training that I *can* do. Apparently he does not realize that I really could toss this vendor over the side of the ship if I really wanted to, and find another vendor to do what he does.

Oh, and he offered to give me a commission if I sell his product to other people. That was the part that was appalling. I'm representing Big Fish in this project, not my company, and he has no business even offering that to me. I can assure you, that I have absolutely no plans to do any sort of business with this person. I wish I didn't have to through Big Fish, but I'll just keep my yapper shut and let him think he's running his show.

In other news...

• I'm trying to wean myself off of the drugs from the first head injury. I'm off two of them, but worried about the last two. I'd really like to see if I can go without, but worried that I won't be able to. Time will tell.



• The surgery on my tendon was a complete success. I have full range of motion in my jaw now and can actually chew stuff. I won't likely take that for granted anytime soon. I see the surgeon next week about potential surgery number two. On nice days, I'm rarely in pain but on rainy dreary days I sometimes feel as bad as when I first took the face plant almost a year ago. I am still numb in parts of my face and my lips get tingly (not in a good way.) I'm sure that I'm the only one that notices it, but I still have swelling in the cheek area.



• BJ's a-fib is gone, but he's still on lots of drugs. He hates that, but you gotta do what you gotta do. He's been so good about exercising and eating healthy. It's been a lot of work and self-control, but he's done it and I'm very proud of him.



• Einstein is becoming a wonderful dog. I guess he's not really a puppy anymore since he's 10 months old. He drives BJ batty at night with his squeaky toys and squeaky ball. He loves making things squeak and turns into a full-on puppy between the hours of 6pm and 9pm. Thankfully, BJ thinks he's as cute as I do.

I think that about catches me up.

I got the results from the MRI. The "suspicious lesions" were the same size as six months ago, and no new growths. I was never worried about it, because I just didn't get that 'feeling', but it's good to have my feelings confirmed.

I'd like to thank each and every one of you for your comments here and the email I've received. I've saved all of it to look at and feel the support again when I start to spiral. I am putting all of my hopes into the surgery on the 14th. I feel like getting my face fixed is the last piece of this two year journey of 'yuck'. I shouldn't put all my eggs into that basket, but I feel that if this is fixed, we can close the lid of this 2 year journey and even put a bow on it. Now that we have figured out why I faint; the bottom-line issue, it feels like I'm getting a fresh start. Also, knowing that I'm as good as I'm going to get with the neurology issues, and it's something I can live with, enables me to focus my energy elsewhere. Feeling like this is a clean slate may only make sense to me, but it won't be the first time I've not made sense to other people. Heh.

I should be (and for the most part am) feeling gratitude for the life I'm able to live right now. I feel that I've a split personality of sorts. One side of me is feeling that dark, overwhelmed, hopeless stuff. But I have another side of me that looks at the wonderful gifts I've been given (in no specific order, I promise!):

• My loving and supportive (and VERY handsome) husband. I make sure he knows every.single.day how much I love and appreciate him. He's been such a gift.


• Owning my own business and having customers that like what I do. Shoot, I have the ability to work from home, and the hours I want (and I have a nap almost every day!) Who wouldn't love that?


• My sweet puppy, Einstein. The joy he's brought into my life, is indescribable. He's my little sweet pea.


• My family. Just wow- I never take for granted what a wonderful family I have. We all love each other and are not stingy with sharing how we feel. I don't know many families that can say that. Seeing my sons and their relationship being just as strong as the relationship my siblings have with each other. The women in my sons lives (who are very good friends with each other) are so very special, as is the grandson brought into my life when Casey married Jessica. The love just keeps on growing.


• My friends. Not just friends, but FRIENDS. I'm so, so blessed.


• Health insurance (yeah, REALLY grateful for that!)

I think gratitude is a good way to end my post. Include yourself in that list of things I'm grateful for. You know who you are.... Thank you for being there with me through thick and thin.

Here's to gratitude and a fresh start. ::clink::