The bearded eye-roller

I know- it's been a while. I feel guilty about posting because I don't have the time to read other peoples' blogs. But then I remind myself that this blog is for me and my family so:
A: I can search for stuff in my "diary" and
B: My family knows what's going on in my life because as everyone knows, I despise talking on the phone!

Things are rolling like crazy in this household. Both of us are busy with our consulting careers and thank our lucky stars that we were let go from the chains of employment (aka working for 'da man.)

I was a little frightened when I first started with Big Fish, because everything was so new and foreign to me. I know from past experience that when I feel fear, I'm about to go into a huge growth spurt. I'm settling in quite nicely and think that I'm going to really be able to make some significant changes for that company. How cool is that?

(it's cool- trust me)

I met my first shark yesterday. I was quite appalled at his behavior, but chose to go the high road as usual. I'm working with this guy through my contract with Big Fish. He's another vendor that provides information security training. His stuff is way out of my league technologically speaking and I never saw him as a competitor. Apparently he sees me as one, which is ridiculous. He's been busy thumping his chest to Big Fish about how they should let him do the kind of training that I *can* do. Apparently he does not realize that I really could toss this vendor over the side of the ship if I really wanted to, and find another vendor to do what he does.

Oh, and he offered to give me a commission if I sell his product to other people. That was the part that was appalling. I'm representing Big Fish in this project, not my company, and he has no business even offering that to me. I can assure you, that I have absolutely no plans to do any sort of business with this person. I wish I didn't have to through Big Fish, but I'll just keep my yapper shut and let him think he's running his show.

In other news...

• I'm trying to wean myself off of the drugs from the first head injury. I'm off two of them, but worried about the last two. I'd really like to see if I can go without, but worried that I won't be able to. Time will tell.



• The surgery on my tendon was a complete success. I have full range of motion in my jaw now and can actually chew stuff. I won't likely take that for granted anytime soon. I see the surgeon next week about potential surgery number two. On nice days, I'm rarely in pain but on rainy dreary days I sometimes feel as bad as when I first took the face plant almost a year ago. I am still numb in parts of my face and my lips get tingly (not in a good way.) I'm sure that I'm the only one that notices it, but I still have swelling in the cheek area.



• BJ's a-fib is gone, but he's still on lots of drugs. He hates that, but you gotta do what you gotta do. He's been so good about exercising and eating healthy. It's been a lot of work and self-control, but he's done it and I'm very proud of him.



• Einstein is becoming a wonderful dog. I guess he's not really a puppy anymore since he's 10 months old. He drives BJ batty at night with his squeaky toys and squeaky ball. He loves making things squeak and turns into a full-on puppy between the hours of 6pm and 9pm. Thankfully, BJ thinks he's as cute as I do.

I think that about catches me up.

I got the results from the MRI. The "suspicious lesions" were the same size as six months ago, and no new growths. I was never worried about it, because I just didn't get that 'feeling', but it's good to have my feelings confirmed.

I'd like to thank each and every one of you for your comments here and the email I've received. I've saved all of it to look at and feel the support again when I start to spiral. I am putting all of my hopes into the surgery on the 14th. I feel like getting my face fixed is the last piece of this two year journey of 'yuck'. I shouldn't put all my eggs into that basket, but I feel that if this is fixed, we can close the lid of this 2 year journey and even put a bow on it. Now that we have figured out why I faint; the bottom-line issue, it feels like I'm getting a fresh start. Also, knowing that I'm as good as I'm going to get with the neurology issues, and it's something I can live with, enables me to focus my energy elsewhere. Feeling like this is a clean slate may only make sense to me, but it won't be the first time I've not made sense to other people. Heh.

I should be (and for the most part am) feeling gratitude for the life I'm able to live right now. I feel that I've a split personality of sorts. One side of me is feeling that dark, overwhelmed, hopeless stuff. But I have another side of me that looks at the wonderful gifts I've been given (in no specific order, I promise!):

• My loving and supportive (and VERY handsome) husband. I make sure he knows every.single.day how much I love and appreciate him. He's been such a gift.


• Owning my own business and having customers that like what I do. Shoot, I have the ability to work from home, and the hours I want (and I have a nap almost every day!) Who wouldn't love that?


• My sweet puppy, Einstein. The joy he's brought into my life, is indescribable. He's my little sweet pea.


• My family. Just wow- I never take for granted what a wonderful family I have. We all love each other and are not stingy with sharing how we feel. I don't know many families that can say that. Seeing my sons and their relationship being just as strong as the relationship my siblings have with each other. The women in my sons lives (who are very good friends with each other) are so very special, as is the grandson brought into my life when Casey married Jessica. The love just keeps on growing.


• My friends. Not just friends, but FRIENDS. I'm so, so blessed.


• Health insurance (yeah, REALLY grateful for that!)

I think gratitude is a good way to end my post. Include yourself in that list of things I'm grateful for. You know who you are.... Thank you for being there with me through thick and thin.

Here's to gratitude and a fresh start. ::clink::

I’m definitely in my anger phase with the broken face. I’m angry at the original physician that told me that “some people are just fainters” and sent me on my way to two more head injuries. It was her associate that sent me to the cardiologist when I went after the face bonk feeling like ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

BJ had surgery yesterday and it took three hours instead of two, on top of an alarm I heard while in the cafeteria "code red- second floor surgery". I didn't know what code red was, but I knew that's where my husband was, so I threw my lunch in the garbage and raced to the second floor. Turns out that code red is for fire- and it was a false alarm. BJ is fine, by the way. Very sore, but fine.

Yesterday was a really bad fainty day for me and I'm sure it was due to stress and the coffee (not decaf!) I had. Twice, if I'm being honest. I kept starting to black out several times and had to quickly sit down so I didn’t bonk my head in the hospital. Last night at home was particularly bad. I was continually starting to black out so much that it took me about five minutes before I could get up off the floor without fainting. Poor BJ was freaking out that I was going to hit my head and there would be nothing he could do about it. He shouldn't have to deal with that in his condition.

Where am I going with this? I’m a little bit angry at the cardiologist for giving me a 6 month wait and see after being on less stress (not right now! Have I mentioned my deadlines?) and no caffeine (not yesterday!) instead of putting me on medication. My bad for the caffiene, but I can't eliminate stress.

I saw my neurologist on Monday (she’s every 90 days), I told her about the tachycardia diagnosis. She asked if he put me on medication and she raised her eyebrows and said, “does he realize you’ve had THREE head injuries in the past two years?” So, now I feel stupid about not reminding the cardiologist about the head injuries. Maybe that was buried down in the file and he didn’t remember. I should have mentioned it.

I’m angry at the first facial surgeon who didn’t do the right thing in the first place- giving me 7 months of daily pain. I’m angry at her for not doing follow up CT scans when I went back to her telling her that things didn’t feel right.

I’m angry at myself for having white coat syndrome and not confronting these doctors when something was telling me that I was right and they were wrong. I'm angry that I'm not even 50 years old (OK, I'm close- shaddup) and I have all these issues going on. My neurologist confirmed with me that yes, at the two year mark- I shouldn't expect any more improvement than I have now. She said that I've been lucky that the last two head bonks didn't cause more brain damage and told me that it's very dangerous for me to hit my head.

Ummm yeah. I know.

Believe me when I say that I know it could be worse. I'm not dying, although there are days that I don't particularly enjoy being alive. Yup, I said it. Nope, I'm not suicidal. Just tired of living with this. All of this. I'm sick of doctors and sick of being in pain. And angry. Did I mention angry? Wow, I'm fun.

Maybe I'm just having an off day because I'm overwhelmed with lots of stuff.

Tomorrow is the six month follow up bi-lateral MRI to make sure the suspicious lesions were innocuous. I'm sure you ladies will know of which I speak, so we'll leave it at that. That better damn-well turn out fine. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I'd better get back to work, which is what I'm trying to do while BJ sleeps. He's not a bad patient, bless his heart, but I am at his beck and call. (what does beck stand for, anyway?)

Ack! I can't believe I let our five year anniversary pass by without even a mention! That's just how romantic I am. Bleh....

Anyhoo....

We've closed down our personal accounts and no longer get an allowance. Everything comes out of joint funds (there goes my personal massages from Enrique...), so we mention when we're about to make a purchase over 25.00 to each other before we do it. I'm sure we'll go back to having allowances after we're both bringing in the bacon (which is good, because then I can sneak Enrique back in...)

Here's today's conversation about a purchase BJ would like to make:

BJ: I would like to get some new golf shoes. Mine are over three years old. It would also be nice to get some more comfortable for walking the course, as I have been lately. The ones I have are more for being waterproof.

Should be between $50-100. Maybe a little more, depending on the sale.

Me: Do you have any other qualifiers? Seems that I’m the *BDM and I’d like more evidence of **ROI.

BJ: No payoff or ROI. Purely a cost model, not offset by revenue of any kind. .......smarty pants

It looks like Lori needs to get a JOB.

For the non-business types
*business decision maker
**return on investment

Whatchoo lookin' at?


I've been away for a while. I think I don't feel like writing when I'm down because I feel like such a whiner. Yes, I know I have a lot to whine about, but I also have a lot to be grateful for. I truly do believe that, even if I'm depressed.

I *know* in my heart that I wasn't let go because I was a bad employee. It still feels awful. I didn't think it would, but it does. I've received email from people I've worked with along the way that have written things like:

I still cannot believe any company that knew what it was doing would let you go. You were one the best processors I ever had, and other people I knew have said so many good things about you, I'm still amazed. I tried e-mailing you at work for the heck of it, and getting your out of office reply made it sink in that all these changes are real. It isn't [name of evil empire] without you.

I kind of need to hear stuff like that right now, ya know?

Anywhocares, on to this and that:

• Einstein continues to be adorable and smart. We 'think' he's potty trained, but still keep a close eye on him. He’s 9 weeks old and knows the following commands:
  
  Sit, Stay, Fetch, Lay Down, Look at me, Leave it (put a treat in front of him and make him wait until I say OK), and Don’t Bite (a very important one- my hands have become hamburger). Here's evidence of most of it.
  
  Sorry bro, potty talk- avert your eyes! Einstein has designated the herb garden as his potty ground of choice. The upside to this is that he smells herbal fresh after he does his business. The downside is that we won't ever use THOSE herbs for cooking. I never really did anyway. I was always in fear that the deer used it as a potty ground too.


• BJ and I went to a TOTALLY LAME job fair yesterday. Even lamer is that it was a 'together' thing. I never thought we'd ever go to a job fair together. We saw news cameras there and they panned past us. I'm really surprised they didn't focus on me. Sheesh. That could have been my big break, being a previous Little Miss America contender and all. I was having a GREAT hair day, I'll have to admit. I got several compliments from the folks I talked to at the fair. Too bad nobody was really hiring or interviewing people with great hair.
  
  The job fair consisted of people standing in their booth, not taking resumes, handing out their job openings on a sheet of paper (mostly sales, even Avon was there!) and telling everyone to go to their website to apply online.
  
  Why oh why did I dress for success? People were there in sweats and flip flops. I might as well have done that too. Nah- you'll never see me in public in sweat pants (well, except for the time I broke my face. I was so out of it, I didn't have time to do my hair or get dressed up to go to the ER.)
  
  I did coax some training vendor information from one of the health care organizations, because I also plan to add HIPAA to my list of training resources. It wasn't a total bust in that regard.
  
  BJ and I then drowned our sorrows at Dairy Queen. He got a burger and I got a shake. I don't think this no-chew diet is producing any weight loss because of my choices, but at least I'm a cheap date


• I canceled my cardiologist appointment because there's some confusion about our COBRA benefits. I'm sure it'll be worked out eventually, but I don't need the stress of wondering if several thousand dollars of tests won't be reimbursed, thankyouverymuch. I'm just going to have to wrap myself in bubblewrap and wear a helmet for the time being.


• BJ and I are getting on each others' nerves a little bit, which is completely understandable. We haven't upped the ante to poking each other in the eye yet, so I think we'll be OK. We've been tossing out snippy statements, but then apologizing about 10 minutes later. I think my constant need to pick things up and put them away is really nerve wracking to him, and his 'leave it to put away later" is nerve wracking to me. If that's our greatest marital issue during this horribly scary time, then I think our marriage is on safe ground. I hope with everything I have that this will be the time we look back on as the worst we've ever had, but survived it just fine. Please hope that for us too.

So that just about sums up my life these past few days. I am 'bout due for a good solid cry, so maybe I'll find a movie to help it along a little.